A sappy birthday blog for my wife

Today, my beloved wife turns 43 years old. We have celebrated 19 of those years married, and 8 before that while we were dating. So 27 times I’ve Happy Birthdayed her, as a boyfriend, fiancé or husband. 43 isn’t one of those “milestone” birthdays, so it seems easy to sweep 43 under the carpet. I decided to make it a bigger deal by celebrating her birthday all week, and by writing this post to give you 43 reasons why I’m still crazy in love with my wife. Prepare to gag over the mushiness of this. Feel free to steal any of these words that you can use (however, do change the name “Traci” to the appropriate name in your situation) in your own relationships and of course, remember to bless the people in your life that have such meaning to you!

1. She experiences pure joy in Jesus. Traci knows her center for life is not me, not the kids and not her work...it’s in her relationship with Christ. And she always goes back to that place in the craziness of life.
2. She is fiercely loyal. Loyalty and commitment are deeply ingrained in Traci, and as a friend, lover, business owner and mom, she is loyal with those to whom she connects deeply.
3. She is full of laughter. My wife laughs a lot, and she brings a lot of laughter into our lives.

4. 

   She is a tad crazy. Traci has this fun and spontaneous side to her, and it creates great moments in our lives.

5. She understands our daughters. Cute little girls grow up to be teenage daughters who have complicated emotional lives, that complicate significantly around age 12. Traci gets it. (hallelujah...standing ovation...cheers...applaud...relief!)
6. She understands our son. Not only does she mom our daughters, but she has an amazing relationship with our son, too. He turns to her for advice and inspiration, and I know she’s modeled for him the type of wife he should look for some day.
7. She is athletic. One of the first qualities that attracted me to Traci back in high school, was her ability to participate in youth group games and be better than about 1/2 the boys.
8. She inspires others: Many of you reading this blog have been inspired by Traci and her writings, by her honest struggles with life, and by her victories. People look to her as someone to imitate.
9. She inspires me: I’ve lived with her for almost 19 years and she still, regularly, pushes me to new heights and into new challenges.
10. She is full of tears: I love that my wife is free with her emotions, and ok to cry with her own pain, share tears as she feels the pain and hurt of others and as she expresses worship and praise to God.
11. She is stunningly hot: When I think back to that first glance at her, in the late 80’s, with big hair and 90’s bangs, I remember how stunned I was by her looks. 27 years later, I’m more dazzled than ever, as I’ve come to understand that her outer hotness is matched only by her inner beauty. Inside and out, she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.
12. While we’re talking about hot, let’s just assume that numbers 12-15 would not be appropriate to share publicly. So wink-wink, nod-nod, snicker-snicker...she is the inspiration behind one of my more popular blogs, “5 ways to improve your sex life.” (go ahead and click the link...no judgment here!)
13. PG-13
14. PG-13
15. R
16. She works hard. You could never use the word “lazy” to describe my wife. Ever.
17. She dreams BIG! Our life and family dreams are significantly broader and deeper than they would be if it was just me dreaming them! Traci sees the greatness of God and believes deeply in HIS ability to lead His children into great things.
18. She rarely holds anything back. My wife will step into uncomfortable situations, and is willing to give it her all, regardless of the cost or the outcome.
19. She is unwilling to not grow. My wife is always reaching out for growth, always learning from God’s Word and is eager to become more of who God made her to be. She never stops growing and learning.

    

20. She knows how to rest. I love that my wife knows how to work hard, and I love that she knows how to rest and take care of herself.
21. She loves vacation. Traci takes a B+ vacation and makes it an A+. She takes a C- vacation...and makes it an A+. She loves taking our family time and making it better. And she’s very, very, good at it.
22. She loves being surprised. My wife loves being surprised by others. I pity my friends who have a spouse that HATES surprises, and actually, if they feel surprised by a weekend away, a special gift etc... are usually more upset (at least initially) than happy at the gift. I love surprising Traci with little and big things -- it doesn’t matter! -- because she loves being surprised and makes them extra special.
23. She cooks. If you and I are ever trapped in a building, and our survival depends on my culinary skills, we are both going to die of hunger. I’m grateful for my wife’s skills in the kitchen.
24. She manages our family well. Traci is the family organizer. She keeps us running smoothly, she manages appointments, she keeps a great calendar and even in the last season of life where we were homeless and out of schedule/routine, she managed us with excellence.
25. She has an unshakeable faith. No matter how dire things can get, Traci believes in the hand of God and in His ability to bring change to any situation.
26. She runs hard. Last October we ran our first 1/2 marathon, together. It was a metaphor for our lives then (and now), and one of my take aways was seeing the relentless nature of my wife emerge. She runs hard and she refuses to give up. I love her tenacity toward goals and dreams.
27. She listens well. I love that my wife listens. Not passively, but she actively listens to people. She cares about her relationships and she listens without the need to interrupt, offer unsolicited advice or cast judgment without knowledge.
28. She is wise. My wife will frequently tell me, “I wish I knew what to say when...” Truth is, she does know what to say, and knows when to say it. She knows how to process life experiences and how to give wise advice, not just what-you-want-to-hear isms.
29. She thinks I’m funny. Seriously, she still laughs at my jokes. She still smiles when someone in our house says “wrap” and I start rapping like MC Hammer.
30. She can, on occasion, be a tad clumsy. It’s a cute clumsy and it’s hilarious when it shows up.

31. 

    She can laugh at herself. #30 has led to a number of tear-enducing moments in our marriage..the laughter kind of tears.

32. She enjoys a simple life: My wife has a simplicity about the way she lives, and I absolutely love it.
33. She is a great communicator. Traci connects with people when she speaks in a public platform. It’s not just that what she says is good (which it is!), it’s that she says it in such a way that people connect with her and her message. She makes friends in her public ministry, just because people feel like they know her after she’s done sharing. When we teach together, I always marvel at the number of people who walk away feeling like Traci is their friend because of how she communicates.
34. She looks great in anything she wears: I love that she looks great in sweat pants and a baggy sweatshirt, as well as in her little black dress or business casual outfit. She can wear jogging shorts that always make me do a double take, or she can go full tilt for a night at the Magic Castle and wow me when she walks into the room.
35. She’s not afraid of trouble. Life is full of trouble and hardship. Traci doesn’t run from any of them and she isn’t afraid to face down whatever is right in front of us.
36. She knows me, and still loves me. No human knows me better than my wife, and even with that full knowledge, she loves me fully and blesses me beyond reason.
37. She sees things from a different angle. We can read the same Bible story, we can look at the same picture, and Traci sees things that I miss. Ok, I miss a lot, so that may not be that impressive, but she sees things that almost everyone misses. She has a great perspective on life.
38. She is my biggest fan. It doesn’t matter what I’m throwing myself into, my wife believes that I will find success. No matter what the odds, no matter how many frustrating walls I’ve smacked my head against, she believes that I will find a breakthrough.

    

39. She is passionate. While this certainly would include things back up in 12-15, it also includes life outside the bedroom. Traci is passionate about what she does, who our kids are and how God is working in and through our family. She approaches life, the highs and lows, with passion. Her passion is contagious.
40. She is humble. I’ve learned a lot from Traci’s humility in life. Her humility magnifies her beauty.
41. She is talented. She’s a great public speaker. She’s a talented pianist. She’s a great cook. She’s an excellent athletic, life and business coach. I could go on, just know that she’s incredibly talented.
42. She promotes our kids. Traci promotes our kids, challenges them to grow, knows when to push and knows when to pull them in close. She is an amazing mother.
43. She invests heavily in our marriage. My wife guards our marriage, protects her own heart and emotions and happily celebrates with me, the journey we’re on.

I feel like I’m just warming up, so I guess she’ll just have to keep having birthdays so that I can keep adding to this list.

I am a blessed man, more than these words could ever express. I’m sure many of you feel the same about your families, your marriages, your friendships or about some other relationship in your life. Celebrate those people in your life, be sure to tell them how much they mean to you and my God fill you with an overflowing joy through the people closest to you.

Go ahead and take the plunge, your relationships will always be better on the water!

Death still stinks.

A couple days ago, Traci and I attended the funeral of a friend. Pastor John Gleason died, in his mid-50s, of a freak water accident. He was, by human standards, taken while in the prime of his ministry. Several hundred people attended this service, and the scope of influence his ministry had was broad and touching. This isn’t the first time I’ve written about death, and unfortunately, it won’t be the last. Death is a grim reality in this life, one that all of us must face in relationship to others, and in relationship to our own mortality. Reflecting on someone else’s death gives a chance to evaluate our own lives, and to consider the influence we’re having on those around us. I certainly found myself doing that as John’s service unfolded.

During part of the ceremony, several people shared stories of Pastor Gleason’s influence in their lives. While he pastored a smaller congregation, you wouldn’t have known that by the large number of people in attendance at his funeral. And story after story reflected the same two themes: John loved God and John loved others.

There were several humorous moments, and of course, not a dry eye in the place when his son shared about the love he received from his father. But through it all, funny or touching, obscure or enriching, the same themes of love emerged. Love for his wife and children. Love for the people in his church even those who had walked away from the Lord. Love for the prisoners he visited each week in jail. Love for children. Love for music and using it to bless others. And most of all, a deep, rich and unquenchable love for God.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I forget how simple it is. When Jesus was asked to explain the most important laws and rules His people should follow, He broke down His answer into two simple categories: Love God, and love others.

“Jesus replied [to the question]: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. and the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

Jesus went on to explain that everything in God’s Law hangs on those two themes. In other words, our lives can be measured by how well we love God and love others. Our decisions can be weighed by how much they reflect a love for God or a love for others. If you break down the Christian experience to its most basic form it boils down to these two questions: How well do you love God? How well do you love others?

Based on my experience with Pastor John Gleason, and confirmed by the myriad of testimonies I heard about his life, he excelled in both. And as I reflected on his life, his sudden death and the mark he left in this world, I wondered how I was doing in loving God and loving others. How are you doing?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

p.s. The more I’ve thought about John’s life the more I realize that one of the ways that he loved people, was by having time and being available. I know John was busy, but it never felt like he was busy when you met with him. He always had time, and he never seemed rushed to get away from a conversation or relationship. He was a good listener. How can you show love for others today? Maybe by applying one of John’s principles to your interactions with the people around you:

1. Take time to invest in relationships
2. Don’t be rushed into, or out of, conversations
3. Listen intently

Everything matters

I’m often reminded of how important the little things are in life. Of course, if you’ve read this blog with any regularity, you know that there are no such things as, “little things.” Scripture reaffirms the truth that how we handle the little things will be a reflection of the larger opportunities God gives us. Check out this parable Jesus used to teach this principle. Traci and I had a date night last week, and thanks to the work of a friend, we were able to enjoy dinner and a movie. Last December, at our local theater, we purchased the theater’s large, refillable, plastic popcorn tub so that we can enjoy movie theater popcorn (my favorite!) for just $4 for each refill. So after dinner, we took our bucket to the concession stand, bought  a refill and a small Coke.

As we sat down in our theater and were watching previews, Traci suddenly asked, “Did you get a free popcorn refill tonight?” No, I wasn’t supposed to. At that point we both realized that while I had been chatting it up with the server, he had charged me for the Coke but not for the popcorn refill.

I hopped out of my seat, headed back to the counter and waited for the cashier to finish with another customer. He looked puzzled and asked if he could help with anything. I didn’t have my receipt (pitched it as I left the counter) but told him I was pretty sure he only charged me for a small Coke (which he agreed), but I reminded him that he refilled our popcorn tub. I owed him $4 and wanted to make sure I paid my popcorn debt.

It was funny. His jaw dropped open and he was speechless. Seriously, he was speechless over a $4 pay back. Keep in mind, it was $4 that I actually owed to him! He thanked me four or five times, and made the comment, “I’m not sure many people would have come back to pay for that.”

