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Overboard Blog

Living the extraordinary life of faith!

Filtering by Tag: sex

Why are Baptists against pre-marital sex?

joeacast

I'm very proud  and thankful for my Baptist heritage and conservative upbringing. God has used that foundation in my life, time and time again. Thanks to my appreciation for that upbringing, I can also enjoy a few good jokes at the expense of my Baptist friends!

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A sappy birthday blog for my wife

joeacast

Today, my beloved wife turns 43 years old. We have celebrated 19 of those years married, and 8 before that while we were dating. So 27 times I’ve Happy Birthdayed her, as a boyfriend, fiancé or husband. 43 isn’t one of those “milestone” birthdays, so it seems easy to sweep 43 under the carpet. I decided to make it a bigger deal by celebrating her birthday all week, and by writing this post to give you 43 reasons why I’m still crazy in love with my wife. Prepare to gag over the mushiness of this. Feel free to steal any of these words that you can use (however, do change the name “Traci” to the appropriate name in your situation) in your own relationships and of course, remember to bless the people in your life that have such meaning to you!

  1. She experiences pure joy in Jesus. Traci knows her center for life is not me, not the kids and not her work...it’s in her relationship with Christ. And she always goes back to that place in the craziness of life.
  2. She is fiercely loyal. Loyalty and commitment are deeply ingrained in Traci, and as a friend, lover, business owner and mom, she is loyal with those to whom she connects deeply.
  3. She is full of laughter. My wife laughs a lot, and she brings a lot of laughter into our lives.
  4. Traci and I love exploring local landmarks and tourist areas...in the offseason. This is a fun spot in downtown TC, during the fall we had the pier to ourselves!

    She is a tad crazy. Traci has this fun and spontaneous side to her, and it creates great moments in our lives.

  5. She understands our daughters. Cute little girls grow up to be teenage daughters who have complicated emotional lives, that complicate significantly around age 12. Traci gets it. (hallelujah...standing ovation...cheers...applaud...relief!)
  6. She understands our son. Not only does she mom our daughters, but she has an amazing relationship with our son, too. He turns to her for advice and inspiration, and I know she’s modeled for him the type of wife he should look for some day.
  7. She is athletic. One of the first qualities that attracted me to Traci back in high school, was her ability to participate in youth group games and be better than about 1/2 the boys.
  8. She inspires others: Many of you reading this blog have been inspired by Traci and her writings, by her honest struggles with life, and by her victories. People look to her as someone to imitate.
  9. She inspires me: I’ve lived with her for almost 19 years and she still, regularly, pushes me to new heights and into new challenges.
  10. She is full of tears: I love that my wife is free with her emotions, and ok to cry with her own pain, share tears as she feels the pain and hurt of others and as she expresses worship and praise to God.
  11. She is stunningly hot: When I think back to that first glance at her, in the late 80’s, with big hair and 90’s bangs, I remember how stunned I was by her looks. 27 years later, I’m more dazzled than ever, as I’ve come to understand that her outer hotness is matched only by her inner beauty. Inside and out, she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.
  12. While we’re talking about hot, let’s just assume that numbers 12-15 would not be appropriate to share publicly. So wink-wink, nod-nod, snicker-snicker...she is the inspiration behind one of my more popular blogs, “5 ways to improve your sex life.” (go ahead and click the link...no judgment here!)
  13. PG-13
  14. PG-13
  15. R
  16. She works hard. You could never use the word “lazy” to describe my wife. Ever.
  17. She dreams BIG! Our life and family dreams are significantly broader and deeper than they would be if it was just me dreaming them! Traci sees the greatness of God and believes deeply in HIS ability to lead His children into great things.
  18. She rarely holds anything back. My wife will step into uncomfortable situations, and is willing to give it her all, regardless of the cost or the outcome.
  19. She is unwilling to not grow. My wife is always reaching out for growth, always learning from God’s Word and is eager to become more of who God made her to be. She never stops growing and learning.

    A fun little weekend date in Chicago last Spring.

