Some anniversaries aren't fun to remember

This past weekend we remembered an anniversary. It’s hard to say we “celebrated” because that certainly wasn’t the tone, but we definitely remembered. Some anniversaries are, after all, hard to enjoy. The moment in recall was the day I lost my job, January 16th, 2015, and the day our family began a year like none other we’ve experienced. In the 12 months since the afternoon I took my last walk from the office to my house, we’ve experienced the life of faith like never before. Traci and I have felt the love of friends and family like at no other time in our marriage, and we’ve felt some of the highest highs and lowest lows. It has been a wild journey.

The first seven months after that departure were filled with many couch-surfing adventures (with our family of five!), thousands and thousands of miles on the road (two trips to the West Coast and back) and many tearful nights and tension filled days. We had to make tough never-been-here-before decisions, and trust in God’s hand to take care of us. We made some great memories along the way, including the time we spent on road visiting friends and family.

I remember vividly, the August 5th morning that we were returning from our six week, 11,000 mile road trip to the West Coast. We were still uncertain about the details of the future, but confident that God wanted us to stay in Michigan. We were driving in from a couple night’s rest in Galena, Illinois, and we literally didn’t know where we were going to stay that night (or any night thereafter!).

Some dear friends texted with my wife asking about our living situation, and they assured us that their home would always be available to us, and for the next two nights we would rest in their hospitality. As Traci and I fell asleep in their camper (not even joking when I tell you that it was the absolute best night of sleep I had experienced in months!), I became profoundly aware of how much God had taken care of us. How much He had provided for us along the way.

By that night in August, I had lost track of the number of different beds we had fallen asleep in (well over 30!), and the number of times financial gifts came in to bless us at “just the right moment” of need. Two trips to the West Coast had gone off without a hitch, literally, without a single problem from our 280,000-mile-old vehicle. Hundreds and hundreds of emails, FB messages and posts, texts and phone calls had come our way from people who just wanted to encourage us along the journey. Truly, in the midst of being homeless and jobless, I had never had a more profound sense of God’s work in my life.

So this weekend, on the one year anniversary of watching God change things up as only He can do, I remember, somberly, that His ways are not mine. I remember that He holds the future in His hands -- He already knows tomorrow better than I know yesterday! While I was experiencing (perceived) injustice, hurt, uncertainty and far more questions than answers, God already knew where the path was leading, and He was directing me -- the whole family! -- with the patience, grace and mercy of a loving father.

Ultimately, the goal of living the Overboard Life is that, through an active faith in God and His work in our lives, we are becoming more and more like His Son. That transformation is worth all the uncertainty, hardship and challenge that God directs our way and that this world throws at us. I am praying that 2016 is vastly different than the year we just put behind us, but even more, I am praying that the seeds of change God planted in our hearts and minds last January, take full root and began to blossom and produce fruit in this year.

When I think of the past year with that perspective, I have no choice but to celebrate this anniversary.

What about you? Do you have a painful anniversary that you need to see in a different light? It’s not easy, but it is freeing. After all, since becoming like Jesus is the goal, we must learn to embrace the process that gets us there.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life -- even your painful past -- is better on the water!

#marriagematters especially for your kids

When I look back at wedding day pics of me and my bride, I’m stuck by the sheer lack of awareness that rests in our eyes! Our wedding day was pure joy, and we have nothing but great memories from December 28th, 1996. The process leading up to our wedding was crazy, tumultuous, fun, tense, joyful and even tearful, but our wedding day was beautiful.

19 years later and I can honestly say, we had no idea what this journey was going to be like. We’ve owned six cars, lived in 7 (I think?) houses in three states, I’ve had three jobs and we’ve enjoyed a fair amount of travel together. I’ve preached in several different countries, we have met amazing people and God has given us more than we ever imagined in terms of friendships and connections.

But more than any of that, on that beautiful snowy day in Salem on December 28th, 1996, we had no way of knowing just how much our three future children would change our lives. Nothing really prepares you for the title of parent, and I’m not sure if there is any aspect of life that is more rewarding and frustrating, more joyful and painful, more thrilling and excruciating than that of parenting. Traci and I wouldn’t trade our family for anything in the world, and truly, when we count our blessings, AJ, BJ and CJ are always at the top of the list.

So as I thought about this anniversary blog, I thought about how much influence our marriage has on our children. In fact, I think marriage is the single greatest influence on children, generally speaking, and here are 10 areas of life that your marriage is teaching your kids. In other words: your marriage matters to your children, more than we can ever quantify, so keep working at it!