A couple days later I had lunch downtown, while doing some work on my phone. I was sitting outside, during a beautiful afternoon, enjoying my meal. All the other customers were eating inside.

When I finished, I grabbed my plate, my cup, my napkins (I’m a messy eater!) and the little sauce caddy my waitress had brought out, and carried it all inside. When I walked through the front door, the look on her face said it all. She gushed, -- I’m not joking, she gushed! -- “You didn’t have to do that! That’s so kind of you! No one brings their stuff in, honey, that’s my job. Oh my word, I can’t believe you did that. Thank you. Wow. Thank you!”

It was so simple: paying back $4 that was overlooked, and picking up after myself. Yet those two simple acts influenced the day of two people that I might not others wise have influenced.

I often wonder how many of those opportunities I miss when I let my day revolve around me, instead of around the opportunities God puts in front of me. I know how grateful I am when someone does that “little” act for me, so I know how much it can matter to others, too!

Who could you bless today by doing the simple things today? In fact, is there just one “little” act of kindness, love or grace you could offer today that might bless someone whether they know it was you who performed it? What conversations or friendship might God open up with a simple act of thoughtfulness? What would it take for you to ask God, each day, to use you to be a blessing to others? How might this question change your day-to-day interactions?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water.

Death stinks.

The death of Frank Vega was a significant event. Last week the news came to me rather unexpectedly, and honestly, it gave me that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Traci was still in Thailand, the kids and I were on the road together so I took a morning to call a common friend. While I felt a little encouraged after the call, the reality of this life is that death stinks. Unexpected death is especially challenging.

Pastor Frank, or “Pastor Loco” as a few knew him, was an icon in the inner city of Philadelphia. He lived, worked, served and ministered the Gospel in a challenging part of the City of Brotherly Love; a part of the city that many others had abandoned because of the difficulty of the ministry.

Not only did he serve in the inner city, but he served with limited resources and often, without taking a paycheck. He lived where he worked, too, raising his kids and managing his marriage in the very place he grew up. And he did all this with his awesome wife, Carmen, who labored alongside him every step of the way. (In fact, after knowing Bishop Frank these past 12 years, I can assure you that without Carmen, there would be no Frank!)

Just last week I was talking to a friend who I discovered had once lived in Philadelphia. I took students to Philly on three occasions (each for at least a seven day trip), and visited a fourth time on my own, and so I’ve been able to learn about the city and the ministry of Pastor Frank from a limited, first-hand experience. I told my buddy about where we usually served when we were in the city, and when I mentioned Kensington, he gave me a response that I’ve heard more than once: “Wow...Kensington is a tough place...” That was Frank's place.

I met Pastor Frank in the summer of 2005, the first time I took students to work with him in Philly, as part of the summer outreach ministry of Vision for Youth. We connected right away, in part because I used my broken Spanish to crack a joke, and in part, because I loved his heart for people. His story is amazing, and the way God saved him from a life of self-destruction (gangs, drugs, violence and jail time in the U.S. and in a foreign country) is part of what makes his life’s work even more meaningful.

I made return trips with students in 2007 and 2009, and again by myself later in 2009. Each time, Frank and I had an opportunity to talk about life, ministry and how God works in us and thru us, despite our weaknesses. He often boasted about his wife, and shared how an awesome ministry opportunity almost took him out of Kensington, but Carmen kept him grounded and focused on the ministry at hand. He always challenged and blessed me each time we talked.

Since 2009, we have talked on the phone a few times, and I’ve shared a video that featured an interview with Frank to several friends, but our paths have not crossed. And now they won’t cross until the day we meet again in Heaven.

I know that there is great relief for believers when it comes to the hope we have in Heaven. In 1 Corinthians 15 Paul writes of the beautiful hope of a future with God, where the corruptible, mortal bodies that clothe our spirits today, will be replaced with incorruptible, immortal bodies of glorious mystery! John tells us in Revelation, that when human history ends as we know it today, tears and death and sorrow will be eliminated from our existence. Peter tells us that in an instant God will destroy this old world, and it will be replaced with a perfect world, unbroken by sin, and ready for our eternal pleasure.

But...

Before that glorious future is ours, there is the grim reality that death permeates this life. In 1 Thessalonians 4 Paul reminds us, “...you must not carry on over them [deceased believers] like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word” (The Message). The NIV reads like this: “...do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” Notice that we aren’t told to “not grieve” but rather, to not grieve like those who live without Christ.

It’s not a quality of super spiritual Christians to not grieve, it’s just that we’re not supposed to grieve like the hopeless. Since we belong to Christ, we belong to Hope, true hope, that rests in the resurrection of Jesus from the grave. Death evokes grief, even from Jesus (John 11:33-35), because it’s not the way things are supposed to be. We were created to live in perfect communion with God, but sin mucks-up everything. Instead of harmony, love, joy and life, we live with the reality that those virtues are often overshadowed by conflict, hate, anger and death. Those things should stir some grief in our hearts.

So I’m grieving the loss of my friend, as I know you have had to grieve the loss of people in your life, too. I know Bishop Frank is in glory, and I rejoice in his gain, but I grieve the loss that Carmen and her children must feel, I grieve the loss that me and many of Frank’s friends have in our hearts and I grieve the loss of Frank from the broken people he served in Kensington. Death stinks.

But...

Hope is spiritual F’breeze that covers the stench of loss. Christ’s death and resurrection allows us to “spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him everywhere” (2 Corinthians 2:14). In that knowledge we rest certain of our future, and anyone’s future who has put their faith in the gift God gave us, when He sent Jesus to pay for our sins. Death stinks, but hope springs eternal for those who will trust in Christ.

The Overboard Life will include walking the pathway of grief. Grief is inescapable in this life, but it doesn’t have to be experienced without hope. If we truly live life out of the comfort of the boat, and out on the water where Jesus is building His Kingdom, we will be great purveyors of that hope -- even as we walk the path of grief ourselves.

I feel fairly certain that my friend, Frank Vega, entered glory to the seven words I long to hear, when the time for my departure flight from this life into the next, arrives: “Well done, [you] good and faithful servant!” I smile when I think about the first time he saw Jesus face-to-face, and I imagine Frank has already been given a glimpse of far God allowed his ministry to reach.

Death stinks, but its power is nothing compared to the greatness of my God. So I grieve with hope, and I want to live with the kind of selfless love that Frank did, and that his wife Carmen and their family, I’m sure, are continuing after his departure. Because they too, know the power of hope that can only come from Christ. Do you?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life -- even in the face of death! -- is always better on the water.

What's your pain threshold?

Do you have a high pain threshold? When it comes to physical pain, I must admit, I’m a bit soft. I’m not one of those guys who has visions of himself enduring weeks or months of pain, suffering and hunger on an desolate island after being shipwrecked and left for dead. I’m more like the guy who envisions himself calling on his cell phone for help, waiting about 20 minutes, and then covering himself in bacon grease so the bears will eat him quickly. What about you? Of course, there are many forms of pain, and while my physical pain threshold may not be particularly high, I’m learning live with -- even embrace! -- pain in other areas of life. After all, endurance is a requirement for anyone who wants to live the Overboard Life!

On April 18, 1981, in the New England town of Pawtucket, two baseball teams from the International League began a game at 8:00pm, with no possible knowledge of what was about to transpire. Before the eight hour game was over, every American professional baseball game record for length of game (in hours and innings), for at-bats, for pitches, for walks, strikeouts, put-outs and plate appearances would be broken. Two future hall-of-famers would be present but have no bearing on the final outcome. The game was suspended, at 4:09am, by a phone call from the IL president, and finished, as only baseball can do, two months later on June 23rd (after just 18 minutes of play).

I can’t imagine playing in a baseball game that lasted over eight hours, although I must admit that had I been in attendance, I most likely would have stayed to the end. By most counts, only 19 people (of the original 1,800 in attendance) watched the final at-bat in the bottom of the 32nd inning after the clock struck 4am. Despite the thinning crowd (is 19 a crowd?), the bitter cold wind blowing thru the stadium and the lack of any end in site, both teams played through less-than-stellar early Spring conditions in Rhode Island that night, and finished the marathon baseball game.

While few, if any, understood the significance of the game, years later, they would be grateful for the experience. Pawtucket’s Dave Koza, who had the game-winning hit, would later say, “Nothing I ever do in life will probably compare with this!” And Rochester’s Dallas Williams would later add, “It sank in the next day. Man, we just played 32 innings of baseball. We joked about it. We had smiles on our faces. I was thankful I was a baseball player and on the field that night. As time went by, I appreciated it more.”

The stadium was packed on June 23rd when the two teams met to finish the game. Extra tables were set up for the 150 members of the press who came to see the end of this marathon game. It ended after one inning of play -- just 18 minutes -- and Pawtucket won the game. Koza, the Pawtucket hero, was inundated with fan mail, letters of praise and national recognition for his part in the drama. While he would never play baseball at the Major League level, he will always be remembered for his part in this story. Cal Ripken Jr, one of baseball’s all time great players, and another not-too-shabby infielder named Wade Boggs, would both be enshrined in MLB’s Hall of Fame, and both would be forever connected as players in that marathon game.

But why? Why play baseball for 8 hours? Why endure the cold? Why not just give up and let the other team win? Why not forfeit? Why would an umpire, in attendance with his 9-year-old nephew, keep the game going? Why wouldn’t one of the team managers put an end to this nonsense? In his book, Bottom of the 33rd, Dan Barry suggests this reason: “Because we are bound by duty. Because we aspire to greater things. Because we are loyal. Because, in our own secular way, we are celebrating communion, and resurrection, and possibility.”

I sat on those words for a few minutes, thinking about how they applied to baseball. There is a majesty to baseball, even thought it’s just a game, and there is an honor to its members and history that is different than any other sport. Baseball history binds today’s players to an unwritten duty from the past, and challenges them, through the eras, to do greater than their forefathers. Baseball players tend to be fiercely loyal, and anyone who watches the game knows it is nearly a religion.

As I thought about those words and how they reflected the great American Pastime, I began thinking about how they applied, even more, to life. Why should we endure hardships that stretch our faith? Why should we follow God’s path for our lives, when it’s guaranteed -- 2 Timothy 3:12 -- to have challenges, struggles and trials? Why not quit? Why not give up and take the easy path?

Simply put, to steal from Dan Barry, “Because we are duty bound. Because we aspire to greater things. Because we are loyal. Because, in our own [spiritual] way, we are celebrating communion, and resurrection and possibility.” Think about each of those phrases:

We are duty bound: “For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died” (2 Corinthians 5:14, NIV). We are bound to God in holy duty, because of the sacrifice of Christ. God’s love compels us to keep pressing on!

We aspire to greater things: “God can do anything you know, more than you could ever imagine, guess or request in your wildest dreams...” (Ephesians 3:20, The Message). The possibilities for our lives are endless, not because of who we are, but because of who Christ is!

We are loyal: “But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14, NIV). We press on because of what is in store for us, in this life and the next. We loyally set aside any earthly gain in order to be faithful in Christ!

We are celebrating communion, and resurrection and possibility: “If the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, He who raised Christ from the dead, will also give life to your mortal bodies because of His Spirit who lives in you” (Romans 8:11, NIV). The power that resurrected Christ from the dead is the same power that unites all believers in holy communion, and it is celebrated and remembered in the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, which is the power that removes any barriers from any God-given goal!

Whatever you’re going through, I urge you to press on. Whatever challenges you face, keep moving forward as you follow Christ, out of the comfort of the boat, and out on the water where Jesus is building His Kingdom. The game you’re in might go extra innings, the wind may start blowing cold and the spectators will disappear long before the challenge is finished, but duty, greatness, loyalty and holy communion call you onward. Answer the call, get out of the boat, and see what God will do.

“Play Ball!” and finish the game, no matter how long it takes.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water.

I wanted to punch a guy...

