Why I date my wife

If you have ever been with Traci and I when we’ve taught a couples’ class, or if you’ve sat through one of our weekend seminars, you know that we are big fans of dating! Before we were married we dated all the time. After we tied the knot, we dated quite a bit. When AJ, our first child, was born, we dated some, and then somewhere in-between AJ and BJ (about 14 months) our dating came to screeching halt. If you’re married, with or without kids, you know what I’m talking about -- life hits and dating suddenly isn’t much of a priority, it’s more like a luxury.

Shortly after BJ was born, I had one of those Ah-Ha moments, and I worked hard to start making dating a priority again. It wasn’t an easy task. and it often required lots of creativity because our budget was particularly tight, but we made it work. Ever since then, almost without fail, we have taken the time to date on a very regular basis (3-4 times every month).

Today we tell couples all the time, “You need to go on regular dates” and believe me, we have heard every excuse in the book for why that  “just won’t work for us.” Kids. Work. Working kids. In-laws. Out-laws. Bowling league (yes, there was actually a young man who dropped that one on me!). Tiredness. Online video games (don’t ask). No babysitters. No trusted babysitters. No money. Nothing to do. And on and on.

The old adage is true, “where there is a will, there is a way” and Traci and I know from

experience, you can make dating work every week, on any budget, all the time. Yes, we’ve swapped child care with friends so we could date. Yes, we’ve paid babysitters all our “discretionary money” and walked the mall or the park for a date. We’ve eaten out, we’ve eaten in (shipped the kids to grandma’s house), we’ve watched movies, we’ve watched people and we’ve gazed at the stars. What we’ve learned is that the actual date activity has very little to do with the value of the date, the date itself is what matters.

So why do I work so hard to date my wife? Here are 8 reasons and I hope it encourages you and your spouse to keep dating!

1. Dating reminds my wife that she is a priority in my life. Traci knows that she is a priority in my life, but dating lets her feel like a priority, too. When the calendar is cleared specifically so I can spend time with her, I’m reinforcing my commitment to her and to our marriage. Our dates are often a time for her to catch me up on the parts of mom-life that I don’t always see (see #4 below), and for her to get my input and feedback about challenges with our kids. When we date, she knows that my focus is on her (and her focus is on me), and that goes a long way in reinforcing how important our relationship is to me.
2. Dating reminds me that my wife is a priority in my life. Sometimes in the craziness of work, of juggling the kids’ schedules and trying to manage our routines, it can become easy for me to relegate my marriage to “I’ll work on that next week when I have more time...” Regular dating reminds me that the relationship I have with Traci is second only to my relationship with God.
3. Dating reminds my kids that my wife is a priority in my life. Sometimes our youngest daughter, CJ, will lament, “Are you guys going on another date?” I always laugh, and I always remind her, dating her mom is one of the highlights of my week. It makes our marriage better and also improves our parenting. In the future, I’m confident both of my girls will look for godly men who will date them long after they’ve said “I Do!” (Or said young men will be receiving a very unpleasant visit from their father-in-law!)
4. Dating allows us to communicate about things that often get neglected. Whether it’s a walk at the mall, dinner and a movie or a visit to a nearby ball park, date night is ultimately about Traci, and about our relationship, not about the activity. This gives us plenty of time to talk about things that often get neglected in marriage. We’ve spent dates talking about finances, dreaming about the future, talking about sex, working thru issues with the kids and even struggles in work or with her business. By making our dates regular, these discussions become an outlet, not a downer, and they often lead to problem-solving and confirmation that we’re on the same page.
5. Dating is just plain romantic. If you feel like there is little romance in your marriage, if you feel like the sexual connection you have is less than desirable, believe me, putting effort into regular dates should be high on your priority list! Dating puts you face-to-face with your spouse, allows you to walk hand-in-hand and helps build intimacy through the romance of being “out” together. I’m confident that when Traci and I started making dating a priority again (almost 12 years ago!), the romance returned stronger than ever.
6. [regular] Dating has forced me to be thoughtful and creative. If you date regularly, dinner and movie will only work for so long. First off, there aren’t that many good movies out in a year, and secondly, it can be a spendy night. Dating my wife on a weekly basis has really forced me (and her, since we take turns planning date night) to be thoughtful and creative about our dates. Now that we don’t live anywhere near family, overnight dates have been more challenging...but they still happen because of thoughtful and creative planning!
7. Dating tells others that our marriage is a priority. I love telling people, “Sorry, that night won’t work for [insert event invitation here] because that’s our date night.” Often, people respond with, “Wow...I haven’t been on a date with my spouse in years!” and it almost always leads to conversation about how to make it work. When other people see that we are committed to dating each other, they know we are committed to strengthening our marriage, and it encourages them to do the same!
8. Dating slows the pace of life for a few moments. When we date, we work hard to turn off the phones and “disconnect” for the time we have together. There is something special about slowing down for a few moments, and together, enjoying the world around us. When we date, we tend to find more pleasure in our relationship, but also in our work, in our children and even in our trials and hardships! Dating allows us to slow the pace of life and enjoy the views God has given us.

