Thing I'm really bad at

Today’s culture almost makes it impossible for people to be labeled as “bad.” Whether it’s a particular skill, a subject at school or some kind of athletic competition, our culture tries to capture the good in everyone, by eliminating the bad. There are definitely some upsides to this.  

For example, I think kids growing up today are willing to try more things. My own children have had significantly varied experiences without the fear of being labeled as bad -- they’ll try to sing, enter a talent show, play a sport and so forth. In the same way, the “everyone is a winner” concept also creates confidence so that children who struggle in one area can be encouraged to grow since they are “good” at that particular event/activity/subject etc... Not being bad can be good.

But not being bad, can also be very bad. Telling everyone they’re good can eliminate the desire for excelling. In the Pixar movie about a family of superheroes who are trying to live normal lives, The Incredibles, Mrs. Incredible tries to encourage her son Dash (who is frustrated because he can’t enter school races because of his super human speed) by saying, “Dash, everyone is special.” Dash turns away and mutters under his breath, “In other words, no one is special.” He understood that when everyone is labeled good at the same thing, than no one can really rise to the top. The motivation for excelling is taken away.

There also seems to be a lack of overall personal growth when I’m already good at something. For example, if I’m being told I’m really good at math and, with little effort I’m getting a C-, why would I work any harder to improve my grade? Barring just a natural desire to do better, receiving praise and awards for a C- may be sufficient for my psyche. I’ve seen this response to praise from many more students over the past 14 years, than I’ve seen students try to up their game because of being good.

At the end of the day, I believe being bad at some things is probably one of the best realities we can face. It’s good to know, and to think about the things at which we aren’t very capable. The problem is, most of us don’t like to see our flaws, or at least when we do, we certainly don’t like dwelling on them for very long.

I am confident the Overboard Life requires constant, and honest evaluation of our own lives. And here are three benefits to honestly evaluating our abilities:

1. Humility is crucial for our spiritual, mental and emotional growth. We live in a world where egos abound, but the source of GODliness rests in “God” not in us! If you want to live an Overboard Life that reflects God more than you, you’ll have to embrace a healthy dose of humility to keep the right perspective. Both Peter and James reminds us, that “God opposes the proud, but He gives grace to the humble.” Humility is the starting point for personal growth.
2. Health comes from understanding the whole picture. When you think about your physical body, you are most healthy when you are addressing issues in every part of your body. You can’t just exercise and eat garbage. But eating well without exercise is also a no-win prospect. Total health comes from observing good nutritional habits, proper supplementation, regular exercise and healthy amounts of sleep and rest. In the same way, understanding your total person, strengths and weaknesses, leads to a healthier you. When you know what you can or can’t do well, you’ll be better able to tackle projects and work with others. I also find I beat myself up less when I’m honest about struggles. If I know I can’t cook, I don’t beat myself up when I’m in the kitchen and things don’t quite turn out right.
3. Help will come when you know where you need help! By honestly assessing my personal areas of weakness, I can seek the help I need for growth. Back to the body for a second. When I announced I was going to run a half marathon with my wife in October, I reached out to my running friends and asked for help. I didn’t know how to train, how much to run or not run, how often to rest and so on. My running friends (a psychotic group if ever I’ve met one!) have helped me beef up my running regimen so that I will be ready in October. If you are able to identify some character flaws or areas where you struggle to succeed, finding help is a whole easier when you know what you need help with!

By recognizing these three benefits to personal evaluation, I eliminate the need to beat myself up for my mistakes or shortcomings. Being humbled is a good thing. Improving my overall health is a good thing. Finding help is a good thing, and all of these will ultimately help me live life outside the boat more effectively.

A few months back Traci and I visited Southern California for a personal growth seminar called “Ultimate Leadership.” It’s put on by Henry Cloud and John Townsend and is a great experience for honest, deep and deeply personal self-evaluation. Before we went out to the 5-day event, we were given a large questionnaire to fill out and one of the questions dealt with our flaws and weaknesses. Here is how I answered their questions about being self-aware regarding my flaws:

“I’m pretty self-aware when it comes to my flaws. I try to surround myself with others who can fil in the gaps. Biggest flaws that affect my leadership style:

*Crappy with details

* Enjoy pressure...so I wait to the last minute

* Overly optimistic

* Lousy with time boundaries

* Not confrontational enough

The list could certainly be longer, but those were the first five to pop into my head. I have to work really hard to keep details organized in my life. I can manage them, but it takes a lot of effort and often requires help from my wife. I excel under pressure, but sometimes I put everyone under the same burden of pressure simply because I put things off for too long. Optimism is a good thing, but it’s possible to be overly optimistic. I would have been one of those guys playing music on the deck of the Titanic believing that everything was going to work out ok! It’s easy for me to stop everything I’m doing to help a friend or just to enjoy hanging out and swapping stories. But staying up until 1am, while getting up at 5:55am every day, can radically effect my productivity the next day. I can give too much time to some things/people, and not enough to others that are more deserving of my time -- I can be really bad with time boundaries. And my wife pointed out that I’m often not confrontational enough when it comes to certain relationships. Sometimes it’s far easier for me to just get it done myself, than to confront someone on their own mistakes (almost like not embracing the truth of this blog post for others!) or to hold someone’s feet to the fire when they have made a mistake.

So there, there’s a partial list of things I’m bad at. I’m ok with my flaws and if you really need to know more of them, feel free to ask! What about you? Are you ok with being bad at some stuff? Are you comfortable with your short-comings and weaknesses? Embrace those areas of your life where you struggle, as much as you embrace those areas of your life where you don’t. Humility, healthy and help await those who can evaluate themselves honestly and it will require all three to walk on water!

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

I want to be like Richard

It was usually on Thursday, occasionally on Wednesday, but almost every week for close to two years, I met with Richard to talk about life. For the first year we were working on my ordination papers, but in the second year it was because I realized how much I desperately needed his input in my life.  

I loved showing up and his and Mariertta’s house. There was almost always a glass of juice waiting for me, and undoubtedly, a plate of freshly baked goodness would be on the coffee table. I have no idea how Richard always remained so thin living in that house; I gained weight just showing up once a week!

My time’s with Richard (and Marietta!) were so rewarding to me, and Richard claimed he got something out of them, too. If he wasn’t such a man of integrity, I’d think he was lying, but that was on of the things about Richard -- he was ever a learner, as much as a teacher. I enjoyed my time with him each week and have such fond memories of him. Memories of his powerful prayers for me and my family. Memories of Richard’s great wisdom in board meetings. Memories of Richard praying for me, and praying a moving blessing over my life, just three days before he passed away. And I remember seeing Marietta next to him the day he passed away as his breathless body lay in the hospital bed, but knowing that his spirit was alive in heaven.

This August, it will be five years since Richard graduated to glory, and five years since I lost a dear friend and mentor. Richard is one of the men I want to live my life like (a list that includes my own father and a short list of other close friends). I think we all need a model who shows us what the Overboard Life is like, and Richard was that for me. Here are five ways I want my life to be like Richard’s.

1. Richard was the most humble man I knew. I’ve never known anyone as humble as Richard. Few men had the Bible knowledge he did, yet he never used it to make you feel stupid or silly. He would take notes whenever you spoke, he would shake his head and smile while saying, “I’ve never thought of it like that...” or he’d gently correct you without making you feel like an idiot. He knew so much, shared it so graciously and was ever a learner.
2. Richard had no social boundaries. There wasn’t a soul on planet earth who wouldn’t get genuine friendship from Richard. One of my favorite pictures of him comes from our time at Bethany in Salem. It shows Richard, ever the conservative, dressed in his coat and tie with his precisely combed hair, praying with a tall, hairy, disheveled biker in a leather biker vest, hat and ratty jeans. Richard didn’t see external differences like everyone else did. More people ended up staying at Bethany because Richard took them out to lunch, met with them after church, called on their house, prayed for them at the hospital, than maybe any other reason.
3. Richard prayed with passion. When Richard prayed, I felt ushered into the thrown room of God. He prayed with faith. He prayed believing that God was powerful and able to answer any request. And He prayed for people every day, praying through the church directory regularly and always remembering requests. He often would start our meetings by asking me, “How did that [insert request here] work out last week?” I’d scratch my head and try to remember what he was talking about? I had given him the request and I had forgotten about it already. Not Richard, he kept praying.
4. Richard was a maker, not a peace keeper. Some people (you seconds borns better pay attention here!) love to try and keep the peace. They don’t like tension or arguing or people mad at each other, so they try to keep the peace by constantly making sacrifices, by selling out their own convictions in order to try and appease someone else. Richard was a peace maker. His goal wasn’t to keep the peace, he wanted to help create it. Richard sought to solve problems according to Matthew 18. Richard wanted to follow the great Scripture teaching: “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with all men.” He didn’t like to fight, but he wasn’t afraid to if that’s what was needed for peace. He didn’t like being at odds with others, but he would if peace was at stake. I’ve never known anyone who worked so passionately for peace and unity.
5. Richard was able to change. I think Richard was in his mid-to-late 80s when he went home with Jesus. Some people at his age, can become a thorn in the flesh of a younger pastor, who is trying to lead a church or elder board toward change. (Don’t get me wrong, not all change is good, and sometimes it’s them youngins’ that cause all the problems!) I know for a fact Richard didn’t like all the changes that came to our church, and he sometimes shared his opinions confirming that. But he fought for peace and was willing to see change happen so that others could be reached with the Gospel. Richard accepted a different style of music and he embraced, and even became a proponent, of a new kind of preaching style our pastor introduced. He led the church in a leadership structure change and when some of his generation spoke up agains the change, Richard would confront them and challenge them to follow suit. Richard was able to change.

