A sappy birthday blog for my wife

Today, my beloved wife turns 43 years old. We have celebrated 19 of those years married, and 8 before that while we were dating. So 27 times I’ve Happy Birthdayed her, as a boyfriend, fiancé or husband. 43 isn’t one of those “milestone” birthdays, so it seems easy to sweep 43 under the carpet. I decided to make it a bigger deal by celebrating her birthday all week, and by writing this post to give you 43 reasons why I’m still crazy in love with my wife. Prepare to gag over the mushiness of this. Feel free to steal any of these words that you can use (however, do change the name “Traci” to the appropriate name in your situation) in your own relationships and of course, remember to bless the people in your life that have such meaning to you!

1. She experiences pure joy in Jesus. Traci knows her center for life is not me, not the kids and not her work...it’s in her relationship with Christ. And she always goes back to that place in the craziness of life.
2. She is fiercely loyal. Loyalty and commitment are deeply ingrained in Traci, and as a friend, lover, business owner and mom, she is loyal with those to whom she connects deeply.
3. She is full of laughter. My wife laughs a lot, and she brings a lot of laughter into our lives.

4. 

   She is a tad crazy. Traci has this fun and spontaneous side to her, and it creates great moments in our lives.

5. She understands our daughters. Cute little girls grow up to be teenage daughters who have complicated emotional lives, that complicate significantly around age 12. Traci gets it. (hallelujah...standing ovation...cheers...applaud...relief!)
6. She understands our son. Not only does she mom our daughters, but she has an amazing relationship with our son, too. He turns to her for advice and inspiration, and I know she’s modeled for him the type of wife he should look for some day.
7. She is athletic. One of the first qualities that attracted me to Traci back in high school, was her ability to participate in youth group games and be better than about 1/2 the boys.
8. She inspires others: Many of you reading this blog have been inspired by Traci and her writings, by her honest struggles with life, and by her victories. People look to her as someone to imitate.
9. She inspires me: I’ve lived with her for almost 19 years and she still, regularly, pushes me to new heights and into new challenges.
10. She is full of tears: I love that my wife is free with her emotions, and ok to cry with her own pain, share tears as she feels the pain and hurt of others and as she expresses worship and praise to God.
11. She is stunningly hot: When I think back to that first glance at her, in the late 80’s, with big hair and 90’s bangs, I remember how stunned I was by her looks. 27 years later, I’m more dazzled than ever, as I’ve come to understand that her outer hotness is matched only by her inner beauty. Inside and out, she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.
12. While we’re talking about hot, let’s just assume that numbers 12-15 would not be appropriate to share publicly. So wink-wink, nod-nod, snicker-snicker...she is the inspiration behind one of my more popular blogs, “5 ways to improve your sex life.” (go ahead and click the link...no judgment here!)
13. PG-13
14. PG-13
15. R
16. She works hard. You could never use the word “lazy” to describe my wife. Ever.
17. She dreams BIG! Our life and family dreams are significantly broader and deeper than they would be if it was just me dreaming them! Traci sees the greatness of God and believes deeply in HIS ability to lead His children into great things.
18. She rarely holds anything back. My wife will step into uncomfortable situations, and is willing to give it her all, regardless of the cost or the outcome.
19. She is unwilling to not grow. My wife is always reaching out for growth, always learning from God’s Word and is eager to become more of who God made her to be. She never stops growing and learning.

    

20. She knows how to rest. I love that my wife knows how to work hard, and I love that she knows how to rest and take care of herself.
21. She loves vacation. Traci takes a B+ vacation and makes it an A+. She takes a C- vacation...and makes it an A+. She loves taking our family time and making it better. And she’s very, very, good at it.
22. She loves being surprised. My wife loves being surprised by others. I pity my friends who have a spouse that HATES surprises, and actually, if they feel surprised by a weekend away, a special gift etc... are usually more upset (at least initially) than happy at the gift. I love surprising Traci with little and big things -- it doesn’t matter! -- because she loves being surprised and makes them extra special.
23. She cooks. If you and I are ever trapped in a building, and our survival depends on my culinary skills, we are both going to die of hunger. I’m grateful for my wife’s skills in the kitchen.
24. She manages our family well. Traci is the family organizer. She keeps us running smoothly, she manages appointments, she keeps a great calendar and even in the last season of life where we were homeless and out of schedule/routine, she managed us with excellence.
25. She has an unshakeable faith. No matter how dire things can get, Traci believes in the hand of God and in His ability to bring change to any situation.
26. She runs hard. Last October we ran our first 1/2 marathon, together. It was a metaphor for our lives then (and now), and one of my take aways was seeing the relentless nature of my wife emerge. She runs hard and she refuses to give up. I love her tenacity toward goals and dreams.
27. She listens well. I love that my wife listens. Not passively, but she actively listens to people. She cares about her relationships and she listens without the need to interrupt, offer unsolicited advice or cast judgment without knowledge.
28. She is wise. My wife will frequently tell me, “I wish I knew what to say when...” Truth is, she does know what to say, and knows when to say it. She knows how to process life experiences and how to give wise advice, not just what-you-want-to-hear isms.
29. She thinks I’m funny. Seriously, she still laughs at my jokes. She still smiles when someone in our house says “wrap” and I start rapping like MC Hammer.
30. She can, on occasion, be a tad clumsy. It’s a cute clumsy and it’s hilarious when it shows up.