1. Giving our children a true understanding of love: Everyone craves love. I’m guessing that half of the Christmas movies we watched this year revolved around the message of love and that, in the end, love is more important than anything else. But the happily-ever-after movie love, is only a tiny glimpse of how God defines love. Yes, love involves emotions and feelings and the touchy-feely side of relationships that is so attractive on the outside. However, that part of love is fleeting, and I’m sure all of us have seen it come and go on our Facebook feeds with friends still searching for it! True love goes so much deeper, involving a commitment and choice that strengthens those other aspects of love. Traci and I are constantly reminding our children, through our marriage, that real love is an act of the will, not something you fall into and out of based on the day. Real love is a choice to keep growing, changing, learning, confessing, forgiving and embracing one another as imperfect children of God, not as the fairy tale movie character with perfect hair first thing in the morning.
2. Helping them understand gender and roles: The gender crisis we are experiencing in our country today, I fully believe, is rooted in the marriage crisis we’ve been living with for decades. Godly marriages define and promote the beauty in God-designed gender differences and roles. The fact that men and women are different in creation, equal in value and designed to compliment each other in marriage is absolutely central in the gender discussion of our day. During the past 20 years of ministry discussions, with scores of people (from age 10 to 70) who have struggled with their gender roles and identity, I’m amazed that the vast majority of those conversations end up back at a marriage. Their marriage. Their parents’ marriage. Their in-laws’ marriage. Somewhere along the way, they saw in a marriage something that was out of balance. Usually it was a dad or mom that was abusive, controlling, hypocritically “religious” or absent. Somewhere along the journey, a broken or dysfunctional marriage was a major factor in this person’s struggle to embrace their own identity as a man or woman, and to accept the role(s) connected to that gender. Traci and I are teaching our kids the value of womanhood and manhood, teaching them how God designed those genders to work together and how beautiful His plan is in the right context.

   

3. Giving my son an example of what kind of woman he should seek: Our marriage is the first exposure to relationships that any of our children have had. I want AJ to see in Traci, the kind of woman that he should seek for his own marriage! As Traci and I work and our marriage together, he is seeing an example of a woman who sacrifices for her family, who lavishes grace on her children and husband, who takes joy in managing our home and crazy schedules, who excels in her business ventures and who loves her identity in Christ. AJ sees a woman who gives her all, and at the end of the day finds she still has more to give. He sees a wife and mom who loves her family, but prioritizes the relationship with husband even over her parenting tasks. Your marriage will be the standard by which your children will seek their own spouse, so give them a great target at which to shoot!
4. Providing a model for my girls to choose their husbands carefully: Like AJ, our girls are seeing how I treat Traci, and that will have a significant impact on the type of man they will choose. I want them to see a man who honors his wife above all other human relationships (even the ones with my kids!) and one who lives with his wife, not over her. My girls are seeing a husband that embraces and celebrates his wife and her successes, who promotes her above any other woman, and I hope they are seeing a man who won’t allow another woman to captivate him the way his wife does.
5. Teaching our kids generosity in all seasons of life: Your kids are learning about money from your marriage. A big issue for Traci and I is that we want our children to understand the true meaning of generosity in all stages and seasons of life. We want them to embrace abundant giving, even when the bank account has more pennies than dollars! How you manage money, how you talk about your finances and how you model your generosity will trickle down to your children in significant ways. Your marriage is teaching your children about life’s priorities, and where money fits on that list.
6. Showing them how to handle disappointment, heartache, anger and loss: Your marriage is a front-row seat for your kids to view how you handle life’s setbacks. Over 19 years of marriage we have navigated loss, anger, heartache, pain and suffering and our three kids have seen the cycles of grief and the processes of growth play out in our lives and marriage. They’ve watched as we’ve struggled with each other, how we’ve handled internal conflict, as well as how we’ve handled pressure from outside our marriage. As we navigate life’s hard stuff together, our children are seeing our marriage commitment played out in “real life” and I pray this will influence their own marriage commitments.
7. Demonstrating the importance of life with God: More than anything, I hope our children have seen that life with God is the best life imaginable. Our marriage has been a testing ground for us, and a viewing ground for our children, on whether or not we would hold the course God has set out for us. We’ve navigated great moments of praise and thanksgiving when everything came up like roses, and they’ve watched as we “ran the race” nicked up, injured and wondering where the path was headed. We pray that they will see us trusting the Lord in good times and bad, and that living life with God -- not near Him, not around Him, not close to Him only in crisis -- is the very best choice.