  20. She knows how to rest. I love that my wife knows how to work hard, and I love that she knows how to rest and take care of herself.
  21. She loves vacation. Traci takes a B+ vacation and makes it an A+. She takes a C- vacation...and makes it an A+. She loves taking our family time and making it better. And she’s very, very, good at it.
  22. She loves being surprised. My wife loves being surprised by others. I pity my friends who have a spouse that HATES surprises, and actually, if they feel surprised by a weekend away, a special gift etc... are usually more upset (at least initially) than happy at the gift. I love surprising Traci with little and big things -- it doesn’t matter! -- because she loves being surprised and makes them extra special.
  23. She cooks. If you and I are ever trapped in a building, and our survival depends on my culinary skills, we are both going to die of hunger. I’m grateful for my wife’s skills in the kitchen.
  24. She manages our family well. Traci is the family organizer. She keeps us running smoothly, she manages appointments, she keeps a great calendar and even in the last season of life where we were homeless and out of schedule/routine, she managed us with excellence.
  25. She has an unshakeable faith. No matter how dire things can get, Traci believes in the hand of God and in His ability to bring change to any situation.
  26. She runs hard. Last October we ran our first 1/2 marathon, together. It was a metaphor for our lives then (and now), and one of my take aways was seeing the relentless nature of my wife emerge. She runs hard and she refuses to give up. I love her tenacity toward goals and dreams.
  27. She listens well. I love that my wife listens. Not passively, but she actively listens to people. She cares about her relationships and she listens without the need to interrupt, offer unsolicited advice or cast judgment without knowledge.
  28. She is wise. My wife will frequently tell me, “I wish I knew what to say when...” Truth is, she does know what to say, and knows when to say it. She knows how to process life experiences and how to give wise advice, not just what-you-want-to-hear isms.
  29. She thinks I’m funny. Seriously, she still laughs at my jokes. She still smiles when someone in our house says “wrap” and I start rapping like MC Hammer.
  30. She can, on occasion, be a tad clumsy. It’s a cute clumsy and it’s hilarious when it shows up.
  31. 13.1 miles is a very LOOOOOOOOOOONG distance to run. But we did it!

    She can laugh at herself. #30 has led to a number of tear-enducing moments in our marriage..the laughter kind of tears.

  32. She enjoys a simple life: My wife has a simplicity about the way she lives, and I absolutely love it.
  33. She is a great communicator. Traci connects with people when she speaks in a public platform. It’s not just that what she says is good (which it is!), it’s that she says it in such a way that people connect with her and her message. She makes friends in her public ministry, just because people feel like they know her after she’s done sharing. When we teach together, I always marvel at the number of people who walk away feeling like Traci is their friend because of how she communicates.
  34. She looks great in anything she wears: I love that she looks great in sweat pants and a baggy sweatshirt, as well as in her little black dress or business casual outfit. She can wear jogging shorts that always make me do a double take, or she can go full tilt for a night at the Magic Castle and wow me when she walks into the room.
  35. She’s not afraid of trouble. Life is full of trouble and hardship. Traci doesn’t run from any of them and she isn’t afraid to face down whatever is right in front of us.
  36. She knows me, and still loves me. No human knows me better than my wife, and even with that full knowledge, she loves me fully and blesses me beyond reason.
  37. She sees things from a different angle. We can read the same Bible story, we can look at the same picture, and Traci sees things that I miss. Ok, I miss a lot, so that may not be that impressive, but she sees things that almost everyone misses. She has a great perspective on life.
  38. She is my biggest fan. It doesn’t matter what I’m throwing myself into, my wife believes that I will find success. No matter what the odds, no matter how many frustrating walls I’ve smacked my head against, she believes that I will find a breakthrough.

    I think my wife is better equipped for surviving life in prison...

  39. She is passionate. While this certainly would include things back up in 12-15, it also includes life outside the bedroom. Traci is passionate about what she does, who our kids are and how God is working in and through our family. She approaches life, the highs and lows, with passion. Her passion is contagious.
  40. She is humble. I’ve learned a lot from Traci’s humility in life. Her humility magnifies her beauty.
  41. She is talented. She’s a great public speaker. She’s a talented pianist. She’s a great cook. She’s an excellent athletic, life and business coach. I could go on, just know that she’s incredibly talented.
  42. She promotes our kids. Traci promotes our kids, challenges them to grow, knows when to push and knows when to pull them in close. She is an amazing mother.
  43. She invests heavily in our marriage. My wife guards our marriage, protects her own heart and emotions and happily celebrates with me, the journey we’re on.

I feel like I’m just warming up, so I guess she’ll just have to keep having birthdays so that I can keep adding to this list.

I am a blessed man, more than these words could ever express. I’m sure many of you feel the same about your families, your marriages, your friendships or about some other relationship in your life. Celebrate those people in your life, be sure to tell them how much they mean to you and my God fill you with an overflowing joy through the people closest to you.

Go ahead and take the plunge, your relationships will always be better on the water!

Why I date my wife

joeacast

If you have ever been with Traci and I when we’ve taught a couples’ class, or if you’ve sat through one of our weekend seminars, you know that we are big fans of dating! Before we were married we dated all the time. After we tied the knot, we dated quite a bit. When AJ, our first child, was born, we dated some, and then somewhere in-between AJ and BJ (about 14 months) our dating came to screeching halt. If you’re married, with or without kids, you know what I’m talking about -- life hits and dating suddenly isn’t much of a priority, it’s more like a luxury. A fun little weekend date in Chicago last Spring.

Shortly after BJ was born, I had one of those Ah-Ha moments, and I worked hard to start making dating a priority again. It wasn’t an easy task. and it often required lots of creativity because our budget was particularly tight, but we made it work. Ever since then, almost without fail, we have taken the time to date on a very regular basis (3-4 times every month).

