Mistakes leaders make (3/10)

I’m working my way through a book, The Top 10 Mistakes Leaders Make, by Hans Finzel, and I’m really enjoying the challenge. So for the next ten Saturdays I want to work through these ten mistakes, knowing that they apply to CEOs, ministry leaders, parents, teachers, coaches, pastors and just about anyone in any kind of leadership role. I promise to keep my summaries short(ish), and I would love to interact with your thoughts as we go along. These mistakes are listed in order of how they occur in the book, not necessarily how I would arrange them. Overboard Leadership requires an honest self-evaluation of each of these shortcomings (sins?) of leaders. Looking for missed posts, click here: Mistake #1, Mistake #2

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Mistake #3: The Absence of Affirmation

It’s no secret in corporate America that affirmation is the number one motivational factor for employees -- Employee incentives

In fact, I’m convinced many managers are aware of this, to a degree, but as Hans states, “[they] wildly underestimate” the power of affirmation. It seems like there’s a big disconnect between knowing affirmation is valuable, and applying it in the workplace (or home). Here are my suggestions as to why it doesn’t happen more often:

1. It requires time and thoughtfulness. Meaningful affirmation (a pre-printed, “Great Job!” certificate doesn’t cut it) requires time, and some reflection. If you want to thank an employee for some contribution, you have to know how they contributed, or in what way their contribution was effective. It’s hard to wing-it when it comes to meaningful praise.
2. Affirmation requires a level of engagement with your family, classmates or co-workers. You can’t give powerful affirmation as a leader, if you’re disconnected from your team.
3. One size doesn’t fit all -- a leader has to understand the different levels of affirmation his team needs. [see below]
4. Unfortunately, some leaders just don’t care. They are so focused on upward mobility, so focused on goals and achievement, or just oblivious to others around them, and they don’t care about rewarding others with uplifting words.

Finzel points out four different types of people, and suggests some ideas for how to recognize them. I think this list is pretty helpful:

Desperados: These people cannot get enough praise! They usually lack confidence, are a bit fragile and lap up affirmation. If you have a desperado, remember that they need to know when they are doing well...frequently.

Up-and-downers: This group of people can carry on for days, even weeks, without much praise. But something will happen that will trigger a downturn in their countenance. Maybe a change at the office, a problem at home or in the marriage, or the loss of a friendship or pet. A good leader will recognize when an Up-and-downer needs a lift, and will use those opportunities to pour it on.

Normal (Stable): Hans uses the word normal, I would use the word stable, to describe people from a pretty steady background, and who don’t have real high-highs, or real low-lows. These people are easy to overlook because they require such low maintenance. But don’t confuse calm with happy, or non-cranky with content. Look for opportunities to help your stable people be reaffirmed in their stability.

Autopilots: These are you home or office energizer bunnies. They seem to operate at a high level for a long time, and often require little attention. In fact, many of them are suspicious of praise, assuming you have a second agenda. Learn to praise these people as you walk or work along side them. Praise them with coffee cards (Because you KNOW they drink unhealthy amounts of caffeine!) or humor -- anything that shows kindness.

Kaleo Korner (From Justin VanRheenen, founder of Kaleo Media)

Affirmation is probably the hardest characteristic to get right all the time. Because of that, you’re going to mess up…a lot! Failure is going to happen. Don’t let it scare you. How do I know? I’m awful at giving affirmation. Which is very ironic since my #1 strength in Strength Finders is Significance. I literally want to know that I have done a good job and my longing for that, drives me to excel. But because I’m awful at giving affirmation, doesn’t mean I don’t do it.

Here are 3 things I remind myself about affirmation:

1. Making the company look good is a part of doing a good job. But to be honest, it shouldn’t be the point of the affirmation. So much work goes into making the company look good. How does my good work make you feel? What specifically about my good work makes you feel that way? (AAAAAHHHHHH FEEEEEELLLLINGS!!!!)

2. Most times, being late with affirmation is still better than none at all.

3. If you still can’t be sincere with affirmation, just keep your mouth shut until you can. If you can’t be sincere, you’ve got some soul searching to do because something is wrong with you.

That last one may seem harsh, but I can’t tell you how easy it is to loose credibility by being a person a who isn’t sincere. I’ve been that person. I’ve been managed by a person like that. I’ve watched people be managed by people like that. Trust me. Just don’t do it. Or do. And lose great employees or volunteers.