   

8. Teaching them boundaries of children and marriage: Marriage matters, and as Traci and I try to navigate the challenges of life in today’s hectic family schedules, we work hard to let our kids know that our marriage is a top priority. We take date nights every week, we enjoy kidless get-a-ways several times a year and have “no-talking-to-mom-and-dad” moments in our house, when we sit and enjoy conversation at the table. Our children are the greatest thrill to us, but our marriage relationship is still a top priority. Our kids are seeing that children don’t drive the family, marriage does.
9. Giving them a model of God’s love for us: In Ephesians 5, Paul explains one of the key purposes of marriage: it is a picture that is meant to represent the love God has for us through His Son, Jesus, and the love we are to show Him. “Husbands love your wives,” writes Paul, “as Christ loves the church.” “Wives submit to your husbands...as to the Lord...” A strong marriage, as imperfect as we are as humans, is meant to be home base for our kids in their relationship with God. I hope AJ, BJ and CJ can look to Traci, in all of her struggles and challenges, and because of how she lives in our marriage, know that they have a God who loves them perfectly and understand how they should respond to His love. Likewise, I hope they see in me what their Heavenly Father’s love is like -- despite my mistakes, sins and failures -- because of how I love my wife. That’s God’s plan for marriage!
10. Giving them a good time around parents who love each other and their children: Our kids are learning that marriage is a joy, and that it’s fun to be together, living as a couple and moving towards the same goals and dreams together. Yes, marriage is hard work, but there is a deeper joy experienced by two imperfect people when they commit themselves to each other in following God’s design for marriage and family. We laugh a lot in our marriage -- and in our family! -- and our children see the way Traci and I love being together.

There are many more I could add to this list. When I think about my parents and the example they set for me and my siblings, I know this list isn’t all-inclusive. I also know that I certainly don’t live these out perfectly, but that’s part of the learning for my kids, too -- they are watching two imperfect people trust God with their lives while devoting themselves to each other. They are watching a mom and dad make mistakes, grow, then change while still moving forward, together, one day at a time.

Frankly, that’s the beauty of reflecting on this for me and I hope for you, too. Mistakes are part of the learning process for everyone, and if you’ve made mistakes in your marriage -- or maybe you’re making a big one right now -- you can get back on track and show your children the right path, today. Kids will have to make their own decisions about marriage and relationships, but I promise you that Your marriage is the first place they’ll look to as a model of what’s possible and what’s worth pursuing. Working hard on your marriage is worth it for you, your spouse and for the marriages your children will have in the future.

What would you add to this list that your kids are learning from your marriage?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life -- especially your marriage! -- is always better on the water!

#marriagematters

Wedding Day

Sometimes I wonder what was running through Traci’s mind when she was standing at the altar with me on December 28, 1996. I’m not sure we’ve ever really talked about her thoughts on that day, but I’ve wondered if she ever had that moment of panic while she stood there, looking at me, hearing our pastor describe an almost impossible task: “to have and to hold...to love and cherish...in sickness and in health...til’ death do you part...”

I know what I was thinking: “I’m so close! As long as she says, “I Do”, I’ve won the lottery. Please Traci...don’t think too hard about those requirements, don’t think about what those words actually mean, just say “I Do” and make me the happiest man on the planet!”

She did.

I was.

It really was a great day. We still run into people and talk to friends who remember facets of our wedding from 17 years ago. Most of all they remember the tiered wedding cake, opposite the reception hall from the tiered pizza tower. (Hey, we were going into youth ministry and there just seemed to be something right about having pizza at our wedding!) They remember the snow fall that started happening as we left the reception and got into the limo for our trip to the Oregon coast. They remember my dad with his driver’s cap on, pretending to be the limo driver! People remember the packed house, Traci’s beautiful dress and the happy end of a dating relationship for two high school sweet hearts. It was a glorious day.

Naturally, I have many fond memories of our wedding day. 17 years later, I also have some new perspective on the day we exchanged vows and entered into a new covenant with each other, before God and many witnesses. When I said, “I do,” I had no concept of the power of those words, and how they would forever change the direction of my life. Suddenly I was on a wild journey with another human being, one who would share in each aspect of my adventure, as I would share in hers.