I hope my next 40 years look similar to how Richard lived in this phase of his life. I long to be humble, to reach across any social barriers, to pray with passion and faith, to seek peace while being able to embrace an every changing culture with the never-changing message of Jesus Christ.

Do you have people that you are modeling your life after? Can you look around and see others who have qualities that you would like? People who are living Overboard that can help show you the way? If not, I want to encourage you to find friends who are. Visit your church (find a church!), search online or just ask someone you know is already out of the boat! You need someone to help you grow, and I hope someone else could get help from you.

Richard made me a better father, pastor, preacher, husband and friend. I’m indebted to him. And knowing what I know about him, he would want me to do the same for someone else. Thank you Richard for leaving a legacy with so many, including me.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

The Lone Ranger...and other myths.

I wonder if God will show us what our life could have been, if we had just been willing to ask. I’m working on another trip through the 100 Day Challenge with Gary Ryan Blair. Today’s lesson was on asking for help, so I looked back at last year’s 100 Day Challenge and here are things I wrote about asking for help:

-----

I wonder how often you and I miss out on something great for our lives, simply because we were too afraid to ask. Seriously, how often is something we desire just barely outside our grasp, yet easily reachable by someone else, but we never ask for help?

It seems like our western culture has tainted some of our thinking in this matter. We pride ourselves in being independent, people who don’t need help. The old western Cowboy movie captures that so well...town goes to pot, bad guys with handkerchiefs over their mouths running around shooting bullets into the sky while chasing women and drinking whiskey. The sheriff gets run out of town, usually humiliated by the head villian, and all hope is lost for the pretty damsel who has to stay behind and help her aging parents. Suddenly, a “stranger” shows up in town and he doesn’t like what he sees. So single-handedly he out-smarts all the handkerchief wearing bad guys except for the boss. Finally it’s down to the two of them, and they settle their dispute the way every argument in the Old West was settled; they stand on main street and have a duel. The good guy shoots his enemy’s gun from his hand and chases him out of town. Town saved. Hero born. Girl kissed.

While it might make for a good flick (or maybe not!), it sure doesn’t make for reality. We need each other, and we need to be willing to ask for help and be willing to give help when it’s asked from us. Here are three guidelines about asking for help:

1. Ask nicely -- nobody likes someone who acts entitled or demanding when needing help.
2. Ask with clarity -- know what you’re asking for.
3. Ask the right people -- just asking for help may not get you the right help, from the right people.

If you’re working on a project or putting together plans for something in the future, who do you need to ask to join you? What do you need to ask help for? Who has asked you for help that you could assist? Over the years I’ve been thankful for so many people who have helped, and actually have asked me to ask for help! I’ve also been thankful to be able to help others who have asked for my help.

Seems like one of the best parts of belonging to the Body of Christ is the reciprocal relationships, the give and take where we love, accept and help each other because we belong to the same Father. I can’t be a lone ranger, and neither can you. Let’s get out of the comfort of our boat and ask others for help.

-----

Do you need to ask someone for help? Is someone asking for your help? Let’s help each other live remarkably!

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is better on the water!