I think some leaders balk at the idea of having to know their staff well enough to know what each person needs. But this isn’t new advice! Look at what Paul wrote the leaders in a church. In 1 Thessalonians 5:14 Paul writes, “And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone...”

If you are in a leadership position (Dads/moms, coaches, bosses, employees, parents, children, students, pastors, CEOs etc...) you have a unique opportunity to bless those you lead with honest, careful and powerful words of praise. You have a chance to put into practice the last half of Ephesians 4:29, “...[your words should be] what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

How are you doing as a leader, providing affirmation to your team? Do your children need to hear more praise from you? Are your employees desperate for some affirmation from their boss? How could you encourage one person today?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

Mistakes leaders make, 4/10

Special thanks to Justin VanRheenen, friend and founder of Kaleo Media. If you want to increase your online presence, or improve your social media content and skills, contact Justin and learn from him!

When your son thinks "penal" is a medical term

A few weeks backs, I posted this story on Facebook:

A couple of nights ago, the kids and I were watching America's Funniest Videos, while AJ was finishing up a school project he missed while on our road trip. He needed to define words and then categorize them. (For example, he defined "pulmonary" and then placed it under the "medical" column.) I was watching as his eyes got big, and instead of just asking out loud for the definition of the word (which he had already done several times) he slipped me the paper with a snicker. He said, "I didn't want the girls to hear this one!" The words was "Penal." He was preparing to put the word under "Medical" when I assured him it belonged under "legal." I explained the word to him and then he, Traci and I wept tears of laughter.

I have a suspicion the “penal” story will circulate in our family for years to come. Even as I write this, I’m snickering as I think about AJ’s reaction, and the moment of realization when he understood the meaning of the word. As my friend Taylor said on a follow-up comment, “To be fair, that one is pretty confusing.” Indeed, and that confusion created a good laugh.

Thankfully, the definition for penal can be quickly explained and AJ won’t have to face massive embarrassment in his adult life when reading about some legal proceedings in the newspaper. Even if he did, barring that he became a lawyer with that same misunderstood knowledge, it wouldn’t take much to fix his thinking.

Other confusing concepts can be significantly more detrimental to someone’s life and growth.

Like many of you, Traci and I are on a great journey of faith right now. It’s interesting how some view this step of obedience as blind or reckless. That belief comes from a misunderstanding about how people have defined the word, "faith." Here are a few thoughts about what it means to live by faith.

Faith isn’t blind. Yes, there are times in life where we “step out” of the comfort of the boat and out onto the water, trusting Jesus to take care of us. But even in Matthew 14, where Overboard Ministries has its origins, Peter’s act of obedience to walk on water, wasn’t “blind!” Look at the passage. First, Jesus called him out of the boat, so Peter already had the assurance that Christ was behind this ridiculous expression of his faith. Second, Jesus was on the water where Peter was being asked to travel. In other words, Peter could see that Jesus was already doing what He was asking Peter to do. Third, Jesus’ rebuke of Peter for losing site of the goal (“You of little faith...why did you doubt?”) reminded Peter that when Jesus calls us to something, He empowers us for the task at hand. Faith isn’t blind.

Those same principles are true for our lives. If Jesus is calling you into action (and I believe He is calling all of His children to action, Ephesians 2:10), you have assurance that He is with you, and for you. According to Hebrews 4:15, Jesus knows what our life experience is like -- He lived here on earth, as the Son of God, fully God yet fully man! He knows what this life is about, and understands, experientially, what we’re going through. Finally, Jesus’ rebuke of Peter rings through the ages to you and me. Doubt, fear and anxiety are tools of the enemy to keep us from following the Lord. James 1 tells us, “...you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance...” God wants to stretch our faith to build lasting character.

Faith isn’t blind.

Faith isn’t the absence of knowledge. I have a dear friend who doesn’t know the Lord, and who, on more than one occasion, has accused Christians of using “faith” as a crutch to compensate for their lack of knowledge. He especially believes this at it pertains to science and the origins of the universe. Hebrews 11:3 says, “By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.” My friend would say, “See, faith is your source of understanding because of your [a Christian’s] lack of knowledge!”