With the words, “I do,” love took on a whole new meaning.That day, as we stood hand in

hand and repeated those powerful words of commitment, we declared that feelings and emotions weren’t enough to keep our relationship going. That’s really the essence of a marriage covenant. It’s a promise to make the marriage the most important human relationship you have. It’s a commitment to keep growing personally and spiritually, and to bring that growth to the table. It’s a choice to love that other person after a good scrum, when they’ve changed in appearance, when the emotions are running high or when they’re not running at all. “I do” means that, with all that’s in you, and with God’s help, you are going to love another person in a way that best pictures God’s love for you.

In Ephesians 5, Paul describes the purpose of the marriage covenant. And as he delves into the roles of husband and wife to each other, he does something amazingly profound and powerful -- he relates both back to Christ’s love for us! Even as he defines the fundamental purpose of sexual intimacy (oneness with another person), he relates it back to God’s desire for us to be connected to Him; for us to be one with Him and His purpose for our lives (not unlike Jesus’ prayer for us in John 17).

Marriage isn’t ultimately about our love for our spouse, marriage is ultimately about our love for God, pictured through our relationship to each other. When I follow God’s commands and love my wife as I love my own self, I’m becoming the man God wants me to be, and helping Traci grow into the woman God created her to be. When Traci loves me sacrificially and willingly, she is obeying God’s commands for marriage and thus bearing the fruit that validates her relationships with God (John 15); and that pushes me toward a deeper relationship with God, too. As Gary Thomas has rightly stated, “Marriage is for your holiness, not your happiness.” Get the holiness part right, and the happiness part will follow.

When we were dating, our commitment wavered based on any given day. I know I flirted with other girls, I know on several occasions I seriously contemplated exploring other relationship possibilities, and I went on a few dates with girls not named Traci. But the day I said “I do,” changed everything. I no longer had freedom to flirt or consider other options. “I do” meant that I was taking myself off the market (not that it was that hot of a market to begin with!) and I was done shopping. “I do” meant that I was in it for the long haul, and by God’s grace, I would pursue Traci, and Traci alone, for as long as we both live.

There’s such a huge difference between dating someone you like and marrying someone you love. When you love some one enough to marry them, you commit to being with them for the long haul.

In my blog, 17 reasons why we have a great marriage, I wrote about several of these commitments required for a great marriage:

1. Commit to keeping God the most important person in your marriage. Nothing will improve your marriage faster than making sure God, not your spouse, is number one in your life.
2. Take divorce off the table. Once divorce is off the table, the next solution is to find a solution.
3. Commit to give the grace you want to receive.
4. When you hit hard times, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are so many people who have already walked where you’ve walked, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask them for help!

Traci and I have made each of these (and 13 others) a reality in our marriage; not perfectly, but in progress.

How committed are you to your wedding vows? Are you holding your spouse to a standard you don’t keep? Are you looking across the table and blaming them for their part of the struggles, but not owning your own? The Overboard Life has to spill over into our relationships, and especially into our marriages. The only way that can happen is if we remember that love is a commitment we make to others, one that isn’t primarily based on feelings or emotions. But a funny thing happens when you choose to love others the way God loves us...the feelings and emotions soon catch up!

26 down, 14 to go.

Go ahead and take the plunge, your marriage will be better on the water!

17 reasons our marriage works

Today, my wife and I celebrate 17 years of being married. As with any marriage, there have been a few rough days -- but I’m blessed to say far more good and great days have marked our 6,208 days of marriage. So how do you make more good days than bad in a marriage? As I’ve thought about it, there are many reasons, and no easy formula. Obviously, if marriage was easy, 50% of them wouldn’t be ending in heart-breaking divorce. But like all our relationships, there are choices we make along the way that direct the outcome of our marriages. Choices to serve when  you don’t “feel like it”. Choices to love someone who is unlovely. Choices to grow through our own past garbage, and choices to surrender our selfish desires in order to honor and love someone else.