Today we tell couples all the time, “You need to go on regular dates” and believe me, we have heard every excuse in the book for why that  “just won’t work for us.” Kids. Work. Working kids. In-laws. Out-laws. Bowling league (yes, there was actually a young man who dropped that one on me!). Tiredness. Online video games (don’t ask). No babysitters. No trusted babysitters. No money. Nothing to do. And on and on.

The old adage is true, “where there is a will, there is a way” and Traci and I know from

Traci and I love exploring local landmarks and tourist areas...in the offseason. This is a fun spot in downtown TC, during the fall we had the pier to ourselves!

experience, you can make dating work every week, on any budget, all the time. Yes, we’ve swapped child care with friends so we could date. Yes, we’ve paid babysitters all our “discretionary money” and walked the mall or the park for a date. We’ve eaten out, we’ve eaten in (shipped the kids to grandma’s house), we’ve watched movies, we’ve watched people and we’ve gazed at the stars. What we’ve learned is that the actual date activity has very little to do with the value of the date, the date itself is what matters.

So why do I work so hard to date my wife? Here are 8 reasons and I hope it encourages you and your spouse to keep dating!

  1. Dating reminds my wife that she is a priority in my life. Traci knows that she is a priority in my life, but dating lets her feel like a priority, too. When the calendar is cleared specifically so I can spend time with her, I’m reinforcing my commitment to her and to our marriage. Our dates are often a time for her to catch me up on the parts of mom-life that I don’t always see (see #4 below), and for her to get my input and feedback about challenges with our kids. When we date, she knows that my focus is on her (and her focus is on me), and that goes a long way in reinforcing how important our relationship is to me.
  2. Dating reminds me that my wife is a priority in my life. Sometimes in the craziness of work, of juggling the kids’ schedules and trying to manage our routines, it can become easy for me to relegate my marriage to “I’ll work on that next week when I have more time...” Regular dating reminds me that the relationship I have with Traci is second only to my relationship with God.
  3. Dating reminds my kids that my wife is a priority in my life. Sometimes our youngest daughter, CJ, will lament, “Are you guys going on another date?” I always laugh, and I always remind her, dating her mom is one of the highlights of my week. It makes our marriage better and also improves our parenting. In the future, I’m confident both of my girls will look for godly men who will date them long after they’ve said “I Do!” (Or said young men will be receiving a very unpleasant visit from their father-in-law!)
  4. Dating allows us to communicate about things that often get neglected. Whether it’s a walk at the mall, dinner and a movie or a visit to a nearby ball park, date night is ultimately about Traci, and about our relationship, not about the activity. This gives us plenty of time to talk about things that often get neglected in marriage. We’ve spent dates talking about finances, dreaming about the future, talking about sex, working thru issues with the kids and even struggles in work or with her business. By making our dates regular, these discussions become an outlet, not a downer, and they often lead to problem-solving and confirmation that we’re on the same page.
  5. Dating is just plain romantic. If you feel like there is little romance in your marriage, if you feel like the sexual connection you have is less than desirable, believe me, putting effort into regular dates should be high on your priority list! Dating puts you face-to-face with your spouse, allows you to walk hand-in-hand and helps build intimacy through the romance of being “out” together. I’m confident that when Traci and I started making dating a priority again (almost 12 years ago!), the romance returned stronger than ever.
  6. [regular] Dating has forced me to be thoughtful and creative. If you date regularly, dinner and movie will only work for so long. First off, there aren’t that many good movies out in a year, and secondly, it can be a spendy night. Dating my wife on a weekly basis has really forced me (and her, since we take turns planning date night) to be thoughtful and creative about our dates. Now that we don’t live anywhere near family, overnight dates have been more challenging...but they still happen because of thoughtful and creative planning!
  7. Dating tells others that our marriage is a priority. I love telling people, “Sorry, that night won’t work for [insert event invitation here] because that’s our date night.” Often, people respond with, “Wow...I haven’t been on a date with my spouse in years!” and it almost always leads to conversation about how to make it work. When other people see that we are committed to dating each other, they know we are committed to strengthening our marriage, and it encourages them to do the same!
  8. Dating slows the pace of life for a few moments. When we date, we work hard to turn off the phones and “disconnect” for the time we have together. There is something special about slowing down for a few moments, and together, enjoying the world around us. When we date, we tend to find more pleasure in our relationship, but also in our work, in our children and even in our trials and hardships! Dating allows us to slow the pace of life and enjoy the views God has given us.

I hope you and your spouse are dating, and if not, this is a great time to start! Commit to a regular date even it starts at once a month or if you boldly step in to once a week. Your commitment to invest in your marriage will pay off, on your first date, AND in the years to come as you keep dating a priority. Take your spouse on a date this weekend!

Go ahead and take the plunge, life -- including your marriage! -- is better on the water.