Last week, Traci and I had the opportunity to take in a Mariner’s game and visit some dear friends while we were on our West Coast tour. We drove up Wednesday (about 4 hours from my family in Salem) and enjoyed a beautiful night, even though the M’s lost, while catching up with Bob and Emily, the first couple to join our youth staff when we worked in Washington. It was a great night.

The next day, we caught up with friends Tal & Joan, and then thanks to a blown appointment (I really felt like April 8th should have been a Thursday...not a Wednesday! Sorry Ritters!) we ended up with a somewhat free afternoon. The sun was shining and it was the first alone time we had experienced in a couple of weeks, so Traci and I took to downtown Seattle on a gloriously sunny day. If you can catch Seattle on warm and sunny day, it truly is one of the great American cities to enjoy.

After hanging around Pike’s Place Market for a couple of hours, we headed back up toward the Space Needle where we would find a pizza shop to eat, and hit the road to catch up with another friend before leaving for Salem. While walking among the crowds who were enjoying the weather like us, we fell in step with a man talking on his cell phone.

I totally started listening to his conversation and saw that Traci was doing the same. After just a few moments, I realized what was happening, and I wanted to intervene. I’m not, nor have I ever been, any kind of fighter or brawler, but something was rising in me that wanted to hurt this man at some level. He was a pimp, and he was preparing one of his girls for her night of work. Here’s what we heard at the end of his call:

“Hey, where are you at?”

[response]

“How much money have you made?”

[response]

“It’s only $150? You’ve gotta do better than that.”

[response]

“So here’s what I want you to do. Go get your son and spend some time with him. I’ll get you a place to rest and I’m going to buy you a coffee...”

[response]

“That’s right, I’m going to buy you a cup of coffee, get you some food, and I want you to rest up before you take more calls for tonight. So just enjoy your son, and then we’ll take more calls tonight.”

Traci is preparing for a trip to Thailand to work with women who are trafficked for sex. As a result she’s been learning a lot about the problem of human trafficking and the reality of its ugly presence in countries like Thailand, and in places like Seattle. The use and abuse of women (and men) for sexual pleasure is vile.

This guy’s call was a textbook call to “his” girl. He was gentle and kind, although very firm ($150 was not enough profit so far) but he was providing her a chance to be with her son, have a place to rest, and even a cup of coffee. In his own sick way, he was taking care of her needs, while coercing her to use her body for his own financial gain and perverse pleasure. The whole thing is sick, yet the cycle is complex and the solutions aren’t simple.

Going to Thailand this summer, my wife will get to experience a rescue work happening in one of the major human trafficking places in the world. This issue is both heart-breaking and sickening, yet there is an army of people rising up to bring true hope and healing around the world, and here in the U.S. I’m sure we both will be sharing more about this topic in the weeks to come.

What ultimately “got me” about the call in Seattle, was the thought that the person on the other line was a woman -- not a thing, not a sex toy, not an item to posses. She isn’t any man’s property, but she is a beautiful person created in the image of God, created to know Him and be known intimately by Him. That she is a prostitute doesn’t change her value as a person (any more than this guy who is pimping her, is somehow less of person). Our actions don’t determine our value to God.

A couple years back I wrote a post about this topic, reminding readers that these women were born as daughters to moms and dads. They were precious little children, perfect in their parents’ eyes, and they entered this world adored. The tragic events and choices that led to their current condition, doesn’t change their true identity. And even if they weren’t loved by an earthly family, they were -- and are -- intimately loved by their Heavenly Father!

No matter where life takes you, or where those you love choose to dwell, the truth of Psalm 139 rings through all of our circumstances and tells us that God loves us deeply, and longs for us to know Him as He knows us:

“I look behind me and you’re there,

    then up ahead and you’re there, too—

    your reassuring presence, coming and going.

This is too much, too wonderful—

    I can’t take it all in! (139:5-6)

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

    you formed me in my mother’s womb.

I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!

    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

    I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

    you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

    before I’d even lived one day. (139:13-16)

Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!

    God, I’ll never comprehend them!

I couldn’t even begin to count them—

    any more than I could count the sand of the sea. (139:17-18) The Message

As my pastor says at the conclusion of every message, “You are dearly loved.” Indeed, you are dearly loved, and I trust today you will know God and His love more, and share it with the world that so desperately needs to hear the message. The woman on the street, her son and even her pimp, need to hear the message of hope that God loves them, He has provided hope and salvation and He answers anyone who calls on His name.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

50 Shades of Grey...and 37 uses of the word "Sex"

[warning: This blog post contains a frank discussions about sex, and is really intended for married couples and adults] I don’t know if you’ve heard the news or not, but apparently there’s some movie coming out this weekend that involves gratuitous sex, sensualized erotic violence and a fair share of graphic nudity. Apparently it’s a movie that is from a wildly popular book containing the same content (without pictures) and apparently a record number of movie goers are expected to attend the weekend premier. Apparently sex still sells, thus I'm hoping 37 uses of the word (or its variants) in my blog will keep you reading to the end.

There’s a lot of hype about this film of which I only know details from blogs I’ve read, and articles I’ve seen on my Facebook feed. I haven’t read the book(s), and I haven’t seen any particulars about actual content apart from the summaries mentioned above. I have been surprised by some of the people who are vocally boycotting this film, and equally by those who are eagerly planning to attend. (Almost ironically, I’m sitting in a coffee shop writing this blog post, and an add for 50 Shades of Grey just played on the radio.)

Whenever something like this grabs the attention of our culture, I’m always surprised by the responses of people on either side. Supporters of this particular film refer to it as a “redemptive love story” (from one blogger), and the graphic sexual depictions as “just sex” not much worse than you can watch on your television at home. Opponents call it “pornography” and an “appalling display of violence against young women.”

I don’t know why these reactions keep surprising me, they shouldn’t. And truthfully, they shouldn’t surprise you, either. We live in a world, and especially a culture, that loves to glamorize and sensationalize sex. This weekend’s movie sounds offensive on a lot of levels, but it’s really not much worse than so many other weekend offerings. Apparently, 50 Shades of Grey pushes the envelope significantly, but that’s what we should expect from a movie culture that thrives on hype, shock and pre-release buzz in order to sell tickets.

A few weeks back I was watching a movie with a friend, and all seven previews shown before our movie, included some sensualized image to draw in movie goers and sell tickets. Scantily clad women dancing at a party being crashed by secret agents, a gorgeous model wearing “Shorts” (I think the belt from my pants would have hung lower on her body than her shorts did!) was suggestively starting a car race, another woman disrobes and climbs into a bath tub with her boyfriend, a horror film preview showed more naked bodies than clothed ones (the whole horror genre reeks of sexualized violence!), and an upcoming “comedy” included the naked backs of a dozen women in an apparent attempt at making an orgy seem, funny. All of that was in the previews for movies!

I haven’t heard about any boycotts concerning those movies, and several have already been released in theaters. Why not?

Here are a couple of thoughts: First, in our sex-saturated culture, we aren’t shocked by “normal” displays of immorality. My wife and I have enjoyed a few TV shows that we watch on Netflix, and over the years have been shocked by how often immoral relationships are glamorized and normalized on the screen. Scantily clad women seducing married men is just another day at the office. Crime scene investigators solving a mystery at a strip club just happens, and two wildly beautiful women making out in the back room of a hospital just doesn’t shock us. We’ve become conditioned to believe these things are “normal” and “ok”. 50 Shades of Grey sends shock waves because it supposedly takes acceptable perversion to a new level. Personally, I hope it helps point out how conditioned we’ve become to all forms of perverse entertainment.

Secondly, “intimacy” has become so public, we’ve lost sight of the beauty of sex. Any of the opponents to this weekend’s movie who cast a shadow of doubt on the beauty and sanctity of sex, are just as guilty of destroying intimacy as the actors and directors of the movie (or any of the movies described above). SEX IS AWESOME and is a magnificent expression of intimacy and oneness, given to us by God, to be enjoyed in the richness of marriage. Suggesting that sex (implied) shown on the big screen, is “courageous” or “the true meaning of erotic” flies in the face of the intimacy that should be shared between a husband and wife in their sexual lives together.

Traci and I have been married for over 18 years, and I can tell you that our enjoyment of sex hasn’t waned a bit, while our capacity to engage, satisfy and fulfill each other has improved dramatically. There is nothing boring about our bedroom, and the moments we share raptured in physical intimacy are frequent, thrilling and incredibly intimate.

In fact, I’ve come to believe that the sex-saturation of our culture has struck at the central nerve of sexual expression by destroying that key component: the intimacy that was meant to be shared between two married people. When sex is reduced to a show, to physical pleasure shared in a raunchy bar, to uncontrolled animalistic urges between two (or three or four ...!) out-of-control college students, to day-time frolicking between a stay-at-home mom and the neighborhood pool boy or a desperate business man preying on the availability of young naive female employees, it becomes nothing more than an urge like hunger, sleepiness or anger. And like those other urges, it is satisfied immediately in any way possible.

By contrast, intimate sex is one of the greatest gifts any two people can give each other in the context of marriage. Hebrews 13:4 states, “Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex” (The Message). Sex is honorable, beautiful, sacred and when it’s treated like that, it will become fun, satisfying and intensely intimate. That kind of intimacy is what has led to a deeper understanding and oneness between me and Traci, and has become a spiritual picture of our relationship with God. When sex is seen in its proper light, no book, movie or web site can satisfy the sexual longings like true, God-ordained intimacy.

Instead of partaking in someone else’s sex life this weekend (or any weekend!), indulge in yours, and work on your marriage-bed intimacy. Don’t let this culture rob you of the great joy of true oneness. Men, don’t give in to the temptation to believe that onscreen (movie, TV, phone, tablet or computer screen!) sex has any valid claim to your thoughts, or will ultimately increase your sexual pleasure. Women, don’t romanticize the sexual experiences and “love” of characters created to exploit your emotions. 50 Shades of Grey is just one example of a nearly endless barrage of attacks aimed at destroying the intimacy for which sex was given to us. Next week there will be another movie, another book or another TV show attempting to do the same thing.

Let’s root out the sources of sexual perversion in our lives, and work hard on our marriages. Overboard author, Steve Etner, has a great book and has developed a ministry particularly aimed at helping men who struggle with sexual temptation. At the bottom of this blog, you’ll see several other tools and resources available to help you (men or women) reclaim the true purpose and meaning of sex.

Choose to enjoy YOUR valentine this weekend...and next week...and next weekend...and...

Go ahead and take the plunge, life -- including your sex life! -- is always better on the water!

-----

I love the guys at www.xxxchurch.com, offering great help for men and women with sexual purity.

http://www.purelifeministries.org is another great site aimed at helping people work through their struggles with misplaced sexual values.

Lessons I don't always like.

Over the past three weeks, Traci and I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions and feelings following the loss of my job, and the reality of facing a very uncertain future. God threw out a big stop sign, and we’ve been in the process of trusting Him while figuring out what’s next for our family. During this process, I’ve come across Psalm 143, and in particular, verses 7-10. Read them as written in The Message translation:

“Hurry with your answer, God!

I’m nearly at the end of my rope.

Don’t turn away; don’t ignore me!

That would be certain death.

If you awake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice,

I’ll go to sleep each night trusting you.

Point out the road I must travel;

I’m all ears, all eyes before you.

Save me from my enemies, God --

You’re my only hope!

Teach me how to live to please you,

because you’re my God.

Lead me by your blessed Spirit

into cleared and level pastureland.”