So as I’ve reflected on my amazing wife and how we’ve thrived (not just survived!) in marriage the past 17 years, here are 17 reasons that our marriage has been great. I hope this will encourage you in your marriage, too (in no particular order!):

1. Keep growing yourself: It’s so much more fun to point out your spouse’s faults than it is to identify yours and do something about them. Traci and I both strive to focus on each others’ strengths (not flaws!) while doing what it takes to grow in our own areas of needed growth. That’s why we’ve attended seminars together and separately, why we’ve attended counseling, worked with life coaches, read certain kinds of books etc… When we each grow personally, our marriage gets better.
2. Create great memories: Traci and I work hard to create great memories for our marriage (and for our kids!). We have to think through different ways to experience this amazing world. Sometimes that means saving a few bucks here and there, sometimes it means not spending a dime -- either way, you can create great memories with just a little thought.
3. Make God the most important person in your life: As a pastor I did a lot of marriage and pre-marriage counseling. In every instance I would remind couples of the same truth: The most important person in your life isn’t your spouse (or future spouse). The best marriages aren’t with the people who love each other the most, but instead, the best marriages belong to the couples who love God first, and then each other. When God is our number one, it’s possible to love others the way He loves us. When we try to love our spouse more than we love God, both our marriage and our Overboard Life gets out of whack. Keep God number one, and your marriage will be better! Jesus Himself said the most important law was to Love God with everything you’ve got…and the second most important law was to love others the same way. God first. Then others -- even your spouse.
4. Laugh frequently: My wife and I experience a lot of laughter. We love to watch funny movies, funny plays and try hard to seek joy in the life that’s happening all around us! We give our kids freedom to be funny, and more-often-than-not, we laugh at spilled milk rather than get angry when the glass tips over. I’m confident my wife would tell you that joy has been a core value in our marriage.
5. Give the grace you want to receive: All of us want grace given to us when we mess up, but most of us want “justice” when we’ve been wronged. I’ve counseled too many couples that were holding each other hostage with every word and every mistake in their marriage. God is an amazing grace-giver (see also: #3) and He expects us to do the same. Your marriage will be stronger when you offer your spouse the same grace you want them to offer you. Keep your list of wrongs short. Think of grace like many people do voting: give it early, give it often.
6. Take chances together: Traci and I have rolled the dice a few times, but we have chosen to take those risks together. A few have turned out well (her Usana business, my publishing company), a few not-so-much (I know The 10-Day Journey can still work!!!). In her awesome blog, my wife loves to say that she hopes her life is a like a roller coaster. It has ups and downs, but when it’s all done, you’re laughing with your hands in the air, your hair is wind-blown and wild, and you can’t wait to do it again. Taking (reasonable) chances together has created some of the best memories (see also #2) we’ve made together.
7. Share in your spouses dreams: Like taking chances, sharing in your spouse’s dreams is a huge way to draw closer together. It’s not that we always have the same dreams and goals together, it’s just that we are participating in one another’s passions. My wife will tell you her Usana business wouldn’t be where it is without me, but I don’t do many presentations with her, I don’t help recruit passionate entrepreneurs who want to change their income and their health and I don’t make her weekly business calls with her. I do listen when she talks. I help brainstorm. I watch kids while she’s gone. I encourage her to attend seminars and conferences even when that means I play Mr. Mom for a week. I help her with social media and tech. As she dreams about the future of her business, I’m her biggest fan! And believe me, the same is true for me and my dreams when it comes to her -- she is my biggest fan!
8. Date EVERY week: Some of you who have heard us talk on this topic knew this one was coming! I am convinced that over the past 7 or 8 years, dating has become one of the most important parts of our marriage success. We date every week. When the kids were younger, often any extra money we had went to a baby sitter, so our date was walking around the mall with the elderly people who were out getting exercise. We had some great dates like that. Other times it has been a movie or dinner or hiking or bowling or working out or watching a play or learning a new game or watching a sunset or driving to a light house or…. be creative, and be committed. Date your spouse every single week!