50 Shades of Grey...and 37 uses of the word "Sex"

joeacast

[warning: This blog post contains a frank discussions about sex, and is really intended for married couples and adults] I don’t know if you’ve heard the news or not, but apparently there’s some movie coming out this weekend that involves gratuitous sex, sensualized erotic violence and a fair share of graphic nudity. Apparently it’s a movie that is from a wildly popular book containing the same content (without pictures) and apparently a record number of movie goers are expected to attend the weekend premier. Apparently sex still sells, thus I'm hoping 37 uses of the word (or its variants) in my blog will keep you reading to the end.

There’s a lot of hype about this film of which I only know details from blogs I’ve read, and articles I’ve seen on my Facebook feed. I haven’t read the book(s), and I haven’t seen any particulars about actual content apart from the summaries mentioned above. I have been surprised by some of the people who are vocally boycotting this film, and equally by those who are eagerly planning to attend. (Almost ironically, I’m sitting in a coffee shop writing this blog post, and an add for 50 Shades of Grey just played on the radio.)

Whenever something like this grabs the attention of our culture, I’m always surprised by the responses of people on either side. Supporters of this particular film refer to it as a “redemptive love story” (from one blogger), and the graphic sexual depictions as “just sex” not much worse than you can watch on your television at home. Opponents call it “pornography” and an “appalling display of violence against young women.”

I don’t know why these reactions keep surprising me, they shouldn’t. And truthfully, they shouldn’t surprise you, either. We live in a world, and especially a culture, that loves to glamorize and sensationalize sex. This weekend’s movie sounds offensive on a lot of levels, but it’s really not much worse than so many other weekend offerings. Apparently, 50 Shades of Grey pushes the envelope significantly, but that’s what we should expect from a movie culture that thrives on hype, shock and pre-release buzz in order to sell tickets.

A few weeks back I was watching a movie with a friend, and all seven previews shown before our movie, included some sensualized image to draw in movie goers and sell tickets. Scantily clad women dancing at a party being crashed by secret agents, a gorgeous model wearing “Shorts” (I think the belt from my pants would have hung lower on her body than her shorts did!) was suggestively starting a car race, another woman disrobes and climbs into a bath tub with her boyfriend, a horror film preview showed more naked bodies than clothed ones (the whole horror genre reeks of sexualized violence!), and an upcoming “comedy” included the naked backs of a dozen women in an apparent attempt at making an orgy seem, funny. All of that was in the previews for movies!

I haven’t heard about any boycotts concerning those movies, and several have already been released in theaters. Why not?

Here are a couple of thoughts: First, in our sex-saturated culture, we aren’t shocked by “normal” displays of immorality. My wife and I have enjoyed a few TV shows that we watch on Netflix, and over the years have been shocked by how often immoral relationships are glamorized and normalized on the screen. Scantily clad women seducing married men is just another day at the office. Crime scene investigators solving a mystery at a strip club just happens, and two wildly beautiful women making out in the back room of a hospital just doesn’t shock us. We’ve become conditioned to believe these things are “normal” and “ok”. 50 Shades of Grey sends shock waves because it supposedly takes acceptable perversion to a new level. Personally, I hope it helps point out how conditioned we’ve become to all forms of perverse entertainment.

Secondly, “intimacy” has become so public, we’ve lost sight of the beauty of sex. Any of the opponents to this weekend’s movie who cast a shadow of doubt on the beauty and sanctity of sex, are just as guilty of destroying intimacy as the actors and directors of the movie (or any of the movies described above). SEX IS AWESOME and is a magnificent expression of intimacy and oneness, given to us by God, to be enjoyed in the richness of marriage. Suggesting that sex (implied) shown on the big screen, is “courageous” or “the true meaning of erotic” flies in the face of the intimacy that should be shared between a husband and wife in their sexual lives together.

IMG_2305_2Traci and I have been married for over 18 years, and I can tell you that our enjoyment of sex hasn’t waned a bit, while our capacity to engage, satisfy and fulfill each other has improved dramatically. There is nothing boring about our bedroom, and the moments we share raptured in physical intimacy are frequent, thrilling and incredibly intimate.

In fact, I’ve come to believe that the sex-saturation of our culture has struck at the central nerve of sexual expression by destroying that key component: the intimacy that was meant to be shared between two married people. When sex is reduced to a show, to physical pleasure shared in a raunchy bar, to uncontrolled animalistic urges between two (or three or four ...!) out-of-control college students, to day-time frolicking between a stay-at-home mom and the neighborhood pool boy or a desperate business man preying on the availability of young naive female employees, it becomes nothing more than an urge like hunger, sleepiness or anger. And like those other urges, it is satisfied immediately in any way possible.

