Learning to be Uncomfortable.

A few days back I had this kind of funny thought: “God sure doesn’t want me being too comfortable these days!” With my recent job loss and uncertain housing and work future (although I have some exciting news to share with you on my next blog post...stay tuned!), the desire to be comfortable has certainly been low on the totem pole. I’d take “employed” and “housed” long before I’d take comfortable! In and of itself, comfortable isn’t a bad thing. There are people who believe that true followers of God must be miserably uncomfortable in order to show their esteem for God. Nothing in Scripture would suggest that this is true. However, comfort can become an excuse to not do what God has asked you to do. Neither of these extremes works for someone trying to live the Overboard Life.

While pondering these thoughts, I came across this awesome video by an American made garment company making waves in the fashion industry by selling their self-proclaimed “world’s best” zip-up hoodie for $90. A recent write up on a popular web site shot their product sales thru the roof, and for a short time, sales for a hoodie -- yes, a hoodie -- were back ordered for 5 months! American Giant went to work to increase productivity, find new suppliers and improve their warehouse and shipping efficiency. American Giant understands the dangers of being comfortable. Check out their ad:

http://youtu.be/iGWwAMfTCKk

This season of discomfort has been good for me. It has reminded me of the things that are important and helped me to reinvest in the habits and patterns that I need in order to achieve what the Lord has put on my heart. Early mornings and late nights are generally not the hours that the comfort-lovers participate in. I’ve been reminded at how important the extra moments of each day are, choosing to spend those spare minutes investing intentionally in relationships, building business partnerships and engaging my wife and kids more often. Discomfort has improved my time management.

Discomfort has also re-fueled my passions. I want to be a person that is driven primarily by values and beliefs, not organizational bureaucracy or  paycheck-driven work. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of working because you get paid, or to belong to something that isn’t value driven but is comfortable or easy. Discomfort has returned a fire in my belly to live/work/play/worship/serve/love/give/dream according to the God-given values that make life worth living: self-sacrifice, contentment, faith, love, belief, forgiveness, trust, generosity etc...

I have also been the recipient of a healthy dose of perspective during this time of upheaval. While trying to navigate what's next for our family, I've been far more aware of the plight of others. My friend Caleb is ministering in the Ukraine, and is experiencing, first hand, the ravages of war (his blog is outstanding, and would be worth your time). All around the world, Christians are being publicly persecuted, beaten and murdered as punishment for their faith. Being jobless and homeless is a big deal, but it has been good for me to keep our journey in perspective.

Finally, this period of discomfort has fired up my desire to create and dream. I think I just came out of a season where I felt creativity was stifled, and where constant turn over created an environment of fear and uncertainty. Fear kills dreams, and stifling creativity forges an environment where creating something new is almost impossible. The level of discomfort God has allowed us to experience has fired up the ol’ dream machine again, and now, more than ever, I’m eager to engage in the creative process of building something new (you really need to read Monday’s blog post!).

I can’t say I’ve become a fan of being uncomfortable, but in a strange way, I’m starting to enjoy the feeling. After all, the Bible reminds us that, ultimately, I'm a sojourner in this world. Still, I’m praying that God will allow us to find a life-rhythm that will allow us to have a place to live, a clear direction for service (part of that prayer is already taking shape...check back on Monday!) and a comfortable level of discomfort (commonly referred to as “Disuncomfort”*) where time is managed well, passions are fueled, perspective is kept and dreams inspire creative growth.

At the end of 1 Peter, the apostle reminds us, “...and after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” Those are great words of encouragement for the imprisoned, the persecuted and for those who’ve had life turned upside-down on them.

Go ahead and take the plunge -- it might be a little uncomfortable, but -- life is always better on the water!

*Dis.un.comfort.able: “Dis” is from the popular early 90s phrase [as in, “I’m going to dis you for treating me like that’] and “un” implying the opposite of whatever is next [as in, “un-cool” or “un-sure”], combine with “comfortable” which means “affording or enjoying contentment and security.” Therefore, disuncomfortable is a proper double negative implying the speaker is dissing not being comfortable. Disuncomfortable is a state-of-mind, and generally only used by those experiencing being uncomfortable but are choosing to enjoy their present circumstances, regardless.

50 Shades of Grey...and 37 uses of the word "Sex"

[warning: This blog post contains a frank discussions about sex, and is really intended for married couples and adults] I don’t know if you’ve heard the news or not, but apparently there’s some movie coming out this weekend that involves gratuitous sex, sensualized erotic violence and a fair share of graphic nudity. Apparently it’s a movie that is from a wildly popular book containing the same content (without pictures) and apparently a record number of movie goers are expected to attend the weekend premier. Apparently sex still sells, thus I'm hoping 37 uses of the word (or its variants) in my blog will keep you reading to the end.