9. Get-a-way alone several times a year: Once a quarter, Traci and I take off for at least one night away and ditch the kids. When we lived near family, sometimes we’d have family take the kids for a night and we’d just stay home. Either way, we made it work so that we had a night without the kids. For the past 7 years, we’ve actually taken 1 week away without the kids, too. When I suggest that to many couples, they roll their eyes and say, “that’s impossible” or “our lives our too busy” or “our kids would never make it…” blah blah blah. We thought the same things when we first decided to make this an annual part of our marriage maintenance. We found out three crucial truths that proved us wrong:
   • Our kids actually enjoyed the week away, and looked forward to spending time with friends and cousins.
   • Our lives were too busy to not get away. The busyness of life makes our week away even more important!
   • It was hard work on both ends of the trip, but not only is it possible, it has become the highlight of each year
10. Surprise your spouse regularly: Everyone loves surprises -- including your spouse. Surprise him with a romantic night at home. Surprise her with flowers. Shock him with tickets to the game. Watch her light up when you hand her a 4-hour spa get-a-way. Break up the routine with a surprise that’s sure to make their day.
11. Let your pastor speak into your life: If you’re following through with #3, then this one will be much easier. Make sure your pastor has insights into your marriage and that you trust him for advice. It’s not that pastors are perfect, but often the insight he can give can stop a small irritation from becoming a marriage ending problem! Over 17 years of pastoral ministry has allowed me to see that some of the strongest marriages I saw were owned by people who listened to their pastors, and came to them for advice. Hebrews 13 offers strong words about protecting your marriage and listening to your pastors…not too surprising that both of these are in the same chapter.
12. Write mushy letters, notes, emails and texts: Maybe you’re not a “writer” or you don’t like that “mushy” stuff. Whatever. Your letters aren’t being published, it’s an expression of your love for your spouse. And believe me, everyone loves to loved on. Be mushy. Say cheesy stuff. Share your heart. Send that suggestive pic in a text. Make your spouse blush in a board meeting when they glance at their phone. Create desire. Make her smile. Build him up. Use your words to convey your love and do this frequently!
13. Take divorce off the table, now: After Traci and I had watched a couple of our friends choose to end their marriage in divorce, we made a commitment to take divorce off the table. It’s not an option for us. We have pledged to each other, and to our kids, that no matter what, we are going to make this marriage work. That means when problems arise, our solution is to find a solution, because dissolution of our marriage vows is not one of the options.
14. Share adventures: Kind of like #6, adventures are opportunities to create memories (see #2) with your spouse. Tackle a challenge together (run a race, climb a mountain, swim across the Pacific Ocean…ok, that might be a little tough) so that you have to encourage and strengthen one another along the way. Lose weight together, work out side by side, start a business, start a ministry -- share in some mutual adventures and enjoy the richness of shared experiences.
15. Develop healthy “other interests”: We all have other interests that our spouses don’t share. Make sure you other interests don’t pull you away from your spouse. I enjoy golf, playing basketball, watching baseball, reading and playing board games. My wife likes crocheting, reading, working out and shopping. When we each enjoy those other interests with healthy boundaries and in moderation, we don’t drive any wedges into our marriage or create time tensions that can be the source of arguments, fights and bitterness. When our other interests are disproportionately too big, our marriage suffers.
16. Sacrifice self: You can’t really love some one fully, until you’re willing to surrender your own interests, first. In Philippians 2, the Bible describes Jesus’ love for us by pointing out that He was willing to put His own desires and interests second, to the Father’s. Then Paul urges us to live the same way and when you and I live like that in our marriages, a deeper love will flow than we knew was possible!
17. Don’t be afraid/ashamed to ask for help: On more than occasion we’ve asked others for help in our marriage. We’ve gone to our pastor, a doctor, a life coach, trusted (godly!) friends and even our parents. We’ve participated in counseling, paid for marriage seminars and attended couples’ retreats. Marriage isn’t easy, and when you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help!