By contrast, intimate sex is one of the greatest gifts any two people can give each other in the context of marriage. Hebrews 13:4 states, “Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex” (The Message). Sex is honorable, beautiful, sacred and when it’s treated like that, it will become fun, satisfying and intensely intimate. That kind of intimacy is what has led to a deeper understanding and oneness between me and Traci, and has become a spiritual picture of our relationship with God. When sex is seen in its proper light, no book, movie or web site can satisfy the sexual longings like true, God-ordained intimacy.

Instead of partaking in someone else’s sex life this weekend (or any weekend!), indulge in yours, and work on your marriage-bed intimacy. Don’t let this culture rob you of the great joy of true oneness. Men, don’t give in to the temptation to believe that onscreen (movie, TV, phone, tablet or computer screen!) sex has any valid claim to your thoughts, or will ultimately increase your sexual pleasure. Women, don’t romanticize the sexual experiences and “love” of characters created to exploit your emotions. 50 Shades of Grey is just one example of a nearly endless barrage of attacks aimed at destroying the intimacy for which sex was given to us. Next week there will be another movie, another book or another TV show attempting to do the same thing.

Let’s root out the sources of sexual perversion in our lives, and work hard on our marriages. Overboard author, Steve Etner, has a great book and has developed a ministry particularly aimed at helping men who struggle with sexual temptation. At the bottom of this blog, you’ll see several other tools and resources available to help you (men or women) reclaim the true purpose and meaning of sex.

Choose to enjoy YOUR valentine this weekend...and next week...and next weekend...and...

Go ahead and take the plunge, life -- including your sex life! -- is always better on the water!

-----

I love the guys at www.xxxchurch.com, offering great help for men and women with sexual purity.

http://www.purelifeministries.org is another great site aimed at helping people work through their struggles with misplaced sexual values.

5 tips for better sex

joeacast

Let me just say that out of the gate, this is definitely a PG-13 blog post, intended for adults. The Overboard Life is supposed to include every part of our daily walk, including work, school, family, marriage, and yes, Overboard living applies to our sex life. So without apology, but with caution, I offer you an Overboard perspective on sex and intimacy on this Valentine’s Day, 2014. -----

So how does Overboard living apply to sex? It seems easy to think of the Overboard Life as we talk about faith and maybe even work and school, but really, sex?

Overboard living means stepping out in faith, trusting God with every part of our lives, and making it our business to conform to His business. For many, the idea of inviting God into one of the most intimate acts two people can share seems appalling and offensive. But the Creator of the universe is also the creator of relationships and the creator of sex! Inviting Him into the bedroom is as natural as the longing two people have for connection!

So how do we live Overboard when it comes to sex? Here are five idea:

  1. Remember that sex is about your spouse. Today’s culture turns sex into a “satisfy me” type of activity. The main purpose for many in this world is self satisfaction, pleasure, and the pursuit of other forms of sexual gratification. But the best sex isn’t found in pleasing oneself, but in creating deep and beautiful satisfaction for your spouse. And not just physical pleasure, but creating connection at an incredibly emotional and personal level. When we focus our sex on satisfying the total person of our spouse, we will find the greatest personal satisfaction, too.
  2. Stop being committed. I’m sick of people committing themselves to their relationships, it just doesn’t work. What? Seriously, how many times have you seen someone post on FB, “I’m in a committed relationship” only to see their status change a week or month or year later? Being committed to a relationship only lasts as long as we feel like we’re getting what we want out of it. Maybe it’s happiness, maybe it’s security or maybe it’s status. As soon as the benefit goes away, our desire to stay committed follows close behind. Stop being in a committed relationship and start being in a covenant relationship. A covenant relationship doesn’t rest on our feelings or the response of the other person, but rather, resting in our faith in God, a covenant relationship is a decision to pursue the good of another, first. Your sex life will reach a greater level of intimacy when you stop being committed and you start being covenanted to your spouse.
  3. Learn to communicate: For Traci and I, our sexual satisfaction improved significantly when we began to engage in serious conversation about the topic. Yes, we learned to talk about the physical experiences we enjoy or wanted to enjoy, but even more, we’ve learned to talk about our expectations regarding sex. During one conversation we worked-out some bedroom frustration we were both experiencing. What Traci thought was playful sexual teasing, I thought was an invitation for bedroom fireworks. She was confused as to why I was being so excited to hop in the sack, and I was confused as to why she suddenly seemed so cold! I know a lot of couples who continue to live with frustrations that could be resolved with some pretty simple, though potentially awkward, conversations. (want 4 tips on how to communicate about sex with your spouse? Click HERE!)
  4. sunsetCreate intimacy in other parts of your marriage. Intimacy doesn’t begin in the bedroom. You’ve maybe seen the book, Sex begins in the Kitchen? I haven’t read the book, but the title expresses the concept well: sex improves dramatically when we create intimacy in other parts of our marriage. My wife and I love being together and experiencing life as we covenant ourselves, first to God, and then to each other. Those experiences create a closeness that translates into a better sexual experience! When we open ourselves up to share in each other’s dreams, goals and hopes, as well as our hurts, heartaches and tough times, we deepen the bond that exists between us. The bond makes our sexual connection stronger and better. Traci has always loved Hawaii and yet it took me until our 10th anniversary to realize that helping her fulfill that dream, deepened our bond together. It wasn’t just a fun trip or experience for her, it was an act of intimacy building to help her fulfill a decades old dream. As a side benefit, we had some fantastic Island sex (I’m guessing Hawaii has had that benefit on a lot of marriages)!
  5. Just do it…God’s way. Ultimately, sex can never create a lasting, satisfying relationship, and especially not when we experience it apart from God’s plan. Sex was meant to be enjoyed (yes, God created pleasure as a key part of sex!) in the bonds of marriage, not in casual or even “committed” relationships. In marriage sex, we see a connection that exists between two people, and it’s the picture that God used to illustrate the intimate connection He wants with His people (Ephesians 5:31-32). That picture can’t exist when we slide from relationship to relationship, or choose to live without covenant. And If I choose to enjoy sex God’s way, that means I have to say no to sex that would take me outside of my marriage. I must fight the sexual temptations that exist with coworkers, pornography, old high school flames (unless you’re married to yours like I am!) or people that live their lives in contrast to God’s clear teaching. If I party with friends who don’t embrace God’s plan for sex, it won’t be long before I find myself in compromise. The creator of sex knows how it will best be experienced, and He chose marriage as the place where the greatest benefit, pleasure and intimacy of sexual union can be shared (Genesis 2:24).