Friday Morning Fights

I just read an interesting study about self-destructive behavior. One of the items that caught my attention was this statement: “Humans have more self-destructive behaviors than any other creature.” It’s not that animals don’t have some behaviors that ultimately do more damage than good, to themselves, it’s just that they aren’t aware of the damage being done. A dog may not realize the long-term impact of chewing on his rear-end because of a battle with fleas, so even though it’s considered “self-destructive” (the dog is doing the damage to himself), it’s explainable.  

Humans, however, unlike animals, have a capacity to grasp the severity (or potential severity) of a behavior, yet continue to self-destruct. We’ve seen the long-term impact of drug use and abuse on others, yet hundreds of thousands of people hit the streets every day looking for another fix. They choose to destroy themselves, knowing that they are destroying themselves, unlike the dog who doesn’t know the negative impact of his actions.

Here is a top-list ten from the online article (not necessarily listed in any order):

1. Lying
2. Craving violence
3. Stealing
4. Cheating
5. Clinging to bad habits
6. Bullying
7. Body abuse (nip, tuck, tattoos, piercings etc...)
8. Stressing out
9. Gambling
10. Gossip

If you’re going to live the Overboard Life, you’ve got to call sin, “sin” -- not just “destructive behavior.” When we look at that top-10 list we see a huge list of sins. What jumps off this list to me is how subtle some of these sins are. Gossip is one of those behaviors we tend to accept because it’s has become a part of all of our conversations. Lying is ok as long as we only tell, “little white lies” and it’s only cheating if you get caught, right?

The article wasn’t written from a biblical stand point, so the author isn’t trying to bring a spiritual tone to the issue. However, he still points out that there is a scientific connection between self-destructive behavior and happiness. Those who make the top-10 bad-behaviors (sins!) habits, are less happy people.

This shouldn’t be a surprise to those wishing to please God by living the Overboard Life. It is impossible to please God while willfully choosing to live in sin. My daughter gave me a perfect example of my own shortcomings a few weeks ago. We had one of those mornings in getting ready for school for one day. My middle child was experiencing frustration with everything I said that morning. Then when I reminded it her to empty the dishwasher (her chore for the week), she told me “No!” When I asked her to pick up her room, she said, “No!” We battled, she experienced some consequences to her behavior and when we left, she was mad, I was made, and there wasn’t a whole lot of conversation between us on the way to school.

But it was Friday, and on Fridays, Traci and I volunteer in the kids’ classrooms to grade all the homework from the week. My first stop is BJ’s classroom, so I popped in to grab the big homework pile and jump into my work. What happened? As soon as I walked into class, BJ jumps up, runs to the door, says, “Daaaaaaaaaddddeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!” and proceeds to give me a big hug and several kisses. It was like the last 75 minutes hadn’t happened.

When I left, she gave me two more kisses and another hug, and was suddenly as sweet as sunshine. I was actually ticked, and when she came home that day, we had a little chit-chat about what happened. I was trying to be genuinely thankful for her display of affection at school, but that’s hard to do when we had the tough morning we had. You see, in regards to her relationship to me, she had been living in disobedience all morning , then suddenly she wants to cover me with hugs and kisses at school. We had yet to resolve the issues pertaining to her morning actions, so her affection seems shallow and empty. And it was.

But how often do we do the same thing with God? We stay up late Saturday night, maybe watching something full of moral filth, or hanging out with friends in a context that is less-than-pleasing to God, or like me and Traci before we were married, spending time with a boyfriend or girlfriend in a way that dishonors God’s plans for relationships -- but then go to church on Sunday and want to worship God! We sing the right words, we greet the right people, we listen to the sermon and we even talk about it on the way home from church. But the problem is  -- we haven’t taken care of the behavior(s) before Sunday to make Sunday a true worship experience.

When you and I intentionally choose a path of sin, living out the the top-10, self-destructive habits (or creating our own top-10!) we have no business going back to God to engage in conversation or worship, or to claim we are living the Overboard life. We must regularly clean the slate with God before we try to worship Him in our living. And it’s not that God demands perfection, but when we are aware of our sin, we must confess it to Him and receive His forgiveness. This will make our worship, worthwhile.

I love my kids, and am so thankful for the days I see a behavior in them that is a reflection of my own relationship to God. Often it’s a humbling, but necessary, part of my own growth as I keep trying to grab the sides of the boat, to leave the comfort of the boat, and live out on the water where Jesus is building His Kingdom.

Go ahead and take the plunge -- life is better on the water!