I hope you and your spouse are dating, and if not, this is a great time to start! Commit to a regular date even it starts at once a month or if you boldly step in to once a week. Your commitment to invest in your marriage will pay off, on your first date, AND in the years to come as you keep dating a priority. Take your spouse on a date this weekend!

Go ahead and take the plunge, life -- including your marriage! -- is better on the water.

6 months ago today...

I’ll never forget the moment. As we pulled out of my parents’ driveway, there were a lot of people seeing us off. My dad was comforting my sobbing mom, my sister and her kids all waved goodbye through tears and my brother and his family stood by as we headed out, alongside my brother-in-law, Ellen and several other friends from church. Inside the van, things weren’t much dryer, as none of us were really ready to say goodbye to so many great friends and family.

That day was March 16, 2013 and it was six month ago today that we began our move from Salem, Oregon to Lake Ann, Michigan.

The process that lead to that move can be read on previous blogs, but today as I look back over six months of living in Michigan, there are a few key lessons I’ve learned -- maybe these will encourage you.

The process of growth is often the product of growth

I think I often look as growth as a destination. I think, “once I get through [insert life-changing event here] I will be [enter superhuman power here].” As I look back over six months of life change here in Michigan I’m realizing that the process of growth is the product that I desire. In other words, what I am becoming is a direct result of how I work through the process of growing, not in where that process leads me.

Living in Michigan hasn’t changed me (although I’ve never worn so many hoodies throughout the summer months!), but the process of moving to Michigan has radically shaped my life. In fact, I think I could have gone through this process and ended up staying in Salem, and I would have experienced the same type of life change. The process of growth creates the change God is working in my life.

James said it this way, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials [aka: personal growth opportunities!] because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and compete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4)

Notice that it isn’t the victory over trials that James says produces growth, but rather, the working through them…perseverance!…that produces the character God wants to develop in us. The process of growth produces the life change God wants to perform in me. When I short-change the process, I short-change the end product.

It pleases God to bring joy to His children

I don’t know if it was the conservative church context I grew up in, or whether or not I simply missed it (and both are distinct possibilities), but somehow I grew up not understanding how much God delights in His children. Two times in the New Testament Jesus was said to be “full of joy,” and both instances occurred in relationship to His disciples (not to His own activity). All throughout the Scriptures, we are told about the joy of God in regards to His children.

In Jeremiah 32:41 God says to the prophet, “I will rejoice in doing them good…”  What a profound statement to think that God rejoices in doing good to His Children! If you have children, you totally understand Jeremiah’s words. There is something intensely joyful about doing something your children love. When you grant them a wish, when you give them a special gift, when you surprise them with blessing -- you smile almost as much as they do! How much more that Almighty Creator God, who knows you better than you know yourself! When He does good to you and to me, it is precisely what we need, and He rejoices.