31. 

    She can laugh at herself. #30 has led to a number of tear-enducing moments in our marriage..the laughter kind of tears.

32. She enjoys a simple life: My wife has a simplicity about the way she lives, and I absolutely love it.
33. She is a great communicator. Traci connects with people when she speaks in a public platform. It’s not just that what she says is good (which it is!), it’s that she says it in such a way that people connect with her and her message. She makes friends in her public ministry, just because people feel like they know her after she’s done sharing. When we teach together, I always marvel at the number of people who walk away feeling like Traci is their friend because of how she communicates.
34. She looks great in anything she wears: I love that she looks great in sweat pants and a baggy sweatshirt, as well as in her little black dress or business casual outfit. She can wear jogging shorts that always make me do a double take, or she can go full tilt for a night at the Magic Castle and wow me when she walks into the room.
35. She’s not afraid of trouble. Life is full of trouble and hardship. Traci doesn’t run from any of them and she isn’t afraid to face down whatever is right in front of us.
36. She knows me, and still loves me. No human knows me better than my wife, and even with that full knowledge, she loves me fully and blesses me beyond reason.
37. She sees things from a different angle. We can read the same Bible story, we can look at the same picture, and Traci sees things that I miss. Ok, I miss a lot, so that may not be that impressive, but she sees things that almost everyone misses. She has a great perspective on life.
38. She is my biggest fan. It doesn’t matter what I’m throwing myself into, my wife believes that I will find success. No matter what the odds, no matter how many frustrating walls I’ve smacked my head against, she believes that I will find a breakthrough.

    

39. She is passionate. While this certainly would include things back up in 12-15, it also includes life outside the bedroom. Traci is passionate about what she does, who our kids are and how God is working in and through our family. She approaches life, the highs and lows, with passion. Her passion is contagious.
40. She is humble. I’ve learned a lot from Traci’s humility in life. Her humility magnifies her beauty.
41. She is talented. She’s a great public speaker. She’s a talented pianist. She’s a great cook. She’s an excellent athletic, life and business coach. I could go on, just know that she’s incredibly talented.
42. She promotes our kids. Traci promotes our kids, challenges them to grow, knows when to push and knows when to pull them in close. She is an amazing mother.
43. She invests heavily in our marriage. My wife guards our marriage, protects her own heart and emotions and happily celebrates with me, the journey we’re on.

I feel like I’m just warming up, so I guess she’ll just have to keep having birthdays so that I can keep adding to this list.

I am a blessed man, more than these words could ever express. I’m sure many of you feel the same about your families, your marriages, your friendships or about some other relationship in your life. Celebrate those people in your life, be sure to tell them how much they mean to you and my God fill you with an overflowing joy through the people closest to you.

Go ahead and take the plunge, your relationships will always be better on the water!

Death still stinks.

A couple days ago, Traci and I attended the funeral of a friend. Pastor John Gleason died, in his mid-50s, of a freak water accident. He was, by human standards, taken while in the prime of his ministry. Several hundred people attended this service, and the scope of influence his ministry had was broad and touching. This isn’t the first time I’ve written about death, and unfortunately, it won’t be the last. Death is a grim reality in this life, one that all of us must face in relationship to others, and in relationship to our own mortality. Reflecting on someone else’s death gives a chance to evaluate our own lives, and to consider the influence we’re having on those around us. I certainly found myself doing that as John’s service unfolded.

During part of the ceremony, several people shared stories of Pastor Gleason’s influence in their lives. While he pastored a smaller congregation, you wouldn’t have known that by the large number of people in attendance at his funeral. And story after story reflected the same two themes: John loved God and John loved others.