Those four verses have been powerful reminders in my journey the past few weeks. And here are five lessons God has been teaching me through this time:

1. God is never in a hurry, He is never rushed. You and I feel the pinch of time, and we experience the anxiety of watching the sand fall through the hour glass. That’s why David exclaims, “Hurry with your answer...I’m nearly at the end of my rope!” God, however, is never pinched by time. God is never caught off guard by our experiences or sudden changes of direction; instead, He is able to keep a perfect perspective on our lives and circumstances. His timing is always precisely right, because He sees the big picture you and I are unable to see. I can’t remember who said it, but the quote goes something like this: “God is rarely early. He is never late, but He loves to make a grand entrance at ‘just the right moment!’” Indeed. I’m feeling the pinch as we are getting closer and closer to the time we have to decide what’s next about my job, our housing, the kids’ schooling etc... and I’m learning to trust God’s timing, even more, as the clock gets closer to zero.
2. God’s love can be found every single day. Each day you and I wake up, is a new day for you and I to experience another facet of God’s love. David said, “If you awake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice...” It really is more of a statement of certainty than it is a statement of possibility. In other words, David is really saying, “Since you wake me up each morning with the sound of your loving voice...” In the mire of daily life, we can sometimes lose sight of the love of God actively playing out in our lives. Trust the Word -- when you don’t feel the love of God it’s not because God has suddenly vacated His commitment to love you! During this time I’ve discovered the love of God in so many details of my life; this hardship has enabled me to see His love more, not less.
3. God knows the best path. 23 months ago, when Traci and I packed up our family and took this job in northern Michigan, God already knew that our plans and dreams for this chapter in our life were going to be cut short less than two years after arriving. We were thinking long term, but God knew it was going to be a short-lived experience. Despite the current situation, we both remain confident this was the right move for our family, this was the right path for us to start traveling. If it’s true that God laid this out for us in March of 2013, that means the uncertainty of the path before us in February of 2015, remains the best place for us to be! David can say, “Point out the road I must travel...” because He knows that God knows the best path for this life. I’m truly learning to trust the Lord for the best path, believing that whatever happens on that path is best for me, my wife and my children.
4. Obedience is always right. At the end of the day, I’ve learned that obedience is always right no matter what it costs. While I can’t control the words and actions of others, with God’s help, I am able to work on controlling my own words and actions. As I wait for God to reveal the next step in our lives, I must choose to remain obedient to what I know He wants me to do. God delights in the obedience and righteousness of His children, and no matter what circumstances are before me, I can always choose the path of obedience.
5. God is leading. I love David’s thoughts in verse 10: “Lead me by your Spirit into cleared and level pastureland.” God is leading me somewhere, even when I don’t know where that somewhere, is. And He is leading me to a place that is cleared and ready for me to be nourished. “Pastureland” is the place where the sheep were fed, and were given rest from their travels. God is leading me somewhere, and when we get there, there will be rest and there will be nourishment. Over the past three weeks I have been reminded that The Good Shepherd hasn’t abandoned His duties as the leader of the flock.

The Overboard Life will constantly challenge you to grow in the expression of your faith. I know I’m being stretched more now than ever before, but I’m also confident that this is precisely where God wants me to be. Are you experiencing the pinch of time or struggling to see God’s love in a particular circumstance? Are you searching for the best path or struggling with obedience? In the busyness of life, have you lost sight of the Shepherd? If any of that describes you, let me encourage you to make Psalm 143:7-10 a part of your life today. Embrace God’s truth and hold fast to the course He has given you.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water.

Why my marriage will fail in two more years

Last year on our 17th anniversary, I wrote a blog entitled, “17 reasons I have a great marriage” -- to this day, it has been the most read blog post I’ve ever put up. I’m guessing today’s won’t have quite as much success. Because now, on our 18th anniversary, I’m going to show you how I could end my marriage before our 20th anniversary. It’s actually quite simple, and if you follow these five steps, you can end your marriage, too! (Don’t worry, if you’re working on a great marriage, I have a list for you, too!)

1. Make your marriage about you: This is the first and most important step in ending your marriage. Making sure your marriage centers around you is crucial in bringing it to a screeching halt. Nothing is more draining about other people than when they focus everything on themselves.
2. Make marriage about your happiness: If you’re working hard to make your marriage about you, this should be relatively easy piece to add to your marriage-ending arsenal. Make the majority of decisions about your marriage (and family!) that revolve around what makes you happy and content.
3. Keep track of everything wrong your spouse does: This is a very important list, and truly, might make the difference in whether or not your marriage ends appropriately. Keep this list current, keep it dated and keep it very private until just the right time. I can’t stress enough how  important it is to keep a VERY detailed list of wrongs your spouse has committed. (Practical tip: It’s best to have two lists. One of the obvious offenses [ie. when your spouse embarrasses you in public] and one of the unknown offenses [ie. your spouse puts their inside-out socks into the laundry hamper]. Trust me, you’ll want both lists at the end!)
4. ALWAYS assume your spouse has ulterior motives: If you actually think your spouse is doing something out of love, simply open up your secret book of lists (step #3) and review them. After just a few minutes you’ll realize that whatever acts of niceness your spouse is performing must be making up for something on one of your lists.
5. NEVER forgive, and if you accidentally do, NEVER forget: Forgiveness is weakness when it comes to ending your marriage. Once you start down the slippery slope of forgiveness, you’ll start to see the good in your spouse and experience the grace of God in your marriage. Trust me on this, if you want to end your marriage, forgiveness is a killer. Don’t do it!

Thankfully, by God’s grace, I actually have no intention of trying to end my marriage in the next two years. There are three basic reasons for this. First, (you really should read last year’s blog about this!) I’ve made a commitment to God, and to my wife, to fight for our union. That was a “death til’ us part” commitment, and since I’m blogging, I must be living, and that means I’m still holding up my end of the covenant. Second, I’m running out of words and ways to describe my wife. Next to God, she has been the most important person in my life. She has endured more than anyone, and been my greatest cheerleader and fan. Why would I want to end that? Third, and honestly, this is a bit on the practical side, but I checked the marriage market for middle-aged, slightly overweight, Mexican men with pitiful investment portfolios (thanks DK for helping me try to change this one!), twelve-year-old mini-vans, furry bodies and having three kids....things aren’t looking good for me. If my wife can love me in this condition (and I often think she’s crazy for doing so!) then I’m more than happy to keep this marriage thing going!

Truth is, however, the key to our marriage has been the grace of God in our lives. By His help we’ve been able to keep this thing afloat. Here are five not-so-secret secrets to our marriage success: (For those that need a more comprehensive list, check out this post with 17 not-so-secret secrets.)

1. Make your marriage about serving others: It’s not easy putting others first, but it’s the first part of a strong relationship. I’ve seen too many friendships, businesses and marriages end over wrong focus in the relationship. When I focus on me, I get in the way of everything. When I focus on others (my spouse), their success becomes my success, their joy, my joy and their happiness...my happiness. Truly, deeply and profoundly.
2. Make your marriage about holiness, not happiness: If I focus on becoming who God wants me to be, and less about whether or not I’m happy at any given moment, I’ll find two life-changing facts. One, I’m far more content in my place in life when I’m being changed into the man/husband/father God wants me to be, and two -- that new-found contentment will lead to a profound joy and happiness that circumstances can never provide OR take away.
3. Keep your lists short: In the Bible, Paul tells us, “Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath...” In other words -- resolve your conflicts with each other. And while he wasn’t specifically writing about marriage, it works there to! Clean up your list, every day, with your spouse. Resolve what needs to be resolved (or at least start the process) and forgive what needs to be forgiven. (Make sure you clear out your garbage, too!)
4. ALWAYS assume the best in your spouse: If you start the day by assuming the best in your spouse’s actions and motives, you’ll go a long way in keeping your lists short. I’m not talking about ignoring obvious problems or excusing away abusive or sinful behavior, I’m talking about assuming flowers were given because of love (not to cover a wrong), that sex was offered out of desire (not out of conflict resolution) etc...
5. NEVER hold on to wrong once it has been forgiven: If you’re keeping your lists short (step #3), make sure you don’t keep the completed pages in the back of your notebook. Again, I’m not talking about ignoring patterns of sin or unfaithfulness, I’m talking about truly forgiving your spouse and releasing them from the wrong they’ve committed.

I hope you’ll choose the second list of five, over the first! Marriage is hard work, but I can tell you that after 18 years of hard work, you couldn’t offer me enough money, power or status to make me want to end mine. God has given me such a great gift in my wife Traci, and because we’re both working through our imperfections with Him, and with each other, we’re making a pretty good go at this marriage. And it’s worth it. You are worth it, and so is your marriage!

Go ahead and take the plunge, life -- and  marriage! -- is always better on the water!

How to remember a day

Take a moment to think back yesterday. What happened yesterday that really sticks out in your mind? Go back two days, and try to compile your memories from two days ago. How about a week ago? What do you remember about the details of your life from one week ago? A month? A year? Usually when we step back into our memories we see key events; we remember the big moments that changed the course of our lives. When I think back to 2012 I remember a couple of big events right off the block -- our decision to move to Lake Ann Camp, and Traci’s kidney donation surgery -- but there’s a lot of haziness over the rest of that year. Overboard published a couple of books (can’t remember the exact dates), my family took a three week cross-country road trip and AJ’s baseball team won the championship that year in Little League. After that, 2012 is pretty much a blur.

This year I’ve picked up my journal again, and I’ve been recording the events of each day. I’m trying to see each day through the context of my relationship with Traci, and I’m amazed at how challenging that process can be. Sitting down at the end of the day and trying to record the events as they affected me and Traci has been very difficult at times, even though I’m only looking back at one 24-hour-day!

A couple of times I have missed a day or two and I’ve taken the time to go back and fill in each missing day. One time I missed 10 days of writing, so I carefully went back through the calendar and filled in the missing days. There were several times I took 10-15 minutes to try and recall the specific details of a single day and found it almost impossible. On one hand, so much happens in a day that it’s almost like data overload; on the other hand, when trying to see it only using the lens of my relationship with Traci, the data can be sparse (at least my recall of the data is sparse).

The question that keeps popping up, as I continue to journal my life on a daily basis, is this: am I facing each day with the intention to make my life count? In Project Nehemiah I spent some time exploring the idea that a remarkable life isn’t doing the “big things” that so often get labeled as extraordinary or special, but it’s in living in obedience, every day, to God and His Word. When I live in obedience, the other details take care of themselves. The opportunities to impact the lives of others will flow from my daily walk. From there, God may give my the opportunity to impact the President of the United States, or He might give me the chance to alter the day of an elderly person in a nursing home. Neither task is more important than the other, but both require a commitment to obedience.

This morning, as my wife and I went out on a morning run, we were both struck by the challenges of running early, on a warm and muggy day. At one point my wife said, “I feel like I’ve got nothing today” to which I echoed a similar sentiment. But you know what we did have going for us? We were running even when we didn’t feel like it. We were out there fighting the humidity and the early morning stiffness that, in the past, would have sidelined us. The run itself wasn’t that special but the choice to be faithful to running will net results in October when we both attempt our first half marathon.

In the same way, our simple obedience to God’s Word is preparing us for something in the future. Whether it’s to impact your own children or 3,000 campers, or whether you get to be the person that introduces a neighbor to Christ or shares Jesus with a world leader isn’t yours to choose. You get the chance to be obedient, each day, and to trust God to provide opportunities that flow from your obedience. And just like it takes intention to get up and go running on a warm and muggy Northern Michigan morning, it takes focused attention to your walk with God to choose the paths of obedience, faith and love in the decisions you face each day.

After my shower, a refreshing Rev3 drink and a healthy snack I realized this morning’s run was extraordinary. Three miles of jogging, walking and gasping for air is extraordinary? You bet! Because today I got up did what I was supposed to do in order to be ready for what’s next. I want each day to count like that (and not just for running!), and that means I need to be who God wants me to be in obedience, so I’ll be ready for whatever God wants me to do down the road. And that kind of faithful living, every day,  is indeed, extraordinary, and worth journaling!

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

The 3 P's of parenting: Poop, pee and puke. All in one night.