The Overboard Life can be lived out in every facet of our relationship with God. Too often we think (or we live) our faith is just one small compartment of who we are, instead of extending it to each corner of our lives. Sex is a holy act when contained in the holiness of marriage. It is a beautiful expression of love and unity, and should be a richly satisfying and pleasurable experience. And God wants to be a part of your sex life, just as He wants to share in your parenting, your church attendance, your money and the way you conduct yourself at work.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life (and sex!) is always better on the water!

17 reasons our marriage works

joeacast

Today, my wife and I celebrate 17 years of being married. As with any marriage, there have been a few rough days -- but I’m blessed to say far more good and great days have marked our 6,208 days of marriage. So how do you make more good days than bad in a marriage? As I’ve thought about it, there are many reasons, and no easy formula. Obviously, if marriage was easy, 50% of them wouldn’t be ending in heart-breaking divorce. But like all our relationships, there are choices we make along the way that direct the outcome of our marriages. Choices to serve when  you don’t “feel like it”. Choices to love someone who is unlovely. Choices to grow through our own past garbage, and choices to surrender our selfish desires in order to honor and love someone else.

IMG_2305_2

So as I’ve reflected on my amazing wife and how we’ve thrived (not just survived!) in marriage the past 17 years, here are 17 reasons that our marriage has been great. I hope this will encourage you in your marriage, too (in no particular order!):