There were several humorous moments, and of course, not a dry eye in the place when his son shared about the love he received from his father. But through it all, funny or touching, obscure or enriching, the same themes of love emerged. Love for his wife and children. Love for the people in his church even those who had walked away from the Lord. Love for the prisoners he visited each week in jail. Love for children. Love for music and using it to bless others. And most of all, a deep, rich and unquenchable love for God.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I forget how simple it is. When Jesus was asked to explain the most important laws and rules His people should follow, He broke down His answer into two simple categories: Love God, and love others.

“Jesus replied [to the question]: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. and the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

Jesus went on to explain that everything in God’s Law hangs on those two themes. In other words, our lives can be measured by how well we love God and love others. Our decisions can be weighed by how much they reflect a love for God or a love for others. If you break down the Christian experience to its most basic form it boils down to these two questions: How well do you love God? How well do you love others?

Based on my experience with Pastor John Gleason, and confirmed by the myriad of testimonies I heard about his life, he excelled in both. And as I reflected on his life, his sudden death and the mark he left in this world, I wondered how I was doing in loving God and loving others. How are you doing?

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

p.s. The more I’ve thought about John’s life the more I realize that one of the ways that he loved people, was by having time and being available. I know John was busy, but it never felt like he was busy when you met with him. He always had time, and he never seemed rushed to get away from a conversation or relationship. He was a good listener. How can you show love for others today? Maybe by applying one of John’s principles to your interactions with the people around you:

1. Take time to invest in relationships
2. Don’t be rushed into, or out of, conversations
3. Listen intently

Mistakes Leaders Make (2/10)

I’m working my way through a book, The Top 10 Mistakes Leaders Make, by Hans Finzel, and I’m really enjoying the challenge. So for the next ten Saturdays I want to work through these ten mistakes, knowing that they apply to CEOs, ministry leaders, parents, teachers, coaches, pastors and just about anyone in any kind of leadership role. I promise to keep my summaries short(ish), and I would love to interact with your thoughts as we go along. These mistakes are listed in order of how they occur in the book, not necessarily how I would arrange them. Overboard Leadership requires an honest self-evaluation of each of these shortcomings (sins?) of leaders. (Looking for missed posts, Mistakes Leaders Make (1/10))

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Mistake #2: Putting Paperwork before peoplework

I love what Hanz states about this mistake: “The greater the leadership role, the more important ‘peoplework’ is. People are opportunities, not interruptions.”

As an owner of a publishing company I deal with lots of paperwork, physical and digital. As a parent I process thousands of emails, flyers, posters, parent-newsletters and school awards every year! It’s easy to become obsessed with organizing, filing, storing, accessing, and admiring paperwork. And paperwork is important, but...and that’s a BIG but...not early as important as the people connected to it.

Why do some leaders prefer to process paper/data/to-do lists and more? It’s pretty simple and you Type-A’s know this is true (Ha!):

1. Observable results are more fun than trying to cultivate relationships
2. Tasks easily allow you push aside small talk
3. Because the material world dominates the immaterial world
4. Often you feel judged by what you do, not by who you are
5. Personality preferences
6. Relationships don't easily fit your deadline, task-oriented mentality.

(You could reverse each of these and come up with reasons why relationship oriented people like me don’t accomplish our paperwork in a timely fashion!)

Generally, when paperwork trumps peoplework, it’s because people are viewed as interruptions and distractions, instead of opportunities. But people are the heart of almost every organization, family, school or business. Without people, your cause/ministry/team dies. An orchestra plays the music, but without the people, the paper with the notes is meaningless. Carlo Maria Giulini, former LA Philharmonic conductor is quoted as saying, “My intention always has been to arrive at human contact without enforcing authority...What matters most is human contact. The great mystery of music making requires real friendship among those who work together. Every member of the orchestra knows I am with him and her in my heart.”

Couldn’t we say that the real mystery of any industry/team/family requires friendship among those who work together? I’d love to believe that great things can be done for God by people who don’t get along, but the reality is that God’s work, in the long-haul, is short-circuited when God’s children don’t get along.

