Why it can be good to wait

Waiting can be so hard. Waiting can feel like lost time, lost opportunity and for some, can even feel unspiritual! People from the outside can view your waiting as laziness, and people closest to you can sometimes mistake your waiting as fear or anxiety. Sometimes, however, waiting can be very good. I’ve been thinking a lot about waiting, lately. It seems like God has us in a waiting game, hanging out to see what He reveals for us next. Without question, I get a little frustrated while I’m waiting, but I am learning to trust that waiting is, itself, part of God’s process for our lives.

This morning, as I was driving in to work, I came up on this intersection on a backroad near the church where I’m serving as interim youth pastor. In the past month of taking this road, I have never seen another car at this intersection that features stop signs for east and westbound traffic, but not for north or southbound vehicles.

I was driving northbound (no stop sign) preparing to turn left. There was a car stopped on my right (preparing to turn south) and a vehicle driving southbound (coming towards me) down a hill, moving at a good clip. I turned on my blinker and waited just outside the intersection so that the southbound car could pass me, then I could make my left hand turn toward the office.

However, the gentleman to my right, did not see the vehicle coming down the hill from his right, and you could tell he was visibly confused and frustrated by the fact that I was not making my left-hand turn (he may have assumed I thought I was at a 4-way stop). He began edging out into the intersection, as though he was going to turn left in front of me, as he remained totally unaware of the vehicle cruising down the hill towards us both.

As he was about to make his move, I edged further into the intersection to “block” his path, when the car driving south flew through the intersection (probably doing 55-60) and startled him completely. At that point, I think he realized that had he darted around me, there would have been a three car collision and he would have been responsible for damages, injuries or maybe even someone’s death.

Waiting was a good thing.

For me, I think I’ve too often confused waiting with stalling, or waiting with doing nothing, when in fact, waiting should be a very active process. Here are a few lessons I’ve learned while waiting:

1. Rest while you wait. I remember when Traci and I were waiting for AJ to be born. Traci’s water broke at 1:30am, and by 10:30am progress was slow and painful. The doctor gave her an epidural and then we were waiting (AJ wasn’t born for another six hours!). While we waited, I remember the doctor telling Traci, “Rest while you can. When it’s time, you will need all your strength and energy to birth your child.” With the help of the pain meds, Traci slept for over an hour, and then she rested and napped, in and out, for the better part of a second hour. Later, when it was go time, she was ready. Use your waiting time as opportunity to rest.
2. Focus on habits while you wait. Waiting can be an excuse for laziness or wandering around like a lost man, but it should be an active season of preparing for whatever is next. Waiting is the perfect time to refine the habits we need when the waiting period is over.
3. Grow while you wait. Not only can we firm up our important daily habits, but waiting is also a time to pursue personal growth through education, reading, traveling or through being mentored or coached. Don’t waste your waiting time by constantly checking the front window to see if your new opportunity has arrived. Use the extra time in your schedule to learn a language, develop a new skill or deepen your knowledge/expertise in an area in which you are already strong. Let waiting time grow you!
4. Confirm/reestablish priorities while you wait. Often, in the grind of day-to-day living, we can lose sight of our most important priorities. We can allow bad habits that distract us from what’s most important (God, marriage, family, ministry to others etc...) and find we are too disproportionately focused on lesser things (money, bills, job etc...). During seasons of waiting, it’s good to confirm or realign your priorities, so that when the waiting is over, you are engaged in the things that matter mostt.
5. Review your dreams while you wait. You know those goals, dreams and lofty plans that have been sitting on the shelf for a little while? Waiting periods are great opportunities to pull them done, dust them off, and get them worked back into your plans. It’s easy to have big dreams that fall casualty to the ebb and flow of life, and when God slows things down during a time of waiting, use those moments to reflect on the dreams that used to drive you!

Waiting is rarely a fun or easy experience to navigate. However, as I’ve learned, the waiting process can be super productive in preparing you for what is on the other side of the wait. You may even find out that God was protecting you from a massive collision (like the driver in my car story), one that could have permanently derailed you and your work for the Lord.