I love what the writer of Hebrews is telling us in this verse. “What is seen” -- in this case, he is talking about the created universe -- points us to an invisible Creator. It’s not the absence of knowledge, but the fact that we look around and realize that nothing else in the universe, no atoms, no scientific theory, no natural law, and nothing duplicated in the world around us, can explain the origins of the universe. Each of these theories lacks a common problem -- a “first cause.” The writer of Hebrews says we see the world, we can understand much of what it is, and we know that someone outside of creation had to bring it into being. God is the first cause.

The Psalmist said something very similar in Psalm 19: “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge” (19:1-2). David, the author of Psalm 19, is telling us that creation screams one message clearly, “There is a God that put all of this into motion!” My knowledge of the world, my understanding of the laws of nature and creation actually point me back to God, not away from Him.

Faith isn’t the absence of knowledge, it’s the recognition that knowledge has its roots in truth, and truth is rooted in the Almighty God of creation!

Faith is never static. Ultimately, too many Christians see faith as a “belief in an idea” or something in their heart. That’s half right, but the other half of faith is crucial; faith must be active! James 2:17 says it clearest: “In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” I love how The Message paraphrases this verse: “Isn’t it clear that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense?”

Faith in God isn’t dead belief, it’s a life-giving conviction that there is a reason, bigger than me, to get up each day. It’s an unshakeable belief that the Almighty Creator God gives life and breath to everyone, and living life for Him is the greatest cause to which we can devote ourselves. It’s a rock-solid foundation for life that allows us to weather any storm, comforted in the knowledge that everything in life occurs for our good and God’s ultimate glory. Faith in God graciously fixes my life path toward an end that God knows, and one which He asks me to actively follow, trusting that what I see and know about Him, is enough to take the next step.

If you’ve been playing it safe in life, living in the safety and apparent comfort of the boat because you have a bad understanding of faith, I hope you will listen to God and follow Him today. He rarely shows us the whole path, but almost always lays out the next step. Will you take the next step with Him? Will you see who God is and what He is doing, and take the next step? Will you seek to understand Him and His work around you, and in that renewed knowledge and understanding, take the next step? Will you put action to your faith, and take the next step?

Traci and I wouldn’t choose to be on any other journey. It’s not always easy, but the growth and challenge we’re experiencing is worth the work. We don’t know exactly where this path will end, but we know the One who leads us, and in faith, we’re following Him. Not blindly. Not foolishly. Not passively.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water.

Words of encouragement (a blog post in just 4 paragraphs!)

Over the past few weeks, Traci and I have been truly overwhelmed by the number of encouraging notes, emails, texts, FB messages, posts, replies to blogs, etc... that we have received from so many of you. It is seriously humbling to be supported by so many people from so many walks of life. We’ve received notes from pastors and missionaries, co-workers, parents, cousins, firemen, military veterans, teachers, brothers, youth workers, students, 2nd career moms, CEOs, unemployed husbands, stay-at-home moms, principals, sisters, business owners, in-laws, church members from our previous work, small group members, baseball coaches and more. Truly we are humbled. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping carry us thru this season of transition. Your words of encouragement bring to mind Paul’s command in Ephesians, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those hear” (4:29). Without question, we have been recipients of your grace.

We’ve printed off all the encouragement we’ve received and taped each one to the back of our door. Over the next year I want to offer the same encouragement to others, that has been offered to us, so here’s what I’m committing to: each day between now and December 31st, I’m going to write a note that “fits the occasion,” praying “that it may give grace to those that hear.” Your words have not only encouraged us, but now they will be the inspiration for words that, by God’s grace, will be an encouragement to others.

Words are so important, and I believe I understand that now, better than ever before. Who could you encourage today? Will you take a little challenge with your words? For the next (7, 14 or 30...you choose!) days, take time to write one meaningful card, email, FB message or [insert your preferred message of communicating] to a person that needs a boost. Will you do that? Let me know in comments who's on board!

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

Hey Married guys, want to bless your wife with powerful words of encouragement? Check out this simple idea you can do for a week, a month or a whole year! TRUST ME, it's worth it!

Three thoughts for the weekend

It was a big show down. Me and two of my buddies, Joe T and Terry K, were going to meet up with three other guys to settle a big dispute. It was a proverbial “meet me at the flagpole” kind of event, and there was no turning back now. You could almost hear the eerie music playing in the background, the spurs on our boots rattling as we walked to the middle of town for a big shoot out. That’s what it felt like.  