As most of you know, I'm a relationship guy, so while I make plenty of mistakes as a leader, this generally isn't one of them. My buddy and contributor to these posts, Justin VanRheenen, founder of Kaleo Media, offers these insights for task-oriented people like himself:

Kaleo Korner

3 Ways to be more people oriented

Use your planning skills as a strength. This begins with your email inbox. More time is wasted in a day because of email. Kaleo Media spends only two hours a day in email, AT MOST. That’s one hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon (generally 10am and 3pm). Rule of thumb is to get the email out of your inbox. I believe that having 2000+ emails in your inbox will kill you faster than eating a pound of bacon everyday. To help you empty your inbox, choose an email client you like. This is incredibly hard. Every client has its own perks. Don’t use an email client that overwhelms or distracts you getting stuff done.

Kaleo Media uses Mail Pilot because it allows you to organize and get email out of the inbox fast. Inbox Zero is the most genius way to get your inbox to zero. It's not for everyone, but very effective. I've been using SaneBox, a paid service, for three years. It moves only the important emails to my inbox and creates a few other folders (SaneLater and SaneNews) for all the other stuff. It also helps you unsubscribe from newsletters you don’t read. It even learns what emails are important.

Take ten minutes of every hour to get out from behind your desk and go have a conversation. Not only is this good for your health to get up and walk around but it helps refocus your mind, invest in those working with you, and gives you a break from staring at a computer screen or book or spreadsheet.

Relationships are ALWAYS greater than deadlines. We live in a society that places progress over relationships. But what I’ve tried to do for Kaleo and my clients is build relationship time into contracts, because I would rather go into your shop and spend quality time with you for a couple hours than bounce emails back and forth. This helps me get a bigger picture of what we are accomplishing and helps me be a raving fan of your product. A phone call or drop-in is ALWAYS better than a text message or email if you can help it.

This isn’t to say paperwork is an important or unnecessary aspect of leadership, but rather to ask the question: What’s your primary focus as a leader? I love the story of Jesus and His disciples trying to move from one ministry location to another, when a woman, suffering from severe menstrual bleeding reaches out to touch Jesus robe, hoping to be healed. Jesus halted the procession and says, “Hey, somebody just touched me!” Peter’s response is awesome: “Of course someone just touched you! We’re in a crazy mob-like crowd and hands are everywhere! Let’s keep moving!”

But to Jesus, peoplework trumped paperwork. He stopped everything until he found the woman whose faith was so strong. I wonder how often we leaders ignore the touch of others, the requests of others and the need of others in order to finish our tasks? As Hans writes repeated, “Only through association is their transformation.” Let’s associate more with the people we lead.

How well are you balancing paperwork and peoplework in your family? In your work? On your team? In your school? We can’t just ignore our tasks or the paper trail we’re a part of, but has it subtly taken charge of your life? Are you finding your identity in what you do or who you are? Do you see people as interruptions or opportunities? Jesus stopped, met with people, talked to people, touched sick people, played with children and in general, believed that transformation and association went hand-in-hand. How about you?

I’m fully convinced, the greater the leadership task in front of you, the more critical it is for you to hone your peoplework skills!

Go ahead and take the plunge, your leadership will be better on the water!

Mistakes leaders make, 3/10

Dirty words.

It’s not a 4-letter word, but to many, “accountability” is still a dirty word. When I was younger, I think I worried that accountability showed some sort of weakness in my person or character. As I aged, I realized...it did! However, embracing accountability not only exposes my flaws, it also reveals a great strength: humble recognition that I can’t do this life on my own. If I am going to achieve my best, it will happen because of the help and influence of others.

Accountability is huge for my success, and I can confidently say it’s huge for yours, too. Here are a few ways accountability is working in my life:

1. My computer is armed with software to help protect me and my family -- and keep me on track -- while surfing the web. That software reminds me that everything I’m doing on the web needs to be God-honoring.
2. I wear an "Up" health band. Up records my exercise and sleep each day, then posts it online for my wife and friends to see. (If you’re using “Up” by Jawbone, add me to your team. (@joeacast)
3. Now that I’m working more from home, my wife is able to see my work each day. She can see when I’m loafing or when I’m working too much. Just last week she helped me see that I was totally blowing off the kids to finish a couple of encouragement notes to others. How ironic, I’m trying to encourage other people, and neglecting my own children to do it. Hmmmm.
4. This blog has some built-in accountability. When I’ve missed a posting day or two (I usually post on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays) it’s not uncommon to get a call, text or email form someone wondering if everything is ok. I cringe when I get one of those notes and I don’t have anything going, but the accountability is good and helps me work hard to stay ahead of the game.
5. When I travel, or when my wife travels and leaves me home, I have a couple buddies who call and make sure I’m doing ok. These guys want to see me be successful, and they are eager to help me make sure I’m making the most of my time.
6. I have another couple friends that ask me about my marriage quite frequently. They ask if I’m honoring my commitment to date Traci regularly. Especially during this particularly stressful season of life, they’ve been asking about our marriage and whether or not I’m doing my job to provide for, and take care of, Traci.
7. When I’m working on a book, I set up a small team of people to help me meet my writing goals. They know my schedule and my deadlines, and they pray for me along the way, and ask keep me track.