I’m learning to wait, better, because sometimes, waiting can be very good!

Go ahead and take the plunge, even waiting is better on the water!

Death still stinks.

A couple days ago, Traci and I attended the funeral of a friend. Pastor John Gleason died, in his mid-50s, of a freak water accident. He was, by human standards, taken while in the prime of his ministry. Several hundred people attended this service, and the scope of influence his ministry had was broad and touching. This isn’t the first time I’ve written about death, and unfortunately, it won’t be the last. Death is a grim reality in this life, one that all of us must face in relationship to others, and in relationship to our own mortality. Reflecting on someone else’s death gives a chance to evaluate our own lives, and to consider the influence we’re having on those around us. I certainly found myself doing that as John’s service unfolded.

During part of the ceremony, several people shared stories of Pastor Gleason’s influence in their lives. While he pastored a smaller congregation, you wouldn’t have known that by the large number of people in attendance at his funeral. And story after story reflected the same two themes: John loved God and John loved others.

There were several humorous moments, and of course, not a dry eye in the place when his son shared about the love he received from his father. But through it all, funny or touching, obscure or enriching, the same themes of love emerged. Love for his wife and children. Love for the people in his church even those who had walked away from the Lord. Love for the prisoners he visited each week in jail. Love for children. Love for music and using it to bless others. And most of all, a deep, rich and unquenchable love for God.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I forget how simple it is. When Jesus was asked to explain the most important laws and rules His people should follow, He broke down His answer into two simple categories: Love God, and love others.

“Jesus replied [to the question]: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. and the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

Jesus went on to explain that everything in God’s Law hangs on those two themes. In other words, our lives can be measured by how well we love God and love others. Our decisions can be weighed by how much they reflect a love for God or a love for others. If you break down the Christian experience to its most basic form it boils down to these two questions: How well do you love God? How well do you love others?

Based on my experience with Pastor John Gleason, and confirmed by the myriad of testimonies I heard about his life, he excelled in both. And as I reflected on his life, his sudden death and the mark he left in this world, I wondered how I was doing in loving God and loving others. How are you doing?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

p.s. The more I’ve thought about John’s life the more I realize that one of the ways that he loved people, was by having time and being available. I know John was busy, but it never felt like he was busy when you met with him. He always had time, and he never seemed rushed to get away from a conversation or relationship. He was a good listener. How can you show love for others today? Maybe by applying one of John’s principles to your interactions with the people around you:

1. Take time to invest in relationships
2. Don’t be rushed into, or out of, conversations
3. Listen intently

Why I date my wife

If you have ever been with Traci and I when we’ve taught a couples’ class, or if you’ve sat through one of our weekend seminars, you know that we are big fans of dating! Before we were married we dated all the time. After we tied the knot, we dated quite a bit. When AJ, our first child, was born, we dated some, and then somewhere in-between AJ and BJ (about 14 months) our dating came to screeching halt. If you’re married, with or without kids, you know what I’m talking about -- life hits and dating suddenly isn’t much of a priority, it’s more like a luxury.

Shortly after BJ was born, I had one of those Ah-Ha moments, and I worked hard to start making dating a priority again. It wasn’t an easy task. and it often required lots of creativity because our budget was particularly tight, but we made it work. Ever since then, almost without fail, we have taken the time to date on a very regular basis (3-4 times every month).

Today we tell couples all the time, “You need to go on regular dates” and believe me, we have heard every excuse in the book for why that  “just won’t work for us.” Kids. Work. Working kids. In-laws. Out-laws. Bowling league (yes, there was actually a young man who dropped that one on me!). Tiredness. Online video games (don’t ask). No babysitters. No trusted babysitters. No money. Nothing to do. And on and on.

The old adage is true, “where there is a will, there is a way” and Traci and I know from

experience, you can make dating work every week, on any budget, all the time. Yes, we’ve swapped child care with friends so we could date. Yes, we’ve paid babysitters all our “discretionary money” and walked the mall or the park for a date. We’ve eaten out, we’ve eaten in (shipped the kids to grandma’s house), we’ve watched movies, we’ve watched people and we’ve gazed at the stars. What we’ve learned is that the actual date activity has very little to do with the value of the date, the date itself is what matters.