You see, Terry had heard that Larry had something some bad about me. So now it was time to confront the talk. Basically, I told Larry, “I dare you to say it to my face!” and so we agreed at a set time to meet on the playground for this face-to-face confrontation to take place.

Now, at this point in my life, I had never actually been in a fight, and in fact, to this day in my life, I have never been in a real fist fight. Larry was short but strong, had been in lots of fights, and honestly, this was going to end badly for me. I think Terry and Joe came for moral support, and to be able to tell my mom that I died in glorious fashion at my own O.K. Corral.

We waited around a few minutes but Larry never made an appearance. By the grace of God, Larry had gotten in trouble in Mrs. Zioski’s class and had to stay in for recess. I lived another day, and by lunch we had decided that Larry wasn’t worth the trouble (ie. I didn’t want to go through life with my nose attached to my ear) and we all (including Larry) played football in our afternoon recess.

I talked a good game, especially when Larry wasn’t around, but truth is, I never ever mocked Larry for not showing up. It’s so easy to destroy people with our words in front of others, or on social media or through texting, but another thing entirely to do it when they are in our presences, especially if we feel threatened. Talk is easy.

Check out this piece by Jimmy Fallon involving Seattle Mariner baseball star, Robinson Cano. Last year, Cano played for the NY Yankees, but was traded to Seattle in the off-season. As the Mariners were getting ready to head to NY for Robinson’s first visit back to NY after being traded, Fallon thought it would be funny to let NY Yankee fans practice their booing. So Jimmy set up a cardboard cut out of Cano in a park, then invited Yankee fans to demonstrate their booing techniques. What happens next is hilarious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0b9rOji_PWY

You see, before Cano actually showed up, it was easy to bad-mouth him and talk badly about his character, his skill and his decision making. But the minute Robinson appeared, everybody’s tone changed. They offered man-hugs, high fives and even encouragement when they were facing the real Cano instead of the cardboard Cano.

So what do we learn about this video? Here are three thoughts for this weekend about our words around others:

Gossip will always come back to bite you: If you enjoy berating people behind their backs or blasting them through passive aggressive facebook posts (“some people I work with are complete idiots” was on my FB feed this week!) just know that it will always come back to bite you. Gossips are always easy targets for gossip. It’s just a fact of relationship: people who listen to gossip are the people who share gossip, and they are non-discriminate. In other words, when they hear gossip about you, they’ll spread it just like any other news. I always chuckle when one of my kids is involved in a circle of gossip, and then are crushed when they become the subject of someone else’s gossip. I always remind them that gossip is a sin (1 Timothy 5:13) and that people who gossip don’t care who it’s about! Gossip will always come back to bite you.

Ending gossip is easy: If you want to put an end to family or office gossip, it’s easy: stop participating. Don’t spread it. Don’t listen to it. Don’t pay any attention to those that gossip. I promise you that soon people will take you out of the loop and you won’t find yourself having to do the socially awkward political dance when you see people that you’ve heard gossip about. You know what else will happen? You will attract people to you who share your same anti-gossip conviction. There is something awesome about not having to worry about what everyone else is saying, and instead, having meaningful conversations and relationships. In reality, gossip is one of the ultimate forms of not caring for someone enough to do anything to help them, choosing instead, to just talk about their character flaws or personal mistakes. We end gossip when we begin to genuinely care for those around us.

Practice first-person problem solving: Ending gossip doesn’t mean ignoring real problems. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Ending gossip means confronting problem first-person style! Instead of airing out my problems online or at the office water cooler, I deal with relationship issue the way Matthew 18:15-17 tells me to: person-to-person. If I have an issue with you, I go to you. If I was offended by something you said, I take it up with you. If you don’t like how I’m leading the business, you come to me. If you think I was sarcastic and cut you down in public, you take it up with me. By following God’s plan for problem solving we eliminate the place for gossip and we create peace instead of tension.

Telling a cardboard cut-out how you feel about it is easy; telling someone face-to-face is hard. Let’s not be like angry NY Yankee fans when it comes to personal conflict but instead, let’s follow the path the Bible lays out for us and choose God’s path for problem solving.

There is no gossip out side of the boat, so go ahead and take the plunge -- life is better on the water!