Before you have children, you are fairly grossed out by most bodily expulsions. For example, the thought of taking a damp cloth and wiping someone’s nasty little rear end is mostly disgusting. The thought of doing that five or six times a day is positively repulsive. What about pants that were peed on through the diaper that was advertised as being able to hold the entire contents of a whale’s bladder? Yeah, you touch those too, and yeah, no matter how careful you are, you touch a wet spot or two. Or three. And finally, the puked on shirt. It’s a miracle when the puke is only on the baby’s shirt! That’s almost reason to rejoice, mainly because that never happens. Babies are actually genetically engineered by God, to puke only when in close proximity to your cleanest garments.  

Ahhhhhh, parenthood.

If you’ve been blessed with children, you know you wouldn’t give your child back for all the money in the world! No amount of disgusting clean up could ever change how much you love your child. In fact, to the contrary, your capacity to take care of your child in their mess speaks volumes of your love.

When AJ was less than a year old, he was sleeping in his “big-boy” bed, and doing pretty well. One night, Traci and I tucked him into bed, and a couple of hours after we went to sleep, I was awakened by his cries for mommy and daddy. I told Traci that I’d take this one, so I got up and headed into his room. I was not prepared for the ambush that awaited me.

My little 12-month-old boy was sitting up, having just thrown up his latest meal. The room reeked of vomit...and what was that other sweet odor? Oh yes, he had clearly pooped in his pajamas, too. He did not look good, he was crying out and holding up his hands, begging for someone to pick him up. I just laughed. I told him when he got himself all cleaned up, I’d be glad to hold him, and then I went back to bed. “That little baby can take care of himself” I said to Traci as I lulled myself back to sleep.

Not really.

Instead, I called for backup and then I moved in and picked up my sweet little sprinkler head. He began to projectile vomit all over the room as I held him and tried to comfort him. Traci came in and almost dry heaved (she was pregnant) at the smell, but she didn’t have the joy of feeling the warm sensation I was feeling on my arm as AJ was emptying his bowels and bladder onto my shirt. The little flu bug he had was hitting our city hard, and later we learned that children were experiencing “severe reactions including diarrhea, violent vomiting” and, apparently, “total loss of bladder control.” I felt like AJ’s personal toilet.

We finally confined his projections to a blanket, he stopped firing, and ultimately calmed down. We washed him up in the bathroom, dried him off and like most traumatic events in a child’s life, he went to sleep and forgot all about it, while Traci and I spent the next hour cleaning up his room. We used an entire spray bottle of F’breeze, excessive amounts of carpet cleaner and went through five or six towels getting everything soaked up out of the carpet. I started the nastiest load of laundry I’ve ever done in my life. It was well past the middle-of-the-night when we finished cleaning up.

When we were done, Traci headed back to bed and I went in and checked on AJ one more time. As I sat there thinking about him holding out his hands, begging for me to pick him up -- I kid you not -- I began to tear up. It wasn’t just the foul odor that still filled my nostrils (I should have shot a spray of F’breeze up there!) it was the reality of the moment, the clarity of what had just happened.

In the moment of distress, it didn’t even cross my mind, but as I sat there afterward it seemed so obvious. My poor son, desperate for help, crying out for someone to hold him while sitting in his personal filth, was me. In fact, it is you and it is anyone who has ever walked on the face of the earth, except One. We are born with a condition that makes it impossible for us to know God on our own. We’re like AJ, we have no capacity to clean ourselves up, but just like my son, when we cry out for help, God comes to us.

And here’s the thing -- God doesn’t wait for you and I to clean up before He steps in. He doesn’t say, “You’ve lived a bad life, Joe. I’d like to have a relationship with you, but you’re going to have to do more to make me happy; you’re going to have to clean up your messy life and then I’ll hang out with you.” Instead He comes to me in my spiritual filth and offers a clean slate. He offers to do the cleaning, He just asks me to trust and follow Him.

I don’t know where you’ve come from or where you’re living right now, but I do know this: God is eager to help you clean up. He sees you for what you are, He knows all you’ve done, He’s been watching you puke, poop and pee your spiritual pants for years, and He’s ready to take you, just as you are. And once you enter into that relationship with Him, you become a son or daughter to Him, and the relationship never ends. Just as you could never do anything to begin the relationship, there is nothing you could do to end it, either.

I’m so glad God came into my life and cleaned me up. And I don’t know where I’d be today if He had abandoned me in those moments where I chose to return to my filth. But that’s the greatness of God, and truly one of the mysteries of His ways: He doesn’t leave us. We don’t deserve Him, we could never do enough to keep Him happy and pleased with us on our own, but He still comes to us. He still chooses to live with us, to take us in and always, always, offers forgiveness, hope and healing when we need it most. Somehow, in the craziness of the ups and does of life, He delights in us and loves to call us His children. Even though we never stop messing up our pants (hopefully we just mess them up less and less as we get older!), He never stops loving us.

Do you know His love? Have you come to Him and asked for a clean shirt? You can’t clean yourself up, so quit trying. You will never impress God with your own righteousness, so quit trying religion over a relationship. Instead, turn to Him in faith. Believe that He has opened a door for you through the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ, and all you have to do is believe: Believe you’re stuck without Him. Believe you can’t save yourself. Believe that Jesus paid the price you couldn’t. Believe that God offers it freely to you.

You can’t live the Overboard Life without Jesus. He makes life on the water possible and remarkable!

30 down, 10 to go.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

Wedding Day

Sometimes I wonder what was running through Traci’s mind when she was standing at the altar with me on December 28, 1996. I’m not sure we’ve ever really talked about her thoughts on that day, but I’ve wondered if she ever had that moment of panic while she stood there, looking at me, hearing our pastor describe an almost impossible task: “to have and to hold...to love and cherish...in sickness and in health...til’ death do you part...”

I know what I was thinking: “I’m so close! As long as she says, “I Do”, I’ve won the lottery. Please Traci...don’t think too hard about those requirements, don’t think about what those words actually mean, just say “I Do” and make me the happiest man on the planet!”

She did.

I was.

It really was a great day. We still run into people and talk to friends who remember facets of our wedding from 17 years ago. Most of all they remember the tiered wedding cake, opposite the reception hall from the tiered pizza tower. (Hey, we were going into youth ministry and there just seemed to be something right about having pizza at our wedding!) They remember the snow fall that started happening as we left the reception and got into the limo for our trip to the Oregon coast. They remember my dad with his driver’s cap on, pretending to be the limo driver! People remember the packed house, Traci’s beautiful dress and the happy end of a dating relationship for two high school sweet hearts. It was a glorious day.

Naturally, I have many fond memories of our wedding day. 17 years later, I also have some new perspective on the day we exchanged vows and entered into a new covenant with each other, before God and many witnesses. When I said, “I do,” I had no concept of the power of those words, and how they would forever change the direction of my life. Suddenly I was on a wild journey with another human being, one who would share in each aspect of my adventure, as I would share in hers.

With the words, “I do,” love took on a whole new meaning.That day, as we stood hand in

hand and repeated those powerful words of commitment, we declared that feelings and emotions weren’t enough to keep our relationship going. That’s really the essence of a marriage covenant. It’s a promise to make the marriage the most important human relationship you have. It’s a commitment to keep growing personally and spiritually, and to bring that growth to the table. It’s a choice to love that other person after a good scrum, when they’ve changed in appearance, when the emotions are running high or when they’re not running at all. “I do” means that, with all that’s in you, and with God’s help, you are going to love another person in a way that best pictures God’s love for you.

In Ephesians 5, Paul describes the purpose of the marriage covenant. And as he delves into the roles of husband and wife to each other, he does something amazingly profound and powerful -- he relates both back to Christ’s love for us! Even as he defines the fundamental purpose of sexual intimacy (oneness with another person), he relates it back to God’s desire for us to be connected to Him; for us to be one with Him and His purpose for our lives (not unlike Jesus’ prayer for us in John 17).

Marriage isn’t ultimately about our love for our spouse, marriage is ultimately about our love for God, pictured through our relationship to each other. When I follow God’s commands and love my wife as I love my own self, I’m becoming the man God wants me to be, and helping Traci grow into the woman God created her to be. When Traci loves me sacrificially and willingly, she is obeying God’s commands for marriage and thus bearing the fruit that validates her relationships with God (John 15); and that pushes me toward a deeper relationship with God, too. As Gary Thomas has rightly stated, “Marriage is for your holiness, not your happiness.” Get the holiness part right, and the happiness part will follow.

When we were dating, our commitment wavered based on any given day. I know I flirted with other girls, I know on several occasions I seriously contemplated exploring other relationship possibilities, and I went on a few dates with girls not named Traci. But the day I said “I do,” changed everything. I no longer had freedom to flirt or consider other options. “I do” meant that I was taking myself off the market (not that it was that hot of a market to begin with!) and I was done shopping. “I do” meant that I was in it for the long haul, and by God’s grace, I would pursue Traci, and Traci alone, for as long as we both live.

There’s such a huge difference between dating someone you like and marrying someone you love. When you love some one enough to marry them, you commit to being with them for the long haul.

In my blog, 17 reasons why we have a great marriage, I wrote about several of these commitments required for a great marriage:

1. Commit to keeping God the most important person in your marriage. Nothing will improve your marriage faster than making sure God, not your spouse, is number one in your life.
2. Take divorce off the table. Once divorce is off the table, the next solution is to find a solution.
3. Commit to give the grace you want to receive.
4. When you hit hard times, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are so many people who have already walked where you’ve walked, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask them for help!

Traci and I have made each of these (and 13 others) a reality in our marriage; not perfectly, but in progress.

How committed are you to your wedding vows? Are you holding your spouse to a standard you don’t keep? Are you looking across the table and blaming them for their part of the struggles, but not owning your own? The Overboard Life has to spill over into our relationships, and especially into our marriages. The only way that can happen is if we remember that love is a commitment we make to others, one that isn’t primarily based on feelings or emotions. But a funny thing happens when you choose to love others the way God loves us...the feelings and emotions soon catch up!

26 down, 14 to go.

Go ahead and take the plunge, your marriage will be better on the water!

Dating Traci

I first met Traci when I was in 8th grade, and we started “dating” when I was in 9th (she was in 10th...you know, that older woman thing!). We dated for just a little over eight years before we got married. In fact, our 8th wedding anniversary was a big event for us because we had officially been married for as long as we had dated.  

When I look back at our dating years, there is a funny growing and maturing process that took place (any of you guys about to make some wise crack about me and maturity can go ahead and make that now). What we thought “love” was in 9th grade, was vastly different than what we knew about love while we were both in college. Of course, getting married, working through challenges, having kids etc... expands your love in even more amazing ways!

Good relationships are interesting that way; they don’t stay the same year after year, but instead, grow and change with the people involved in them. People who “fall in love” with a person and then “fall out of love” with them because of how much that person changed, sometimes miss the point of what it takes to have an amazing relationship -- learning to grow together through change.

Traci has kept a big bag of love letters that I wrote to her through our high school and college years. Some of these are just a tad bit embarrassing and reveal an incredible amount of sappiness (and not the good kind, either), and others reveal why I shouldn’t ever dabble in the genres of creative writing and poetry. When I read some of the notes I gave her while we passed each other in the halls at school, I see an immature young boy trying to impress his girlfriend by committing a love to her, that he doesn’t possibly understand. I had no idea what the phrases “I’ll love you forever” and “nothing will ever come between us” really meant; I was just trying to express what I understood and felt about love at the time.

In college our letters took on a new depth, especially as we dated long distance while attending different schools throughout our college years. We had a few little breakups during that season of life, and both of us had opportunities to engage other relationships around us, but really our resolve to stay together didn’t change much. What did change, however, was the way both of us were growing up. We were being shaped by our experiences, by struggles with friends and family, by new information, by jobs, by the experiences of others and through what each of us were learning in our personal relationship with God.