I’m so blessed with an awesome wife, and an amazing 17 year journey we’ve been on together. Not a perfect journey, but one I wouldn’t give up for anything. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can’t wait to see what God will do with us, and through us, as we seek to keep our marriage Overboard for Him!

Go ahead and take the plunge -- your marriage will be better on the water!

16 Years and Counting!

Today I am celebrating my 16th wedding anniversary. In some ways, 16 seems like a really big number…in some ways, not so much. However you feel about anniversaries, weddings and marriages, the reality is that we are all involved in relationships. And great relationships take work. The Overboard Life cannot be lived alone. If you are going to follow Jesus out on the water where He is building His Kingdom, you will need other people in your life. For me, Traci has been the most significant relationship I’ve had in pursuing Jesus. She has believed in me, invested in me, pushed me, prayed for me and endured me all along the way. Eight years of roller-coaster dating followed by 16 years of marriage has made for a wild ride -- but she has shared every part of the journey.

I want to share with you some values I’ve learned from my wife during our 16 years. We work hard at being married, and while we both bring glaring flaws to the marriage table, we’ve committed ourselves to the choice of standing by each other. These values work in all relationships, but especially in marriage, and my wife has been exemplary in living them out with me.

1. Take failure off the table. I know divorce is a touchy subject, but Traci and I started our marriage commitment by removing it as an option. I know we all change. I know we sometimes enter relationships without caution. I know we see things in people that sometimes don’t exist, and that people can flat-out lie about who they are or what they want. Relationships are risky. I’m not saying there is never a reason for divorcing someone or filing for separation, but when Traci and I said, “I do” to each other, we agreed to take divorce off the table. When you take failure away as an option, you are required to do whatever it takes to make things work. Traci and I have weathered some bad days with each other (more than I wish to admit!), but a commitment to stay together forces us to work hard, even on those bad days.
2. Make remarkable the new normal. Not only did we remove divorce from our marriage vocabularies, but we made the choice to not be content with just “making it.” I remember a few years back when we committed to one another that our marriage was going to be remarkable. Not perfect by any stretch, but remarkable. In other words, just staying together or living the status quo wasn’t going to be enough. Here are some of the tangible realities of that choice:
   • Date night every week. Kids can complicate marriage a lot, but we weren’t going to let that stop us from dating. It’s been tough and sometimes expensive, but date night has been worth the sacrifice. Our weekly date is a major part of our marriage commitment to live together remarkably, and not just in survival mode. We also take off for one week a year without the kids. It takes a month of planning to pull it off, but the week away is worthy of the effort. The kids actually enjoy being with friends and family, and we enjoy a kid-free week!
   • Marriage growth. We’ve both read books about marriage, we’ve attended seminars, and we’ve intentionally hung with people who have great marriages so that we can grow in our relationship with each other. Like any quality, skill or value you want to improve, marriage demands work. We’ve worked hard to be better spouses. I still have colossal screw ups. I still neglect her needs from time-to-time and I still occasionally forget important events. But I still keep working on being a better husband so that despite those things, the general curve of our marriage is up.
   • Personal growth. You will only be as strong of a spouse as you are a person. You cannot make your husband or wife do anything to grow, but you can choose to work on you, no matter what. There have been seasons when I was stuck in a rut and Traci continued to plow ahead. I was apathetic and listless, but she was passionate about growth. And you know what, her desire to grow became contagious and on several occasions, her own journey has inspired me to rise up and be a better husband and father. The more you grow personally, the better your marriage will be.
   • Dream together. Traci and I share big dreams for our lives, together. It’s not that all of our goals and dreams are mutual -- in fact, most of them are not. But Traci has often been more committed to my dreams than me! The result has been that when I was faltering or ready to give up, she kicked me in the pants until I got going again. I know Overboard Ministries would not exist without her. And likewise, I’ve invested in her dreams, too. Big dreams make for strong bonds.
3. Get help when problems arise. Relationships are hard. So when problems creep up, get help. Talk to trusted friends, visit your pastor and see a specialist when struggles come up. Too often, in the past 16 years as a pastor, I’ve gotten the call for help after both parties were already in divorce mode. If they had called when they were fighting over the bills, we might have been able to help. But by the time things escalated to sleeping in different rooms, intentionally working off-schedules so that you aren’t home with your spouse -- it’s almost too late (especially if you haven’t followed steps 1 and 2!). Traci and I have requested and received help on multiple occasions. Our pastors, our parents our friends…we’ll ask for help when we’re struggling.
4. Make God the center of your marriage, not your spouse. As much as I love Traci (more than anyone or anything I’ve ever loved!), my love for God is even bigger. I know Traci loves me more than any other relationship she has, but she loves God exponentially more. You see, I let my wife down all the time. I will fail her again in the future. But God has never once failed Traci and He never will. His love and plan for her is so much more than mine, she can trust Him fully in every circumstance -- even when her husband is being a giant doorknob! When I fail, God remains faithful. When I am mean, God remains loving and kind. When I drop the ball, God helps Traci catch it. When I don’t give her a reason to keep believing, He does. And when God (not love, not happiness, not staying together) is that the center of your marriage, you can endure anything.

I think Traci and I have a great marriage. It’s not perfect, but I can confidently say it’s better than it was 16 years ago, and by God’s grace, tomorrow it will be better than it is today. My wife is amazing and when people see us together they know I “married up”! But a great marriage didn’t just happen, and it won’t continue without hard work. Your marriage is worth the effort. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you strengthen yours.

Happy 16th Tra. Thanks for taking the plunge with me over and over again, during this journey. We’ve definitely seen that life is always better on the water, especially in marriage.