My turn to weigh in on Richard Sherman

Four days after Sunday’s big football games, and everyone is still talking about the action on and off the field. Of particular conversation are the words and actions of Seattle Seahawk’s player, Richard Sherman after finalizing the Seattle’s win over the 49ers. As a passionate sports fan myself, I had to laugh at the divide that happened instantly between fans. Seattle fans quickly defended Sherman as being caught up in the moment, getting even for past grievances, and 49ers fans called his actions “classless” and “embarrassing”. Whether you think he is a Stanford grad using his IQ to stir up controversy and keep his name in the media, or a man ranting like a child, this much is true: he sure got us talking.

 Then interviews started happening, video clips were circulating on youtube and facebook, and apologies were issued and fans' entrenchment was even stronger! Was Sherman starting something or was he the victim of bad sportsmanship? I listened to a solid hour of talk about the series of events surrounding the Sunday interview and subsequent words, and this one thing I know -- it will continue to be a major piece of conversation leading up the Superbowl.

As I scrolled through my FB feed after the game, I was struck by how much the one moment evoked so much emotion on both sides of the debate. After reading a great blog that was written rapidly in response to the incident, I started putting down my thoughts. And really, it boils down to just one key Overboard concept:

Character is tested AND proven in the big moments of life.

Whatever you think about Richard’s comments and actions -- whether they were uncalled for, or a justified part of a trash-talking game and sports culture -- the reality is that his character was revealed in what he did and said. And the same is true for you and I when our emotions or reactions overflow into outward expression. Whether it’s because of sheer joy and elation, or because of frustration and anger, your “moments” of expression aren’t the building blocks of your character, they are the reflection of the character that has already been formed.

Many years ago I was driving around town with a pastor when we were blatantly, and somewhat dangerously, cut off in traffic. Instantly my friend threw together a series of profanities. In the moment, he got caught up and let the offending driver know that his actions were unacceptable. I couldn’t really blame him could I? He immediately turned to me and said, “Sorry for that…I don’t usually lose it like that.”

Maybe he doesn’t normally use profanity in such instances, but the reality is that in the moment of that driving day, he did lose it, and what was revealed was a glimpse into how he handles his anger. And I don’t have to look to my friends or acquaintances to see such examples, my own life overflows with moments that reveal what’s going on in my own heart. We all have opportunities to see our character revealed in moments where life throws a curve, justice slaps us in the face or where we overcome great opposition and experience extreme waves of joy!

Jesus said it this way, “Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34). In other words, the character that’s being formed inside of you and me will evidence itself in the moments of life.

How is your character revealed in the moment when...

* An unlikable employee is the recipient of praise, or raise, you don’t think they deserve?

* You get cut-off in traffic?

* You beat out a competitor for a contract bid?

* When the waitress messes up your order…again?

* Your team wins?

* Your team loses?

* The house doesn’t look like you think it should after a busy day at work?

* Your spouse shuts you down?

* Your kid’s report card is way better than your friends’ kids?

* You’ve just won the NFC championship?

* You’ve just lost the NFC championship?

* Someone writes an FB post that makes you outraged?

* Your politician gets dumped on?

* You least favorite politicians gets their way?

I believe character is forged in the day-to-day grind of how we try to live our lives. Then, in moments, sometimes special, sometimes fun and joyous, sometimes filled with anger and frustration, the character we’ve forged emerges clearly for all to see. I’m definitely not proud of some of those moments in my life, but I know this: what came out wasn’t an accident. Whatever words or actions came from me were rooted deeply in the character that had been forged in the hours, days and weeks when no one was paying much attention.

What is revealed about your character in the moments of life?

Are you intentionally connecting with God each day, so that your character is developing with His help?

What areas of your life often reveal aspects of struggle for you? How can you game plan to create wins in those moments?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

17 reasons our marriage works

Today, my wife and I celebrate 17 years of being married. As with any marriage, there have been a few rough days -- but I’m blessed to say far more good and great days have marked our 6,208 days of marriage. So how do you make more good days than bad in a marriage? As I’ve thought about it, there are many reasons, and no easy formula. Obviously, if marriage was easy, 50% of them wouldn’t be ending in heart-breaking divorce. But like all our relationships, there are choices we make along the way that direct the outcome of our marriages. Choices to serve when  you don’t “feel like it”. Choices to love someone who is unlovely. Choices to grow through our own past garbage, and choices to surrender our selfish desires in order to honor and love someone else.