As Traci was maturing and changing, our relationship was changing; as I finally started growing up emotionally and maturing in my outlook in life, our relationship changed. And that’s really how great relationships become great -- they become stronger through change. Instead of trying to hold on to what love looked like in high school (gag) Traci and I have embraced the changes that have occurred in us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and have committed to a deeper, loving relationship than we had before the changes.

And that’s probably the biggest lesson I’ve learned from when Traci and I started dating some 25 years ago! Commitment to a relationship (marriage, friendship, work, children etc...) isn’t a commitment to stay the same forever, or a promise to never complain, always be positive or never have any grumpy days. Commitment in a relationship is a promise to keep growing, to keep helping others grow and to work hard to hold the course through the changes that will come.

Change, is what is supposed to be happening in all of us as we walk through this life. In Ephesians 4:15, Paul writes, “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ...” Growing up is a good thing! But growing up also means change. Growing up means letting go of childish ways and thinking, and embracing new thoughts and a new understanding about life. As we draw closer to God we shed our old concepts of commitment, love and relationship, and embrace people around us the way God embraces us. I know Traci loves me more today, not because I’m amazingly more lovable, but because she has grown in her walk with God and understands love better today than she did 25 years ago when we went on our first date.

Are you changing or are you working hard to try and keep everything the same? I know people who live their lives trying to avoid change, trying to control everything so that life remains relatively the same for them. I, for one (and Traci for two!), am glad that I have grown up from my high school dating years. I’m thankful that I have a better understanding of love and commitment, and that my devotion to God, Traci and family is marked by a new maturity and a deeper wisdom that can only come through change. I don’t want to be the same guy tomorrow that I was today, and while I don’t always like the circumstances or events that cause change, I like the end-product as I grow up into Him -- the One who gives me life.

Go ahead and take the plunge, change is always better on the water!

#tbt: I won a $1,000 in a box of cereal!

I know I’ve already written past the 4th grade years a week or so ago, but on #tbt (Throwback Thursday) it seemed an appropriate time to share a story from that glorious age: the day I won $1,000 out of a box of Captain Crunch cereal.  

#whatyouareabouttoreadisatruestory

There is a whole area of study in human development that believes the most important time of a person’s life is the fourth grade. There’s something about that age that cements core childhood thought habits and patterns, and where a child’s belief about themselves and the world around them begins to come into focus. These scientists (behaviorists?) see an uncanny connection between 4th grade belief systems and adult behavior.

When it comes to fourth grade, I actually don’t remember much. I remember Mr. Vanderhoff and that I really liked him as a teacher. I remember that we got to be out in the “new building” in fourth grade, so that added a new layer of coolness to getting older. I have a few other scattered memories (like playing Oregon Trail on the Apple II E’s in the library) but most remembrances are pretty hazy.

However, the memory of when I won $1,000 from a box of cereal is vivid.

It was a Saturday morning when I stumbled out of bed and wandered into the kitchen. I grew up in a cereal family, where cereal was eaten day or night, and the prize in the box was never left to the second person. When I woke up on that Saturday, I was a little surprised to see I was the first to climb in to the box of Captain Crunch because my brother Phil had been required to attend a day of school reserved for extra special students: Saturday School. So he had gotten up well before me, but had chosen not to enjoy the Cap’n that morning.

Pleasantly surprised, I opened the box, and dumped a healthy pile of the golden deliciousness into my bowl, and poured a little too much milk make sure I’d have enough for seconds. As I crunched away, I reached into the box to pull out the mystery prize, only to discover, much to my disappointment, that it wasn’t a game, but a silly poster of Cap’n Crunch himself. I turned the box around and read that there was a special contest involving these posters and the winners would receive their choice of a 5-minute Toys-R-Us shopping spree or $1,000.

I finished breakfast then removed the wrapper that protected the poster from total Cap’n Crunch dust decay. There was the Cap’n, holding on to a flag pole, with a big cheesy smile. Apparently the flag had a secret glow-in-the-dark message that I would only be able to see in our hall closet, the one room in the house without any outside windows. So I took my poster into the closet and I couldn’t believe the two words I saw:

“You Win!”

I shrieked. I woke up my mom and told her I had won $1,000. Knowing the sweet, never sarcastic, always truth-telling child that I was, she replied in her most motherly tone: “No you didn’t. Now go clean your room.” I was going gonzo because I knew I had won, but I needed my mom to verify this great moment of truth. She wasn’t ready to be duped by her fourth grade son (who was known to carry jokes waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to far), so for several minutes she didn’t even think about checking the poster. Finally, whether out of true curiosity or just a desire to end this really bad joke, she took the poster and held it up to the light, revealing it’s secret message: “You Win!”

She read the box carefully and I began parading around the neighborhood boasting about my prize. I think I knew from the outset that I was taking the $1,000 because I had been wanting to buy a computer like my friends all had, a Commodore 64! Sure enough, the rules confirmed that I had indeed won the prize and we sent our poster off for verification.

During that time we talked a lot about the prize. I thought about the 5-minute shopping spree for a few minutes, but realized that computers were not included in the list of acceptable items, so I went back to the grand. The day my prize letter arrived, my parents carefully read the form and I selected my prize of $1,000. I still remember the day the check arrived and my dad took me to cash it. The banker gave me ten crisp hundred dollar bills and I had never seen so much money in my life!

$300 of it went into the bank. Out of a depth of kindness (or pity?) for my brother who passed on the prize, I think I threw a Franklin toward his future school bills. I gave my parents $150 for buying the groceries and then spent $350 on my new computer, a black and white TV (aka: monitor) and a floppy disk drive. I was in heaven!

Now some of you math geeks added up the money and said, wait, that only adds up to $900. Pat yourselves on the back for your astuteness, the rest of you go back up and check their work. My mom tells this part of the story from that corner of a mom’s heart that’s reserved for moments her children “get it,” and they are filled with so much motherly pride. I think my brothers and sisters filled most of that space in my mom’s heart, but I have at least one moment that takes up a little real-estate in that corner of her heart!

When the money came, my mom said, “Ok Joe, you have $1,000, how are you going to

spend it?” We had already been talking about groceries, bank, computer etc... but she wanted to know that I actually had a plan. I quickly corrected her: “I have $900 to spend and I will buy a....” She stopped me, “What do you mean you have $900?” I put on my best theological hat and explained that God gets the first 10%, so $100 was going to Him. That left me $900. I think she actually teared up a little.

The day I put the $100 bill in the offering plate is good for another story (something about pride and gifts given to draw attention to one’s self?) but the principle was important. My parents had taught me early on that no matter how much or how little you made, at least 10% comes off the top and goes to God’s work.

I look back at that prize money and realize that I didn’t even bat an eye at giving money to my parents, giving a consolation prize to my brother and especially about returning one hundred bucks to the Lord. It was engrained in me to give be generous and to be a willing and joyful giver, that from the outset I was readily prepared to share what I had been blessed with. I haven plenty of other moments where my generosity was lacking, but that big moment in my life, really set a standard in my life, one Traci and I still try to practice today, whatever the season of life. And the cool thing about generosity is this: it’s not just about money.

God expects His children to be generous with everything they have, because everything you and I possess has God’s fingerprint all over it. Did you work for your money? Well who gave you that capacity to work? Did you win $1,000 out of a cereal box? Who put that box in your local grocery store allowing it to fall in your cart? Did you inherit your parent’s fortune? Who gave you life and placed you in that family to begin with? God knows it all, He directs it all, and so there is nothing we can simply claim as our own. James reminds us that every good and perfect gift comes to us from God.

In 2 Corinthians Paul gives a powerful teaching about generosity and stresses three key principles:

1. Give generously according to how God has blessed you
2. Give regularly
3. Give out of love and joy, not guilt

While Paul was teaching specifically about money, these same three principles apply to all of our giving. Give of your time generously, regularly and out of love and joy, not guilt. Give of your hospitality with generosity, regularity and out of love and joy, not guilt. You pick the gift, and these three principles apply! Notice, too, that we aren’t instructed to give everything away, but simply to be generous.

The Overboard Life requires a truly generous spirit. And generosity is never in comparison to anyone else, but always in comparison to God’s abundant blessing and goodness in our lives. The reason God is the standard is because no matter how much you and I give, it’s impossible to give more than God has already given to us -- you cannot out-give the Great Gift Giver!

How can you be more generous today? Don’t let selfishness, fear, control or scarcity keep you from being generous with the gifts God has given you. Give generously to the Lord and watch how you share in a great harvest of righteousness and joy.

24 down, 16 to go.

Go ahead and take the plunge -- giving generously -- because life is always better on the water!

The day I met my wife

In the fall of 1987, I had one of those movie moment experiences in my life. You know, the ones where the beautiful girl walks in the room and everything goes into slow motion? It’s that scene when the hot chick looks right at the camera, flings her hair from one side of her face to the other, and says, “hi.” You know what I’m talking about?  

Traci and her family had just moved from Wenatchee, WA to Salem, OR and they were living a few miles out of town. They started attending our church and one evening my parents invited her parents out to eat. So my mom and dad drove us out to their place where my sister Naomi and I stayed with Traci and her sister (and a friend named David) while our parents got to know each other at dinner.

As I walked into Traci’s house the world started moving in slow motion, the beautiful girl did the hair thing and I was hooked. Yowzuh! The problem was, I thought she was quite a bit older than me, and I was pretty sure she was out of my league. Don’t get me wrong, I knew deep down inside she was already madly in love with me and was already planning our marriage, I just didn’t want to break her heart that things probably weren’t going to work out for us -- we were doomed lovers from the start.

You can imagine the crushing blow to my ego to find out, years later, that Traci didn’t have the same initial response to me that I had for her. I’m still working on that with my therapist, but we’re doing remarkably well in our marriage despite this rather significant setback. Anyway, I went home from her house kind of in love with her. Although during my 8th grade year I ended up “dating” another girl I had actually just met my future wife.

Shortly after I entered high school the following year, Traci and I had  become friends. I realized she was 20 months older than me, but because of her late September birthday, she was only one grade up. This fact restored hope in my heart, and I set out to make sure she and I dated before my freshman year was over.

That was no easy task for a number of reasons. First of all, Traci was the “new girl” hottie in youth group -- a bunch of guys had hopes of dating her. Secondly, there was the minor problem that I didn’t have the same slow motion impact on her that she had on me. Third, I was younger than her. Fourth, she thought I was “cute,” kind of like a puppy is cute. You don’t date your puppy.

Well, before my freshman year was over, Traci and I began dating. It’s always a little awkward when you’re a guy and the girl has to drive on your dates because she’s older than you, but when you get the girl, you can endure those hardships for a season. Ok, so it was like a year of hardship because I didn’t get my license until the following spring, but I still had the girl.

It’s funny how little high school dating has to do with actual relationships. Despite the fact that we dated for all of our high school years and most of our college years (with a few short breakups in there), we have always told our children and the students we’ve worked with, that dating in high school is a horrible idea. In fact, over nearly 17 years of full-time youth ministry, I know of just one high school dating relationship that ended in marriage.

High school dating is relatively easy. Basically you have the opportunity to alway show your good side, and to not have to endure the slow, mundane or painful parts of life. It’s not that you don’t have those moments, but you don’t have to live in them together. You might help each other go through a tough time, but when you don’t have to live in it together, you really don’t understand the full impact of the situation. Likewise, most of our dates were out of the house and out on the town, eating junk food, watching movies etc...  High school dating is really insulated from the realities of life.

Unfortunately, I think too many of us approach our relationship with God the same way we approach high school dating. We want the benefits of having a God nearby, but we don’t want the commitment that a real relationship requires. I loved dating Traci, but I also had freedom to explore other relationships, to ditch her for my guy friends, and when she was really grumpy (not that she ever was...in case she’s reading this) I dropped her off and hit the pool hall or arcade with my buddies. I loved having a girlfriend, but I also liked that she wasn’t around all the time.