There’s a lot of hype about this film of which I only know details from blogs I’ve read, and articles I’ve seen on my Facebook feed. I haven’t read the book(s), and I haven’t seen any particulars about actual content apart from the summaries mentioned above. I have been surprised by some of the people who are vocally boycotting this film, and equally by those who are eagerly planning to attend. (Almost ironically, I’m sitting in a coffee shop writing this blog post, and an add for 50 Shades of Grey just played on the radio.)

Whenever something like this grabs the attention of our culture, I’m always surprised by the responses of people on either side. Supporters of this particular film refer to it as a “redemptive love story” (from one blogger), and the graphic sexual depictions as “just sex” not much worse than you can watch on your television at home. Opponents call it “pornography” and an “appalling display of violence against young women.”

I don’t know why these reactions keep surprising me, they shouldn’t. And truthfully, they shouldn’t surprise you, either. We live in a world, and especially a culture, that loves to glamorize and sensationalize sex. This weekend’s movie sounds offensive on a lot of levels, but it’s really not much worse than so many other weekend offerings. Apparently, 50 Shades of Grey pushes the envelope significantly, but that’s what we should expect from a movie culture that thrives on hype, shock and pre-release buzz in order to sell tickets.

A few weeks back I was watching a movie with a friend, and all seven previews shown before our movie, included some sensualized image to draw in movie goers and sell tickets. Scantily clad women dancing at a party being crashed by secret agents, a gorgeous model wearing “Shorts” (I think the belt from my pants would have hung lower on her body than her shorts did!) was suggestively starting a car race, another woman disrobes and climbs into a bath tub with her boyfriend, a horror film preview showed more naked bodies than clothed ones (the whole horror genre reeks of sexualized violence!), and an upcoming “comedy” included the naked backs of a dozen women in an apparent attempt at making an orgy seem, funny. All of that was in the previews for movies!

I haven’t heard about any boycotts concerning those movies, and several have already been released in theaters. Why not?

Here are a couple of thoughts: First, in our sex-saturated culture, we aren’t shocked by “normal” displays of immorality. My wife and I have enjoyed a few TV shows that we watch on Netflix, and over the years have been shocked by how often immoral relationships are glamorized and normalized on the screen. Scantily clad women seducing married men is just another day at the office. Crime scene investigators solving a mystery at a strip club just happens, and two wildly beautiful women making out in the back room of a hospital just doesn’t shock us. We’ve become conditioned to believe these things are “normal” and “ok”. 50 Shades of Grey sends shock waves because it supposedly takes acceptable perversion to a new level. Personally, I hope it helps point out how conditioned we’ve become to all forms of perverse entertainment.

Secondly, “intimacy” has become so public, we’ve lost sight of the beauty of sex. Any of the opponents to this weekend’s movie who cast a shadow of doubt on the beauty and sanctity of sex, are just as guilty of destroying intimacy as the actors and directors of the movie (or any of the movies described above). SEX IS AWESOME and is a magnificent expression of intimacy and oneness, given to us by God, to be enjoyed in the richness of marriage. Suggesting that sex (implied) shown on the big screen, is “courageous” or “the true meaning of erotic” flies in the face of the intimacy that should be shared between a husband and wife in their sexual lives together.

Traci and I have been married for over 18 years, and I can tell you that our enjoyment of sex hasn’t waned a bit, while our capacity to engage, satisfy and fulfill each other has improved dramatically. There is nothing boring about our bedroom, and the moments we share raptured in physical intimacy are frequent, thrilling and incredibly intimate.

In fact, I’ve come to believe that the sex-saturation of our culture has struck at the central nerve of sexual expression by destroying that key component: the intimacy that was meant to be shared between two married people. When sex is reduced to a show, to physical pleasure shared in a raunchy bar, to uncontrolled animalistic urges between two (or three or four ...!) out-of-control college students, to day-time frolicking between a stay-at-home mom and the neighborhood pool boy or a desperate business man preying on the availability of young naive female employees, it becomes nothing more than an urge like hunger, sleepiness or anger. And like those other urges, it is satisfied immediately in any way possible.

By contrast, intimate sex is one of the greatest gifts any two people can give each other in the context of marriage. Hebrews 13:4 states, “Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex” (The Message). Sex is honorable, beautiful, sacred and when it’s treated like that, it will become fun, satisfying and intensely intimate. That kind of intimacy is what has led to a deeper understanding and oneness between me and Traci, and has become a spiritual picture of our relationship with God. When sex is seen in its proper light, no book, movie or web site can satisfy the sexual longings like true, God-ordained intimacy.