So as I’ve reflected on my amazing wife and how we’ve thrived (not just survived!) in marriage the past 17 years, here are 17 reasons that our marriage has been great. I hope this will encourage you in your marriage, too (in no particular order!):

1. Keep growing yourself: It’s so much more fun to point out your spouse’s faults than it is to identify yours and do something about them. Traci and I both strive to focus on each others’ strengths (not flaws!) while doing what it takes to grow in our own areas of needed growth. That’s why we’ve attended seminars together and separately, why we’ve attended counseling, worked with life coaches, read certain kinds of books etc… When we each grow personally, our marriage gets better.
2. Create great memories: Traci and I work hard to create great memories for our marriage (and for our kids!). We have to think through different ways to experience this amazing world. Sometimes that means saving a few bucks here and there, sometimes it means not spending a dime -- either way, you can create great memories with just a little thought.
3. Make God the most important person in your life: As a pastor I did a lot of marriage and pre-marriage counseling. In every instance I would remind couples of the same truth: The most important person in your life isn’t your spouse (or future spouse). The best marriages aren’t with the people who love each other the most, but instead, the best marriages belong to the couples who love God first, and then each other. When God is our number one, it’s possible to love others the way He loves us. When we try to love our spouse more than we love God, both our marriage and our Overboard Life gets out of whack. Keep God number one, and your marriage will be better! Jesus Himself said the most important law was to Love God with everything you’ve got…and the second most important law was to love others the same way. God first. Then others -- even your spouse.
4. Laugh frequently: My wife and I experience a lot of laughter. We love to watch funny movies, funny plays and try hard to seek joy in the life that’s happening all around us! We give our kids freedom to be funny, and more-often-than-not, we laugh at spilled milk rather than get angry when the glass tips over. I’m confident my wife would tell you that joy has been a core value in our marriage.
5. Give the grace you want to receive: All of us want grace given to us when we mess up, but most of us want “justice” when we’ve been wronged. I’ve counseled too many couples that were holding each other hostage with every word and every mistake in their marriage. God is an amazing grace-giver (see also: #3) and He expects us to do the same. Your marriage will be stronger when you offer your spouse the same grace you want them to offer you. Keep your list of wrongs short. Think of grace like many people do voting: give it early, give it often.
6. Take chances together: Traci and I have rolled the dice a few times, but we have chosen to take those risks together. A few have turned out well (her Usana business, my publishing company), a few not-so-much (I know The 10-Day Journey can still work!!!). In her awesome blog, my wife loves to say that she hopes her life is a like a roller coaster. It has ups and downs, but when it’s all done, you’re laughing with your hands in the air, your hair is wind-blown and wild, and you can’t wait to do it again. Taking (reasonable) chances together has created some of the best memories (see also #2) we’ve made together.
7. Share in your spouses dreams: Like taking chances, sharing in your spouse’s dreams is a huge way to draw closer together. It’s not that we always have the same dreams and goals together, it’s just that we are participating in one another’s passions. My wife will tell you her Usana business wouldn’t be where it is without me, but I don’t do many presentations with her, I don’t help recruit passionate entrepreneurs who want to change their income and their health and I don’t make her weekly business calls with her. I do listen when she talks. I help brainstorm. I watch kids while she’s gone. I encourage her to attend seminars and conferences even when that means I play Mr. Mom for a week. I help her with social media and tech. As she dreams about the future of her business, I’m her biggest fan! And believe me, the same is true for me and my dreams when it comes to her -- she is my biggest fan!
8. Date EVERY week: Some of you who have heard us talk on this topic knew this one was coming! I am convinced that over the past 7 or 8 years, dating has become one of the most important parts of our marriage success. We date every week. When the kids were younger, often any extra money we had went to a baby sitter, so our date was walking around the mall with the elderly people who were out getting exercise. We had some great dates like that. Other times it has been a movie or dinner or hiking or bowling or working out or watching a play or learning a new game or watching a sunset or driving to a light house or…. be creative, and be committed. Date your spouse every single week!