Today I’m glad Traci is my wife. We’ve learned to put up with each other, not just to get by, but to really enjoy the depth of a loving, committed relationship. (On our 17th anniversary I wrote a blog post entitled about the 17 Reasons we have a great marriage that went mini-viral and was viewed by thousands and thousands of people.) She knows my weaknesses and loves me anyway, we have closed the doors to exploring other relationships, and have determined to work out any difficulties that arise, when they arise, in our commitment to make our marriage great.

That’s the kind of relationship we must have with God in order to live the Overboard Life. God can’t be our “go to” date when we want to have a good time or when we need someone to talk to. Instead, He has to be the One we are committed to above all else. We have to determine to keep him #1, to stay connected through daily routine, to turn to Him first in heartache and celebration, to embrace Him as Father and friend, and to recognize that our lives take on the greatest meaning when they are spent doing what He wants us to do for His honor and glory!

Are you dating God right now? If so, I’ve got some bad news...God doesn’t like to date! God is interested in having a meaningful relationship with you and the good news is, He will never let you down. He won’t fail you and He will never turn His back on you. You might not always understand Him in the moment, but He promises to make your life the best it can be when it’s left in His care, according to His time. And that is the heart and soul of what it means to live Overboard -- trusting God with your life!

17 down, 23 to go.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

Love and Legalism

It’s interesting as a parent of a 7th grade boy, to be navigating the Jr. High years from the other side of the table. More than once, during the past two years, I’ve thought, “Oh my word...what did I put my parents through?!?!” I remember, in particular, Jr. high was when I learned that sarcasm could be a primary form of speech and that I should definitely pursue a career as a stand-up comic -- I was certain that everything I said was absolutely hilarious!

Jr. High is an age where most of us are figuring out some key aspects of life, and like it or not, it’s the time when many of our values for living are set. Choices are made to do -- or not do -- certain things, to be around or to avoid particular people, and these choices set a pattern for our lives. I know a lot of people who’ve looked back at the decisions they’ve made in life, good or bad, who can trace the origins of those choices back to Jr. High. I think that’s one of the reasons why I’ve always loved youth ministry, and in particular, why I’ve always enjoyed the challenges of working with Jr. High students.

Bob Smith was my Jr. High youth pastor and he was used by God to influence me for good. Bob made it cool to be a Christian and taught us that living for God by making good life choices was not just wise, but fun. He taught us early on that if we would evaluate our lives by God’s standards we would end up living with fewer regrets while experiencing more joy. Bob was the reason I started aiming my life toward youth ministry.

One of the things about Bob was that you wanted to be around him. He had his own pressure washing business at the time and worked 60+ hours a week, yet he ran the youth group like it was his only job. He was high energy, he was funny, he wasn’t afraid to challenge the norms and most of all, he loved people. I invited friends to church, to youth camp and to activities all the time, because I knew they would have a great time and that Bob would love them unconditionally regardless of where they came from. In fact, I remember the time we drove up for a weekend youth camp and on the day of the event, I brought 12 mostly unsaved, mostly unchurched, friends with me. Even though Bob had a mild heart attack (we were a church with 2, 15-passenger vans for transportation, and I had given Bob no warning about my friends!) he welcomed them and made them all feel welcomed for our weekend away.

I also remember that Bob used to get in “trouble” with some of our church leadership because he valued people so much more than rules. We had a few leaders who tended to focus on the rules, especially the unwritten rules, of church life instead of the relationships of people in the church or community. One particular event that’s etched in my mind involved my friend Joe.

Joe had come to youth group a time or two before (I think) but also attended his own church. I really wanted him to start making our youth group his new home so on a Wednesday night during the summer, I invited him to come out again and be with Bob. Joe and I talked during the day and He assured me he was coming. So you can imagine that I was a little irked that as youth group came and went, Joe never showed up. I railed on him over the phone the next day.

Well, it turns out Joe did show up. He rode his bike the 3 or 4 miles from his house to the church, and when he walked in the front doors of our building he had been greeted by one of our older “saints”. The older gentleman asked Joe, “Can I help you find something?” Joe told him he was here for youth group. The older gentleman looked Joe over and was a little bothered that he was wearing shorts in church (keep in mind, it was summer, and Joe had just ridden his bike to be at church), and knowing nothing about Joe, his family or his spiritual condition he said, “Well, not dressed like that you’re not. Why don’t you go home and change, and then come back in pants...” (Of course, there were 25 of us hanging out with Bob in the back of the church, and 1/2 of us were in shorts.) Joe went home, but he never came back to our church.

That event has never left me, and in fact, has often guided decisions that I made in youth ministry. I know I made some mistakes, I know I hurt feelings, said the wrong thing and broke rules I shouldn’t have over nearly 17 years of being a full-time youth pastor, but I always tried to err on the side of love. I didn’t want anyone to ever turn away from God because I emphasize religion about God, instead of having a relationship with God. (Thankfully my friend Joe found another youth group that apparently hadn’t read the Bible verse, “Thou shalt not wear thine shorts on a hot summer day whilst riding thing bicycle” and he went on to love and serve God with his life.) But I’ve met far too many people that were treated so poorly by those enforcing the rules, that they never turned back to see the love of God that’s supposed to be behind those rules.

Don’t get me wrong, rules are important. Anyone who thinks they can please God without following the commands and truths of His Word, is sadly mistaken. But God demands that we follow His Word in love. Just listen to these few verses that describe the priority of love:

“ABOVE ALL, love each other deeply...” (1 Peter 4:7)

“And over all these virtues, put on love...” (Colossians 3:14)

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13)

There are many others but the point is clear: love for God is to guide our actions and our lives, not a love for rules. In fact, when Jesus was asked about the most important rule in the Bible He said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength” and then He threw in a freebie: “and the second most important command is like it: love your neighbor as yourself.” You see, when we love God with all of our being, and when we love others the way we want to be loved, we will obey God’s Word. John 15 teach us that if we love God, we will do what He has commanded us -- obedience follows love, not the other way around!

And if we truly love someone, we will show it by following the commands of God’s Word. If you love someone, will you steal from them? If you love someone, would you sleep with their spouse in a scandalous affair? If you love someone, would you invite them to do evil things with you? If you truly loved someone, would you intentionally want to bring any harm to them? Of course not! And guess what, those are all things in the Bible that we are commanded to avoid! So love leads us to obedience!

I was blessed to see love lived out in my family and in my Jr. High youth group. I know my life has been shaped by how Bob Smith lived out God’s love in my life and in our youth group. But most of all, I have grown, through many mistakes and missteps, to teach and preach the love of God more than ever. I know that the Overboard Life demands a commitment, not to the rules of God, but to the love of God; to loving God, and to loving others the way God loves us. When we get our love for God and others in the right place, the rules become a whole lot easier to follow.

What about you? Are you loving God with all of your heart, mind, body and soul? Are you loving others the way you want to be loved? Put on God’s love first, and then I think you’ll see His commands in a whole new light.

11 down, 29 to go!

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

Little sisters and other dangers of family

On August 1st, 1975, my chances of being the baby of the family ended abruptly. In a rather dramatic and quite rapid birth, my sister made an appearance as, not only the baby of the family, but as the only girl among three boys -- the proverbial “rose amongst the thorns.” Thus I was relegated to cheerful third born, and not spoiled last sibling.

While my sister may disagree that she was spoiled (the opinions of her three older brothers would stand in stark contrast to her own!), she was a blessed addition to our family. Yes, she may have been tortured by her older siblings. Yes, we may have shared a few laughs at her expense. Ok, ok, ok, I wasn’t always the kindest to my sister, but that too, was part of God’s work in my life.

In high school, Naomi and I couldn’t share the single bathroom in my parents house. (We disagreed strongly over usage times, and to this day, even after 17 years of being married to a woman, I still can’t figure out what takes girls so long in the bathroom!) The bathroom was just the battlefield where our disagreements emerged. I know I would antagonize her, and I think there was a time or two she might admit she was just arguing for the sake of a fight, too. My relationship to her was not pretty through the high school years.

It was during college, however, that I started to realize the problem wasn’t my sister -- the problem was me. As much as I wanted to blame her for taking up too much morning time in the bathroom, or be mad at her different perspective on promptness, the reality was that I was impatient, often unfair and frequently unkind. My sarcasm was sharp and hurtful. I still remember the day I sat down at my roommates word processor (any one remember those?) and wrote an apology letter to my sister. While I certainly hadn’t showed it, I actually longed to have a better relationship with her.

At the time, I was attending school in Iowa and when I got home for the summer, my sister and I did something we hadn’t done in years: we hung out together. We drove the hour drive from Salem to Portland and visited the zoo. We had a great time. I found out that my sister was absolutely hilarious and afterward, I met her boyfriend (future husband) for the first time. I’m thankful my sister was so gracious.

To this day, I’ve never forgotten what I learned from the frustration I used to feel toward my sister. Up until I wrote that letter in college, I always blamed her for the angst I felt; I never once thought that the source of the problem could rest with me.

Yet, that’s how most of us live. When conflict comes, we tend to blame those we’re in conflict with and rarely look to our own involvement. When we do look inward, it’s usually followed with a big “but” (I know I was mean, but....) I’m glad my sister and I were able to begin working on our brother/sister relationship. We still don’t always see eye-to-eye, but I love her and her family, and am so thankful that we enjoy spending time together and having our kids hang out together. She is an amazing mom and wife, and she is an awesome sister.

From the first day God put humans on the planet He did something amazing -- He connected them to each other. Adam wasn’t supposed to live alone, and even after Eve came on the seen, the two of them weren’t left alone for very long, either! We were created to be in relationships, first with God and then with one another.

And the reality of those relationships is this: they will experience hardship and brokenness because we live in a fallen world. None of us are perfect, and we bring our imperfections into every relationship we have. And when two imperfect people get connected (husbands/wives, brothers/sisters, neighbors) the possibility for struggle rises exponentially. So when I run into conflict with another human being, I have to remember that my imperfections are part of the problem, too, not just theirs!

I’m confident that’s why in the New Testament there are at least 32 different “One another” commands. Those “One Another” commands remind us to look through the imperfections of others, to try and acknowledge and work on our own, and to put the love and grace of God into practice. Here are a few of those commands, any of them resonate with you?

Love one another

Forgive one another

Be kind to one another

Build one another up [with your words]

Encourage one another

Pray for each other

Spur one another on to love and good deeds

Be compassionate with one another

Submit to one another

Bear each others burdens

Family is a great place to practice living out the one another commands of Scripture. I’m sorry it took me so long to learn that with my sister, but I’m thankful the last 20 years has been much better than the first 20 that I knew her. If you want to live an Overboard Life, you’ll have to come to the same realization I did -- relationship problems are a two-way street, and if you’re on the street, you’re part of the problem. We can’t fix others, (No, this isn’t an excuse to let others be cruel or unkind, and it’s not an excuse to be some one else’s doormat!) but we can resolve to live how Jesus wants us to, regardless of the response of others. As we say to our own children all the time, “Your response, is your responsibility.”

Is there a relationship you can work on today? Is there someone that you've cut off because you weren't willing to see your part in the problem? What "one another" command could you put into practice today? We were made for relationships, so let's work to make them the best they can be!

4 down, 36 to go.

Go ahead and take the plunge, relationships are always better on the water!

4 Things to do every day

On of my favorite books in the Bible is 1 Peter. I think I find myself relating most to him in Scripture, so I have a special affinity for his writings. Peter was impulsive, often spoke before he thought, was willing to step out, was often wrong and occasionally made things worse with the best of intentions. That’s my kinda guy!

Years ago I memorized 1 Peter 4:7-11, and it has become a passage that has guided my life. In part, because it’s so stinkin’ simple and practical. In part, it resonates with the kind of person I want to be. In many ways, it’s the heart of what an Overboard Life should look like. I would even go so far as to say that if you obeyed these four commands every day, you would truly be living life Overboard!