In Zephaniah 3:17 we read, “I [God] will rejoice over you with gladness…” It seems almost redundant, but maybe that’s the point -- if you missed it the first time, please understand that God rejoices over you with gladness. Doesn’t rejoicing imply gladness? God is joyful, He is glad, to bless you with His resources.

We have been the recipients of God’s amazing blessing through this growing process. And while we know we could never earn His favor on our own (thank you Jesus for making it possible!), we marvel that God smiles and is glad to shower us with goodness. He hasn’t blessed us reluctantly, but joyfully. Somehow, that makes the gifts have even more value.

God’s path is always the best path

I know it’s nothing new, but this journey has reminded us to always seek the path of God. The Bible tells us many stories where the path of God seemed to be ‘off’ one way or the other, only to end up taking God’s people precisely where they needed to be, when they needed to be there. It seems that God is rarely early, and usually doesn’t give the most direct flights. However, He is never late, and what may appear to be a random series of layovers and stops, is actually the most direct travel for the process of growing.

I wouldn’t have chosen Michigan on my own. Honestly, I was looking at ministry on a small island near Maui. Seriously. But the journey God began for Traci and I didn’t start with Michigan as the end, and it didn’t start six months ago. We can look back five years and see how God started the work to prepare us for this leg of the journey. And whatever may lie ahead for us, I am certain of this truth: staying on this path that God has defined as our route, is always going to be best. (I may need to be reminded of that when the 5th month of winter rolls through!)

The Overboard Life is constantly in motion; not because we are constantly on the move, but because we must constantly be in the process of growing. It’s not always easy, nor is always fun, but the end product is worth the trouble. Are you growing? What has God brought into your life as an opportunity to be more of who He made you to be? Are you trusting His path? Are you rejoicing in goodness of God?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

Big Changes

For the last few minutes, I’ve been listening to some great songs by Jadon Lavik, Fernando Ortega and Aaron Shust (I love Pandora). It’s been a reflective, rainy afternoon, and Lavik, Ortega and Shust have been good companions. If you haven’t heard yet, my family is embarking on yet another great adventure. Starting April 1st, we will no longer be serving the Lord at Bethany Baptist here in Salem, and we will start serving Him through the ministry of Lake Ann Camp in Traverse City, Michigan. Bethany has been our home for the past twelve years, and the only church our children have known. This has been, without a doubt, the most difficult decision our family has ever made.

We love our church, and nothing has happened that is driving us away. We weren’t looking to leave and we certainly weren’t looking east. But when you strive to live the Overboard Life, God has a way of leading you into places you never imagined! I’ve written about following the Lord where ever He leads, and now God is giving us the opportunity to put that written belief into practice.

As we begin the process of packing up twelve years of life here in Salem, there are a lot of reflective moments like today. We have been so blessed by great friendships, incredible students in our ministry and ministry that was as much to us as it was from us. Together our family has shed a lot of tears in the process of making this decision, and many more are going to come.

But through it all we know that there is no better place to be, than on the path God has for us. As broken as we are about leaving Salem, we are equally thrilled about the opportunity that exists for us at Lake Ann Camp. God has tailor-made an opportunity for us to embrace in our new roll and we move east with excitement.

Thank you, all of you, for your amazing love and support. The journey that God gives us can’t be taken alone, and we certainly wouldn’t be on this one without the incredible love and support others have shown us. Walking on water in pursuit of Christ’s Kingdom is a team effort; a team we are proud to be a part of.

The journey has been remarkable, and we can’t wait to see how God unfolds the next part of our trip. Thanks for staying connected, and please -- keep us in the loop about your journey. Nothing encourages the Overboard Life like hearing stories of other travelers who have walked the same paths, or are currently walking in the same faith.

We are grabbing the sides and jumping overboard -- not because it’s easy, but -- because we know life is always better on the water!