9. Get-a-way alone several times a year: Once a quarter, Traci and I take off for at least one night away and ditch the kids. When we lived near family, sometimes we’d have family take the kids for a night and we’d just stay home. Either way, we made it work so that we had a night without the kids. For the past 7 years, we’ve actually taken 1 week away without the kids, too. When I suggest that to many couples, they roll their eyes and say, “that’s impossible” or “our lives our too busy” or “our kids would never make it…” blah blah blah. We thought the same things when we first decided to make this an annual part of our marriage maintenance. We found out three crucial truths that proved us wrong:
   • Our kids actually enjoyed the week away, and looked forward to spending time with friends and cousins.
   • Our lives were too busy to not get away. The busyness of life makes our week away even more important!
   • It was hard work on both ends of the trip, but not only is it possible, it has become the highlight of each year
10. Surprise your spouse regularly: Everyone loves surprises -- including your spouse. Surprise him with a romantic night at home. Surprise her with flowers. Shock him with tickets to the game. Watch her light up when you hand her a 4-hour spa get-a-way. Break up the routine with a surprise that’s sure to make their day.
11. Let your pastor speak into your life: If you’re following through with #3, then this one will be much easier. Make sure your pastor has insights into your marriage and that you trust him for advice. It’s not that pastors are perfect, but often the insight he can give can stop a small irritation from becoming a marriage ending problem! Over 17 years of pastoral ministry has allowed me to see that some of the strongest marriages I saw were owned by people who listened to their pastors, and came to them for advice. Hebrews 13 offers strong words about protecting your marriage and listening to your pastors…not too surprising that both of these are in the same chapter.
12. Write mushy letters, notes, emails and texts: Maybe you’re not a “writer” or you don’t like that “mushy” stuff. Whatever. Your letters aren’t being published, it’s an expression of your love for your spouse. And believe me, everyone loves to loved on. Be mushy. Say cheesy stuff. Share your heart. Send that suggestive pic in a text. Make your spouse blush in a board meeting when they glance at their phone. Create desire. Make her smile. Build him up. Use your words to convey your love and do this frequently!
13. Take divorce off the table, now: After Traci and I had watched a couple of our friends choose to end their marriage in divorce, we made a commitment to take divorce off the table. It’s not an option for us. We have pledged to each other, and to our kids, that no matter what, we are going to make this marriage work. That means when problems arise, our solution is to find a solution, because dissolution of our marriage vows is not one of the options.
14. Share adventures: Kind of like #6, adventures are opportunities to create memories (see #2) with your spouse. Tackle a challenge together (run a race, climb a mountain, swim across the Pacific Ocean…ok, that might be a little tough) so that you have to encourage and strengthen one another along the way. Lose weight together, work out side by side, start a business, start a ministry -- share in some mutual adventures and enjoy the richness of shared experiences.
15. Develop healthy “other interests”: We all have other interests that our spouses don’t share. Make sure you other interests don’t pull you away from your spouse. I enjoy golf, playing basketball, watching baseball, reading and playing board games. My wife likes crocheting, reading, working out and shopping. When we each enjoy those other interests with healthy boundaries and in moderation, we don’t drive any wedges into our marriage or create time tensions that can be the source of arguments, fights and bitterness. When our other interests are disproportionately too big, our marriage suffers.
16. Sacrifice self: You can’t really love some one fully, until you’re willing to surrender your own interests, first. In Philippians 2, the Bible describes Jesus’ love for us by pointing out that He was willing to put His own desires and interests second, to the Father’s. Then Paul urges us to live the same way and when you and I live like that in our marriages, a deeper love will flow than we knew was possible!
17. Don’t be afraid/ashamed to ask for help: On more than occasion we’ve asked others for help in our marriage. We’ve gone to our pastor, a doctor, a life coach, trusted (godly!) friends and even our parents. We’ve participated in counseling, paid for marriage seminars and attended couples’ retreats. Marriage isn’t easy, and when you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help!