1 Peter 4:7-11: Four things to do every day

“The end of all things is near, therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray” (1 Peter 4:7)

Take time each day to connect with God in prayer. Pray for your family, your friends, your church and your pastor. Pray for God to help you see the God-moments of each day and pray for the grace to give to others in need. Pray and thank God for who He is, praise Him for His past goodness in your life, and praise Him for what He will do in the future. Make sure you’ve confessed your sin to Him and found His forgiveness and then work to keep the phone line between you and Him open -- pray throughout your day!

“And above all, love each other deeply, for love covers over a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)

I always marvel that when Jesus was leaving His disciples He told them this basic truth: the way people will know you belong to me is by how you love each other. Of all the traits God could have picked, he chose the issue of our brotherly love to be the marker that declares our allegiance to Him. Not our evangelism. Not our acts of service to the poor. Not the way we provide for our families, take care of our kids or parents, not the way we feed the needy, volunteer at the hospital or visit prisoners (all of which God has commanded us to do). No, the one mark that He said should distinguish us from others is our love. Love allows us to be a kind and forgiving to people, eager and ready to serve. Take time to intentionally show love to the people in your life. Choose forgiveness when it would be easier to be hurt or hold a grudge. Lavish love on someone every day and watch how you are affected by it.

“Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.” (1 Peter 4:9)

While the New Testament understanding of hospitality might be vastly different than ours today, the principle remains the same: be generous with the resources you have. Resources that could include food, money, clothing, shelter, transportation, time etc… In New Testament times, it wasn’t uncommon for a member of one church to come visit a town unannounced. That visitor may or may not know anyone in the town, but they could quickly find the Christians that gathered there, and they would have an immediate need for hospitality. Peter was reminding believers that sharing our resources is not only “nice”, it’s commanded and so is the spirit in which we are to do it -- “without grumbling.” In other words, happily share what you have! Take time each day to joyfully share your resources with others. What would it look like if you intentionally sought out opportunities to bless others with your time, or money, or house, or food or…??

“Each one should use whatever gifts he has to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.” (1 Peter 4:10)

God has blessed each of us with talents, abilities and gifts that are to be used, not primarily for ourselves. He has gifted us that we might use those gifts in service to others. This flies in the face of mainstream culture which speaks so much about advancing yourself for your sake, or for getting everything you can out of what you have to offer. No, there’s nothing inherently wrong advancing in work or politics or society and there’s nothing wrong from benefitting financially (or in other ways) from your gifts. Peter is talking about a base motivation -- serving for gain vs serving for the benefit of others. I have a good friend who has a number of very profitable businesses. He has grown them by using his gifts, and he has been a very faithful administrator of God’s grace serving others. He has kept the service of others as the priority of his business, while still practicing good business. What would it look like for you to seek out ways to serve others, using your God-given gifts and abilities? What if, every day, you looked for at least one opportunity to bless someone else with a self-less act of service?

Living the Overboard Life is ultimately choosing to live in obedience with God’s Word. Peter gives us four practical ways to live Overboard every day. Will you seek to apply these four commands in your life today? Tomorrow?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

Check out the Overboard resources available to help you live the Overboard Life. Visit our online store at www.bookstore.overboardministries.com!

17 reasons our marriage works

Today, my wife and I celebrate 17 years of being married. As with any marriage, there have been a few rough days -- but I’m blessed to say far more good and great days have marked our 6,208 days of marriage. So how do you make more good days than bad in a marriage? As I’ve thought about it, there are many reasons, and no easy formula. Obviously, if marriage was easy, 50% of them wouldn’t be ending in heart-breaking divorce. But like all our relationships, there are choices we make along the way that direct the outcome of our marriages. Choices to serve when  you don’t “feel like it”. Choices to love someone who is unlovely. Choices to grow through our own past garbage, and choices to surrender our selfish desires in order to honor and love someone else.

So as I’ve reflected on my amazing wife and how we’ve thrived (not just survived!) in marriage the past 17 years, here are 17 reasons that our marriage has been great. I hope this will encourage you in your marriage, too (in no particular order!):

1. Keep growing yourself: It’s so much more fun to point out your spouse’s faults than it is to identify yours and do something about them. Traci and I both strive to focus on each others’ strengths (not flaws!) while doing what it takes to grow in our own areas of needed growth. That’s why we’ve attended seminars together and separately, why we’ve attended counseling, worked with life coaches, read certain kinds of books etc… When we each grow personally, our marriage gets better.
2. Create great memories: Traci and I work hard to create great memories for our marriage (and for our kids!). We have to think through different ways to experience this amazing world. Sometimes that means saving a few bucks here and there, sometimes it means not spending a dime -- either way, you can create great memories with just a little thought.
3. Make God the most important person in your life: As a pastor I did a lot of marriage and pre-marriage counseling. In every instance I would remind couples of the same truth: The most important person in your life isn’t your spouse (or future spouse). The best marriages aren’t with the people who love each other the most, but instead, the best marriages belong to the couples who love God first, and then each other. When God is our number one, it’s possible to love others the way He loves us. When we try to love our spouse more than we love God, both our marriage and our Overboard Life gets out of whack. Keep God number one, and your marriage will be better! Jesus Himself said the most important law was to Love God with everything you’ve got…and the second most important law was to love others the same way. God first. Then others -- even your spouse.
4. Laugh frequently: My wife and I experience a lot of laughter. We love to watch funny movies, funny plays and try hard to seek joy in the life that’s happening all around us! We give our kids freedom to be funny, and more-often-than-not, we laugh at spilled milk rather than get angry when the glass tips over. I’m confident my wife would tell you that joy has been a core value in our marriage.
5. Give the grace you want to receive: All of us want grace given to us when we mess up, but most of us want “justice” when we’ve been wronged. I’ve counseled too many couples that were holding each other hostage with every word and every mistake in their marriage. God is an amazing grace-giver (see also: #3) and He expects us to do the same. Your marriage will be stronger when you offer your spouse the same grace you want them to offer you. Keep your list of wrongs short. Think of grace like many people do voting: give it early, give it often.
6. Take chances together: Traci and I have rolled the dice a few times, but we have chosen to take those risks together. A few have turned out well (her Usana business, my publishing company), a few not-so-much (I know The 10-Day Journey can still work!!!). In her awesome blog, my wife loves to say that she hopes her life is a like a roller coaster. It has ups and downs, but when it’s all done, you’re laughing with your hands in the air, your hair is wind-blown and wild, and you can’t wait to do it again. Taking (reasonable) chances together has created some of the best memories (see also #2) we’ve made together.
7. Share in your spouses dreams: Like taking chances, sharing in your spouse’s dreams is a huge way to draw closer together. It’s not that we always have the same dreams and goals together, it’s just that we are participating in one another’s passions. My wife will tell you her Usana business wouldn’t be where it is without me, but I don’t do many presentations with her, I don’t help recruit passionate entrepreneurs who want to change their income and their health and I don’t make her weekly business calls with her. I do listen when she talks. I help brainstorm. I watch kids while she’s gone. I encourage her to attend seminars and conferences even when that means I play Mr. Mom for a week. I help her with social media and tech. As she dreams about the future of her business, I’m her biggest fan! And believe me, the same is true for me and my dreams when it comes to her -- she is my biggest fan!
8. Date EVERY week: Some of you who have heard us talk on this topic knew this one was coming! I am convinced that over the past 7 or 8 years, dating has become one of the most important parts of our marriage success. We date every week. When the kids were younger, often any extra money we had went to a baby sitter, so our date was walking around the mall with the elderly people who were out getting exercise. We had some great dates like that. Other times it has been a movie or dinner or hiking or bowling or working out or watching a play or learning a new game or watching a sunset or driving to a light house or…. be creative, and be committed. Date your spouse every single week!
9. Get-a-way alone several times a year: Once a quarter, Traci and I take off for at least one night away and ditch the kids. When we lived near family, sometimes we’d have family take the kids for a night and we’d just stay home. Either way, we made it work so that we had a night without the kids. For the past 7 years, we’ve actually taken 1 week away without the kids, too. When I suggest that to many couples, they roll their eyes and say, “that’s impossible” or “our lives our too busy” or “our kids would never make it…” blah blah blah. We thought the same things when we first decided to make this an annual part of our marriage maintenance. We found out three crucial truths that proved us wrong:
   • Our kids actually enjoyed the week away, and looked forward to spending time with friends and cousins.
   • Our lives were too busy to not get away. The busyness of life makes our week away even more important!
   • It was hard work on both ends of the trip, but not only is it possible, it has become the highlight of each year
10. Surprise your spouse regularly: Everyone loves surprises -- including your spouse. Surprise him with a romantic night at home. Surprise her with flowers. Shock him with tickets to the game. Watch her light up when you hand her a 4-hour spa get-a-way. Break up the routine with a surprise that’s sure to make their day.
11. Let your pastor speak into your life: If you’re following through with #3, then this one will be much easier. Make sure your pastor has insights into your marriage and that you trust him for advice. It’s not that pastors are perfect, but often the insight he can give can stop a small irritation from becoming a marriage ending problem! Over 17 years of pastoral ministry has allowed me to see that some of the strongest marriages I saw were owned by people who listened to their pastors, and came to them for advice. Hebrews 13 offers strong words about protecting your marriage and listening to your pastors…not too surprising that both of these are in the same chapter.
12. Write mushy letters, notes, emails and texts: Maybe you’re not a “writer” or you don’t like that “mushy” stuff. Whatever. Your letters aren’t being published, it’s an expression of your love for your spouse. And believe me, everyone loves to loved on. Be mushy. Say cheesy stuff. Share your heart. Send that suggestive pic in a text. Make your spouse blush in a board meeting when they glance at their phone. Create desire. Make her smile. Build him up. Use your words to convey your love and do this frequently!
13. Take divorce off the table, now: After Traci and I had watched a couple of our friends choose to end their marriage in divorce, we made a commitment to take divorce off the table. It’s not an option for us. We have pledged to each other, and to our kids, that no matter what, we are going to make this marriage work. That means when problems arise, our solution is to find a solution, because dissolution of our marriage vows is not one of the options.
14. Share adventures: Kind of like #6, adventures are opportunities to create memories (see #2) with your spouse. Tackle a challenge together (run a race, climb a mountain, swim across the Pacific Ocean…ok, that might be a little tough) so that you have to encourage and strengthen one another along the way. Lose weight together, work out side by side, start a business, start a ministry -- share in some mutual adventures and enjoy the richness of shared experiences.
15. Develop healthy “other interests”: We all have other interests that our spouses don’t share. Make sure you other interests don’t pull you away from your spouse. I enjoy golf, playing basketball, watching baseball, reading and playing board games. My wife likes crocheting, reading, working out and shopping. When we each enjoy those other interests with healthy boundaries and in moderation, we don’t drive any wedges into our marriage or create time tensions that can be the source of arguments, fights and bitterness. When our other interests are disproportionately too big, our marriage suffers.
16. Sacrifice self: You can’t really love some one fully, until you’re willing to surrender your own interests, first. In Philippians 2, the Bible describes Jesus’ love for us by pointing out that He was willing to put His own desires and interests second, to the Father’s. Then Paul urges us to live the same way and when you and I live like that in our marriages, a deeper love will flow than we knew was possible!
17. Don’t be afraid/ashamed to ask for help: On more than occasion we’ve asked others for help in our marriage. We’ve gone to our pastor, a doctor, a life coach, trusted (godly!) friends and even our parents. We’ve participated in counseling, paid for marriage seminars and attended couples’ retreats. Marriage isn’t easy, and when you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help!

I’m so blessed with an awesome wife, and an amazing 17 year journey we’ve been on together. Not a perfect journey, but one I wouldn’t give up for anything. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can’t wait to see what God will do with us, and through us, as we seek to keep our marriage Overboard for Him!

Go ahead and take the plunge -- your marriage will be better on the water!