Instead of partaking in someone else’s sex life this weekend (or any weekend!), indulge in yours, and work on your marriage-bed intimacy. Don’t let this culture rob you of the great joy of true oneness. Men, don’t give in to the temptation to believe that onscreen (movie, TV, phone, tablet or computer screen!) sex has any valid claim to your thoughts, or will ultimately increase your sexual pleasure. Women, don’t romanticize the sexual experiences and “love” of characters created to exploit your emotions. 50 Shades of Grey is just one example of a nearly endless barrage of attacks aimed at destroying the intimacy for which sex was given to us. Next week there will be another movie, another book or another TV show attempting to do the same thing.

Let’s root out the sources of sexual perversion in our lives, and work hard on our marriages. Overboard author, Steve Etner, has a great book and has developed a ministry particularly aimed at helping men who struggle with sexual temptation. At the bottom of this blog, you’ll see several other tools and resources available to help you (men or women) reclaim the true purpose and meaning of sex.

Choose to enjoy YOUR valentine this weekend...and next week...and next weekend...and...

Go ahead and take the plunge, life -- including your sex life! -- is always better on the water!

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I love the guys at www.xxxchurch.com, offering great help for men and women with sexual purity.

http://www.purelifeministries.org is another great site aimed at helping people work through their struggles with misplaced sexual values.

Three thoughts about writing

I’ve had the privilege of writing and publishing 2 books, and I’m working on my third. I’ve also been able to help 7 other authors achieve their dreams of being published; numbers 8 & 9 are already on the docket. It’s a thrill to be a part of the book-making process. Now that I have a few books under the ol’ belt (what does that even mean?!) people frequently ask me how to write a book or how to go about being published. While the book writing process is challenging, and publishing can get pretty complex, there are a few basic steps that are fundamentally true for anyone wishing to write and be published.

Here are three thoughts about finishing your book:

1. The first step to writing is always the same: start writing. I’ve talked to many authors, a few other publishers and a handful of other people involved in the publishing business. They’ve all repeated this advice to me. In fact, it was in consulting with other authors that I finally put the finishing touches on my first book. Overboard’s latest author, long-time published writer, Mel Walker told me “Joe, if you want to get your book done, there are three important actions you must take. Write. Write. And then write some more. I started by writing articles for youth ministry journals and then for a daily devotional site hosted by my friend, Danny Ray. Each of these experiences gave me the opportunity to develop my writing voice and to work on the skills necessary to put together an entire book.
2. Write about something you care about, something with which you are passionate. Sometimes while you are writing, especially if you are trying to do some freelance work, the temptation will come for you to start writing about things that mean nothing to you. Some might advise you to take the opportunities that come your way, but I would suggest to stick to those topics or styles that you love. I’m certainly not opposed to someone expanding their skills through different genres, but I really believe that writing about your passions is the easiest way to develop the habit of writing. For me, it would be really hard to sit down and hammer out a blog or a short article about the benefits of crocheting a scarf with a K-hook; it would be a piece-of-cake to write about Magic John’s baby hook that destroyed the evil Boston Celtic empire in the 87 NBA finals. http://youtu.be/PqUCum1y8Kg Write about what you love.
3. Let others read and comment on your writing. Writing is intensely personal. I imagine it’s like any other art form or creative exercise. When you’ve taken the time to create something, it can be very challenging to let others see and critique it. As gently as I can say this…GET OVER IT! If you want to become better, be willing to be praised and corrected. Your worst critics are not your worst enemies. My biggest fans are my wife and my mom and both them read my stuff and offer up corrections. Don’t even get me started on my editor. In fact, the included picture on today’s blog is from a page of the first draft of Project Joseph. You’ll notice there is far more red than black! Your writing will improve as soon as you allow others to speak into it. My writing is better today than it was yesterday, and if I keep writing and learning, it will be better tomorrow than it is today.

I hope these tips will encourage you to keep pursuing your passions to write, or maybe to start that writing project you’ve been putting off. Thanks to all of you for reading this blog, encouraging me with kind words and corrections and for buying Overboard Books from our different authors. Your support makes all the difference.

Go ahead and take the plunge, your writing will be better on the water!

5 tips for better sex

Let me just say that out of the gate, this is definitely a PG-13 blog post, intended for adults. The Overboard Life is supposed to include every part of our daily walk, including work, school, family, marriage, and yes, Overboard living applies to our sex life. So without apology, but with caution, I offer you an Overboard perspective on sex and intimacy on this Valentine’s Day, 2014. -----

So how does Overboard living apply to sex? It seems easy to think of the Overboard Life as we talk about faith and maybe even work and school, but really, sex?