  1. Keep growing yourself: It’s so much more fun to point out your spouse’s faults than it is to identify yours and do something about them. Traci and I both strive to focus on each others’ strengths (not flaws!) while doing what it takes to grow in our own areas of needed growth. That’s why we’ve attended seminars together and separately, why we’ve attended counseling, worked with life coaches, read certain kinds of books etc… When we each grow personally, our marriage gets better.
  2. Create great memories: Traci and I work hard to create great memories for our marriage (and for our kids!). We have to think through different ways to experience this amazing world. Sometimes that means saving a few bucks here and there, sometimes it means not spending a dime -- either way, you can create great memories with just a little thought.
  3. Make God the most important person in your life: As a pastor I did a lot of marriage and pre-marriage counseling. In every instance I would remind couples of the same truth: The most important person in your life isn’t your spouse (or future spouse). The best marriages aren’t with the people who love each other the most, but instead, the best marriages belong to the couples who love God first, and then each other. When God is our number one, it’s possible to love others the way He loves us. When we try to love our spouse more than we love God, both our marriage and our Overboard Life gets out of whack. Keep God number one, and your marriage will be better! Jesus Himself said the most important law was to Love God with everything you’ve got…and the second most important law was to love others the same way. God first. Then others -- even your spouse.
  4. Laugh frequently: My wife and I experience a lot of laughter. We love to watch funny movies, funny plays and try hard to seek joy in the life that’s happening all around us! We give our kids freedom to be funny, and more-often-than-not, we laugh at spilled milk rather than get angry when the glass tips over. I’m confident my wife would tell you that joy has been a core value in our marriage.
  5. Give the grace you want to receive: All of us want grace given to us when we mess up, but most of us want “justice” when we’ve been wronged. I’ve counseled too many couples that were holding each other hostage with every word and every mistake in their marriage. God is an amazing grace-giver (see also: #3) and He expects us to do the same. Your marriage will be stronger when you offer your spouse the same grace you want them to offer you. Keep your list of wrongs short. Think of grace like many people do voting: give it early, give it often.
  6. Take chances together: Traci and I have rolled the dice a few times, but we have chosen to take those risks together. A few have turned out well (her Usana business, my publishing company), a few not-so-much (I know The 10-Day Journey can still work!!!). In her awesome blog, my wife loves to say that she hopes her life is a like a roller coaster. It has ups and downs, but when it’s all done, you’re laughing with your hands in the air, your hair is wind-blown and wild, and you can’t wait to do it again. Taking (reasonable) chances together has created some of the best memories (see also #2) we’ve made together.
  7. Share in your spouses dreams: Like taking chances, sharing in your spouse’s dreams is a huge way to draw closer together. It’s not that we always have the same dreams and goals together, it’s just that we are participating in one another’s passions. My wife will tell you her Usana business wouldn’t be where it is without me, but I don’t do many presentations with her, I don’t help recruit passionate entrepreneurs who want to change their income and their health and I don’t make her weekly business calls with her. I do listen when she talks. I help brainstorm. I watch kids while she’s gone. I encourage her to attend seminars and conferences even when that means I play Mr. Mom for a week. I help her with social media and tech. As she dreams about the future of her business, I’m her biggest fan! And believe me, the same is true for me and my dreams when it comes to her -- she is my biggest fan!
  8. Date EVERY week: Some of you who have heard us talk on this topic knew this one was coming! I am convinced that over the past 7 or 8 years, dating has become one of the most important parts of our marriage success. We date every week. When the kids were younger, often any extra money we had went to a baby sitter, so our date was walking around the mall with the elderly people who were out getting exercise. We had some great dates like that. Other times it has been a movie or dinner or hiking or bowling or working out or watching a play or learning a new game or watching a sunset or driving to a light house or…. be creative, and be committed. Date your spouse every single week!
  9. Get-a-way alone several times a year: Once a quarter, Traci and I take off for at least one night away and ditch the kids. When we lived near family, sometimes we’d have family take the kids for a night and we’d just stay home. Either way, we made it work so that we had a night without the kids. For the past 7 years, we’ve actually taken 1 week away without the kids, too. When I suggest that to many couples, they roll their eyes and say, “that’s impossible” or “our lives our too busy” or “our kids would never make it…” blah blah blah. We thought the same things when we first decided to make this an annual part of our marriage maintenance. We found out three crucial truths that proved us wrong:
    • Our kids actually enjoyed the week away, and looked forward to spending time with friends and cousins.
    • Our lives were too busy to not get away. The busyness of life makes our week away even more important!
    • It was hard work on both ends of the trip, but not only is it possible, it has become the highlight of each year
  10. Surprise your spouse regularly: Everyone loves surprises -- including your spouse. Surprise him with a romantic night at home. Surprise her with flowers. Shock him with tickets to the game. Watch her light up when you hand her a 4-hour spa get-a-way. Break up the routine with a surprise that’s sure to make their day.
  11. Let your pastor speak into your life: If you’re following through with #3, then this one will be much easier. Make sure your pastor has insights into your marriage and that you trust him for advice. It’s not that pastors are perfect, but often the insight he can give can stop a small irritation from becoming a marriage ending problem! Over 17 years of pastoral ministry has allowed me to see that some of the strongest marriages I saw were owned by people who listened to their pastors, and came to them for advice. Hebrews 13 offers strong words about protecting your marriage and listening to your pastors…not too surprising that both of these are in the same chapter.
  12. Write mushy letters, notes, emails and texts: Maybe you’re not a “writer” or you don’t like that “mushy” stuff. Whatever. Your letters aren’t being published, it’s an expression of your love for your spouse. And believe me, everyone loves to loved on. Be mushy. Say cheesy stuff. Share your heart. Send that suggestive pic in a text. Make your spouse blush in a board meeting when they glance at their phone. Create desire. Make her smile. Build him up. Use your words to convey your love and do this frequently!
  13. Take divorce off the table, now: After Traci and I had watched a couple of our friends choose to end their marriage in divorce, we made a commitment to take divorce off the table. It’s not an option for us. We have pledged to each other, and to our kids, that no matter what, we are going to make this marriage work. That means when problems arise, our solution is to find a solution, because dissolution of our marriage vows is not one of the options.
  14. Share adventures: Kind of like #6, adventures are opportunities to create memories (see #2) with your spouse. Tackle a challenge together (run a race, climb a mountain, swim across the Pacific Ocean…ok, that might be a little tough) so that you have to encourage and strengthen one another along the way. Lose weight together, work out side by side, start a business, start a ministry -- share in some mutual adventures and enjoy the richness of shared experiences.
  15. Develop healthy “other interests”: We all have other interests that our spouses don’t share. Make sure you other interests don’t pull you away from your spouse. I enjoy golf, playing basketball, watching baseball, reading and playing board games. My wife likes crocheting, reading, working out and shopping. When we each enjoy those other interests with healthy boundaries and in moderation, we don’t drive any wedges into our marriage or create time tensions that can be the source of arguments, fights and bitterness. When our other interests are disproportionately too big, our marriage suffers.
  16. Sacrifice self: You can’t really love some one fully, until you’re willing to surrender your own interests, first. In Philippians 2, the Bible describes Jesus’ love for us by pointing out that He was willing to put His own desires and interests second, to the Father’s. Then Paul urges us to live the same way and when you and I live like that in our marriages, a deeper love will flow than we knew was possible!
  17. Don’t be afraid/ashamed to ask for help: On more than occasion we’ve asked others for help in our marriage. We’ve gone to our pastor, a doctor, a life coach, trusted (godly!) friends and even our parents. We’ve participated in counseling, paid for marriage seminars and attended couples’ retreats. Marriage isn’t easy, and when you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help!