So why do I work so hard to date my wife? Here are 8 reasons and I hope it encourages you and your spouse to keep dating!

1. Dating reminds my wife that she is a priority in my life. Traci knows that she is a priority in my life, but dating lets her feel like a priority, too. When the calendar is cleared specifically so I can spend time with her, I’m reinforcing my commitment to her and to our marriage. Our dates are often a time for her to catch me up on the parts of mom-life that I don’t always see (see #4 below), and for her to get my input and feedback about challenges with our kids. When we date, she knows that my focus is on her (and her focus is on me), and that goes a long way in reinforcing how important our relationship is to me.
2. Dating reminds me that my wife is a priority in my life. Sometimes in the craziness of work, of juggling the kids’ schedules and trying to manage our routines, it can become easy for me to relegate my marriage to “I’ll work on that next week when I have more time...” Regular dating reminds me that the relationship I have with Traci is second only to my relationship with God.
3. Dating reminds my kids that my wife is a priority in my life. Sometimes our youngest daughter, CJ, will lament, “Are you guys going on another date?” I always laugh, and I always remind her, dating her mom is one of the highlights of my week. It makes our marriage better and also improves our parenting. In the future, I’m confident both of my girls will look for godly men who will date them long after they’ve said “I Do!” (Or said young men will be receiving a very unpleasant visit from their father-in-law!)
4. Dating allows us to communicate about things that often get neglected. Whether it’s a walk at the mall, dinner and a movie or a visit to a nearby ball park, date night is ultimately about Traci, and about our relationship, not about the activity. This gives us plenty of time to talk about things that often get neglected in marriage. We’ve spent dates talking about finances, dreaming about the future, talking about sex, working thru issues with the kids and even struggles in work or with her business. By making our dates regular, these discussions become an outlet, not a downer, and they often lead to problem-solving and confirmation that we’re on the same page.
5. Dating is just plain romantic. If you feel like there is little romance in your marriage, if you feel like the sexual connection you have is less than desirable, believe me, putting effort into regular dates should be high on your priority list! Dating puts you face-to-face with your spouse, allows you to walk hand-in-hand and helps build intimacy through the romance of being “out” together. I’m confident that when Traci and I started making dating a priority again (almost 12 years ago!), the romance returned stronger than ever.
6. [regular] Dating has forced me to be thoughtful and creative. If you date regularly, dinner and movie will only work for so long. First off, there aren’t that many good movies out in a year, and secondly, it can be a spendy night. Dating my wife on a weekly basis has really forced me (and her, since we take turns planning date night) to be thoughtful and creative about our dates. Now that we don’t live anywhere near family, overnight dates have been more challenging...but they still happen because of thoughtful and creative planning!
7. Dating tells others that our marriage is a priority. I love telling people, “Sorry, that night won’t work for [insert event invitation here] because that’s our date night.” Often, people respond with, “Wow...I haven’t been on a date with my spouse in years!” and it almost always leads to conversation about how to make it work. When other people see that we are committed to dating each other, they know we are committed to strengthening our marriage, and it encourages them to do the same!
8. Dating slows the pace of life for a few moments. When we date, we work hard to turn off the phones and “disconnect” for the time we have together. There is something special about slowing down for a few moments, and together, enjoying the world around us. When we date, we tend to find more pleasure in our relationship, but also in our work, in our children and even in our trials and hardships! Dating allows us to slow the pace of life and enjoy the views God has given us.

I hope you and your spouse are dating, and if not, this is a great time to start! Commit to a regular date even it starts at once a month or if you boldly step in to once a week. Your commitment to invest in your marriage will pay off, on your first date, AND in the years to come as you keep dating a priority. Take your spouse on a date this weekend!

Go ahead and take the plunge, life -- including your marriage! -- is better on the water.