Overboard living means stepping out in faith, trusting God with every part of our lives, and making it our business to conform to His business. For many, the idea of inviting God into one of the most intimate acts two people can share seems appalling and offensive. But the Creator of the universe is also the creator of relationships and the creator of sex! Inviting Him into the bedroom is as natural as the longing two people have for connection!

So how do we live Overboard when it comes to sex? Here are five idea:

1. Remember that sex is about your spouse. Today’s culture turns sex into a “satisfy me” type of activity. The main purpose for many in this world is self satisfaction, pleasure, and the pursuit of other forms of sexual gratification. But the best sex isn’t found in pleasing oneself, but in creating deep and beautiful satisfaction for your spouse. And not just physical pleasure, but creating connection at an incredibly emotional and personal level. When we focus our sex on satisfying the total person of our spouse, we will find the greatest personal satisfaction, too.
2. Stop being committed. I’m sick of people committing themselves to their relationships, it just doesn’t work. What? Seriously, how many times have you seen someone post on FB, “I’m in a committed relationship” only to see their status change a week or month or year later? Being committed to a relationship only lasts as long as we feel like we’re getting what we want out of it. Maybe it’s happiness, maybe it’s security or maybe it’s status. As soon as the benefit goes away, our desire to stay committed follows close behind. Stop being in a committed relationship and start being in a covenant relationship. A covenant relationship doesn’t rest on our feelings or the response of the other person, but rather, resting in our faith in God, a covenant relationship is a decision to pursue the good of another, first. Your sex life will reach a greater level of intimacy when you stop being committed and you start being covenanted to your spouse.
3. Learn to communicate: For Traci and I, our sexual satisfaction improved significantly when we began to engage in serious conversation about the topic. Yes, we learned to talk about the physical experiences we enjoy or wanted to enjoy, but even more, we’ve learned to talk about our expectations regarding sex. During one conversation we worked-out some bedroom frustration we were both experiencing. What Traci thought was playful sexual teasing, I thought was an invitation for bedroom fireworks. She was confused as to why I was being so excited to hop in the sack, and I was confused as to why she suddenly seemed so cold! I know a lot of couples who continue to live with frustrations that could be resolved with some pretty simple, though potentially awkward, conversations. (want 4 tips on how to communicate about sex with your spouse? Click HERE!)
4. Create intimacy in other parts of your marriage. Intimacy doesn’t begin in the bedroom. You’ve maybe seen the book, Sex begins in the Kitchen? I haven’t read the book, but the title expresses the concept well: sex improves dramatically when we create intimacy in other parts of our marriage. My wife and I love being together and experiencing life as we covenant ourselves, first to God, and then to each other. Those experiences create a closeness that translates into a better sexual experience! When we open ourselves up to share in each other’s dreams, goals and hopes, as well as our hurts, heartaches and tough times, we deepen the bond that exists between us. The bond makes our sexual connection stronger and better. Traci has always loved Hawaii and yet it took me until our 10th anniversary to realize that helping her fulfill that dream, deepened our bond together. It wasn’t just a fun trip or experience for her, it was an act of intimacy building to help her fulfill a decades old dream. As a side benefit, we had some fantastic Island sex (I’m guessing Hawaii has had that benefit on a lot of marriages)!
5. Just do it…God’s way. Ultimately, sex can never create a lasting, satisfying relationship, and especially not when we experience it apart from God’s plan. Sex was meant to be enjoyed (yes, God created pleasure as a key part of sex!) in the bonds of marriage, not in casual or even “committed” relationships. In marriage sex, we see a connection that exists between two people, and it’s the picture that God used to illustrate the intimate connection He wants with His people (Ephesians 5:31-32). That picture can’t exist when we slide from relationship to relationship, or choose to live without covenant. And If I choose to enjoy sex God’s way, that means I have to say no to sex that would take me outside of my marriage. I must fight the sexual temptations that exist with coworkers, pornography, old high school flames (unless you’re married to yours like I am!) or people that live their lives in contrast to God’s clear teaching. If I party with friends who don’t embrace God’s plan for sex, it won’t be long before I find myself in compromise. The creator of sex knows how it will best be experienced, and He chose marriage as the place where the greatest benefit, pleasure and intimacy of sexual union can be shared (Genesis 2:24).

The Overboard Life can be lived out in every facet of our relationship with God. Too often we think (or we live) our faith is just one small compartment of who we are, instead of extending it to each corner of our lives. Sex is a holy act when contained in the holiness of marriage. It is a beautiful expression of love and unity, and should be a richly satisfying and pleasurable experience. And God wants to be a part of your sex life, just as He wants to share in your parenting, your church attendance, your money and the way you conduct yourself at work.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life (and sex!) is always better on the water!