I’m so blessed with an awesome wife, and an amazing 17 year journey we’ve been on together. Not a perfect journey, but one I wouldn’t give up for anything. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can’t wait to see what God will do with us, and through us, as we seek to keep our marriage Overboard for Him!

Go ahead and take the plunge -- your marriage will be better on the water!

New cars, mayhem and sex: lessons from Superbowl commercials

joeacast

Yesterday’s Superbowl was a fun game to watch as a football fan. It had a lot of sports drama, some great action on the field, the officials called a consistent game and the winner was unknown until the clock hit 00:00. Super-Bowl-2013

As usual, I also found myself enjoying most of the commercials. In fact, this morning I though I’d offer up a few reflections about Overboard living from the Superbowl, based on what I saw during the commercial breaks.

1.  We love our stuff. Why are companies willing to pay $4,000,000 for a :30 second TV spot? Because they know we love our stuff. Cowboys, bikers and showgirls all racing to a Coke mirage is worth $16,000,000 in advertising because Coke knows we love our drinks! Cute babies in space, families having an awesome play date and a boy stealing a kiss at the prom is worth $12,000,000 because Kia, Audi and Hyundai know we love our stuff! (It worked on me. My wife and I will need a new vehicle in the next year or two and now we’re seriously looking at the new 7 passenger Santa Fe!)

The thing is, stuff is fine, but if we want to live the Overboard Life, we must be willing to live with stuff in its proper place in our lives. It’s so easy to let stuff take over, for stuff to become what matters most and to lose sight of the remarkable life God has for us. As we are packing for our move to Michigan, we are realizing just how much stuff we have and just how much we love our stuff. Selling, donating and throwing stuff away has already proved to be invaluable for our family, and we have a long way to go. But it’s good to have a season of making stuff less important, so that what is important can center stage.

2.  Someone at Allstate Insurance is a theologian! Did you see the Mayhem commercial? Wow! The Mayhem character has been interesting over the past couple of years, but during the Superbowl, Allstate gave us a theological lesson in Mayhem’s origin. Starting in the Garden of Eden, Allstate showed us that Mayhem’s origin (Adam and Eve’s original sin) has reeked havoc throughout history. Wars, natural disasters and political conflicts (including a humorous bit about a gift horse!) all the way down to car accidents, home disasters and replacement refs (ha ha) is a result of sin. (Or in this case, Mayhem).

[youtube=http://youtu.be/zjh2izUb0L8]

They nailed it. The consequences of sin are felt every day in this world. When we live Overboard, we are choosing to live remarkably, by God’s power, overcoming sin’s power. We don’t have it in us alone to live apart from our own flesh’s desire to sin, but with God’s help we can be victorious over sin and Mayhem!

3.  Sex still sells products. There were a couple of commercials that continue to prove that sex is still a great weapon in the arsenal of advertisers. It’s a sad reflection on our culture, though. Consider this: the Superbowl has become the largest sex trafficking event in the U.S. I read one story about a woman who was kidnapped (here in the U.S.!) and forced into the sex trade. She said on Superbowl weekend she would be asked to sleep with 20-25 men a night or face severe torture from her pimp. Often she was beaten, usually she was raped repeatedly for her “failure” to deliver. She said the worst punishment was having to watch the other women be tortured when they failed.

Sex is a beautiful gift from God, a true treasure given to mankind, that when used for the wrong purposes, has a powerful corrupting element to it. When you live the Overboard Life, you must choose virtuous living that opposes immorality and advocates for those who are oppressed by it. We cannot live Overboard and ignore the plight of those in need of justice and mercy. And of course, the greatest mercy we offer is sharing the love of Jesus Christ who shed His blood for our sins, that we might get to live eternally with Him in a perfect and Just future home.

I’m getting rid of more stuff. I’m trying hard to trust God for victory over sin. And I want to be used by God to bring justice where there is none, and to share the light of Jesus in the deepest places of darkness. I know I have a lot of growing to do, but I'm in process. What about you?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is better on the water!