I’m so blessed with an awesome wife, and an amazing 17 year journey we’ve been on together. Not a perfect journey, but one I wouldn’t give up for anything. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can’t wait to see what God will do with us, and through us, as we seek to keep our marriage Overboard for Him!

Go ahead and take the plunge -- your marriage will be better on the water!

The 5-Phrase Challenge

We all know our words have a profound impact on the people and circumstances around us. My wife loves to say, “Change your language, change your life.” Last week she wrote an awesome blog on the power of changing how you say, what you say.

Today, I want to challenge you to bring some change to your language in a way that could profoundly alter your day, and the day of those you interact with. Take some time to thoughtfully use each of the following five phrases in the next 24-hours, and see what happens as you do.

1. “I forgive you.” That’s right, today, intentionally release someone who has wronged you. That crazy woman talking on her cell, drinking a cup of coffee while putting on her make up….and oh….trying to drive! Instead of screaming a profanity at the way she just cut you off, offer a word of forgiveness. Literally, out loud, say, “I forgive you.” Or maybe a coworker, boss, roommate or spouse has offended you? Today, release them of the debt they owe and tell them they are forgiven.
2. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” This verse is one of the most profound in Scripture, reminding us that God will give us all we need for the challenges He brings our way. When you are feeling lost, overwhelmed or under equipped, speak these sweet words of promise today!
3. “Everything works for my good, because my God is so big!” This isn’t cliche, it’s truth. God promises to take everything in your life and mine, and to use it for our very best if we’ll but trust Him. When you are faced with a hardship or difficulty, remind yourself verbally to trust God to make good work with your situation.
4. “I love you.” Don’t assume the people around you know you love them. Remind them with your words (and actions!) that you care deeply for them and their well-being!
5. “How can I serve you?” If you’re up for a real challenge, use this phrase with someone you wouldn’t ordinarily serve. You know, that employer who demands too much, and offers little thanks? Surprise them with “How can I serve you?” What about your kids? Your parents? your annoying neighbor? Dig deep and offer to serve.

Will you take up the challenge to use these five phrases today?

While living the Overboard Life is relatively simple, it is rarely easy. Every day you and I have opportunities to use our words and conversations to live Overboard, but just don’t think of how to do that ‘in the moment.’ By taking on today’s challenge, you are choosing to live Overboard, one conversation at a time!

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

The dirty "D" word (1/7)

There are a lot of “dirty words”. You know, those words you’d speak as a kid and your mom or dad would threaten to wash your mouth out with soap. I may or may not have had my mouth washed out with soap two times during my childhood.  

Confession time: My 8th grade year was my cussing year. It was the year I decided that I needed to learn how to cuss correctly, so I embraced profanity as a part of my vocabulary. Of course, I only cussed around a few friends, and never at home. In fact, oddly, I only cussed around my Christian friends because I didn’t want to be a bad testimony to my friends who didn’t know Jesus. Craig...Jason...Joe...sorry about that.

My cussing phase actually ended abruptly

One Sunday after church I was watching my beloved Oakland Raiders play on TV. A play happened at the end of the game where the boys in silver and black turned the ball over and lost the game. As the interception was thrown, I blurted out one of those “dirty words”. Only problem was that my mother was in the room. I tried to assure her that I said “piece of ship” in reference to quarterback Mark Wilson. She was fairly convinced I wasn’t insulting his nautical likeness.

When dad came home that afternoon, he helped cure me of my cussing problem.

Now I’m 38 and I still try to avoid those “dirty words”. However, I’ve added a few more to the list than the four-letter classics. Words like, “discipline”.

While the word discipline won’t make my mom give me one of those stares that is a God-given gift to mothers, it carries with it a lot of baggage. Just try it. Next time you’re having fun hanging out with friends at a party, loudly say this: “Man, I just really need to work on my personal discipline!” [cue music scratching, conversation abruptly ending, room halting, everyone staring in disbelief]. You know someone will want to know if you kiss your mom with those lips.

Discipline evokes emotions. If you grew up in a super disciplined home, you might react negatively to the word. If you have lived most of your life without discipline, you might see it as a threat. If you love a well-organized, super structured work or home environment, discipline might be one of your favorite words (sicko!). But like most profanities, you can’t use the word without people noticing.

For the next couple of weeks I want to write about some key disciplines necessary to live the Overboard Life. As much as you and I may want to add discipline to the dirty words list, we have to be willing to see the power of this idea to influence our choices. Discipline must become a part of our vocabulary, by becoming a part of our daily experience. And like most life changing concepts, discipline isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for success -- it must be adapted to our individual personal contexts.

So what are some of your thoughts on discipline? Would you be willing to share in the comments your fears, loves, hates when it comes to this dirty d word? Where is discipline easy for you? Where is it a struggle?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!