The reality is that all of us need help in this life, and God has hard-wired us for relationships in order to find that help. From day one, He gave Eve to Adam (and Adam to Eve!) and all throughout Scripture you find the value and power of teamwork, friendship and accountability. So what happens when we don’t have that accountability?

1. We treat people as property, and leave a wake of damaged relationships in our past. People without accountability often have few real friends and use their work as a shield to hide their insecurities or arrogance (or both). It’s hard to maintain good relationships when you live life without the input of others.
2. We fall behind in our work, as no one is around to ask about details, confirm deadlines or even know what we’re working toward. A stay-at-home mom, a CEO, a college student or a Southern California pool boy can become lazy and ineffective, addicted to Netflix or video games, a busybody or micromanager when they live without meaningful input from others.
3. We blame others for our failures, because no one in our lives is giving us the perspective we need. I’ve known too many leaders who operate without solid accountability, and they are professional blamers when it comes to organizational short-comings because it’s easier to blame a subordinate then it is to see yourself as the problem (or at least part of the problem). My lead pastor in Salem, Oregon, set a stellar example of submitting himself to accountability. More than once I saw him listen as a member of the Elder board, or a member of the congregation, confronted or challenged him on something related to his leadership. He was always willing (and eager!) to learn from those moments, and able to admit his own flaws when necessary. Accountability allowed him to see mistakes or shortcoming he maybe couldn’t see himself. That’s a good thing!
4. We put up a front that hides major problems behind. As a pastor in the Pacific NW for almost 17 years, and now having served in Michigan for over two, I’ve seen too many ministries fall apart because a pastor held up a great facade while his marriage or personal purity or financial integrity was in shambles. When no one is asking us the hard questions, it’s too easy for us to hide the trash.
5. We never realize our true God-given potential, because that potential is connected to the relationships God has given us. Leaders fail to get their organizations to their goals, marriages never reach the intimacy either spouse desires, families live in constant tension and people settle for ordinary lives because they neglect accountability.

Do any of those items resonate with you? If so, you might be lacking accountability in some area(s) of your life. Trust me, you can’t live the Overboard Life without the help of others, so the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can begin moving toward the goals, and ultimately toward the life, God has given you.

When I look at this list I know I’ve been guilty of each of these byproducts of living life without accountability. I’m thankful for the men and women who’ve stepped up to help me, for the ones who said yes when I asked, and for the ones who simply invited themselves into my life. In each case, the accountability has helped me live my God-designed life out of the comfort of the boat.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water.

Why I date my wife

If you have ever been with Traci and I when we’ve taught a couples’ class, or if you’ve sat through one of our weekend seminars, you know that we are big fans of dating! Before we were married we dated all the time. After we tied the knot, we dated quite a bit. When AJ, our first child, was born, we dated some, and then somewhere in-between AJ and BJ (about 14 months) our dating came to screeching halt. If you’re married, with or without kids, you know what I’m talking about -- life hits and dating suddenly isn’t much of a priority, it’s more like a luxury.

Shortly after BJ was born, I had one of those Ah-Ha moments, and I worked hard to start making dating a priority again. It wasn’t an easy task. and it often required lots of creativity because our budget was particularly tight, but we made it work. Ever since then, almost without fail, we have taken the time to date on a very regular basis (3-4 times every month).

Today we tell couples all the time, “You need to go on regular dates” and believe me, we have heard every excuse in the book for why that  “just won’t work for us.” Kids. Work. Working kids. In-laws. Out-laws. Bowling league (yes, there was actually a young man who dropped that one on me!). Tiredness. Online video games (don’t ask). No babysitters. No trusted babysitters. No money. Nothing to do. And on and on.

The old adage is true, “where there is a will, there is a way” and Traci and I know from

experience, you can make dating work every week, on any budget, all the time. Yes, we’ve swapped child care with friends so we could date. Yes, we’ve paid babysitters all our “discretionary money” and walked the mall or the park for a date. We’ve eaten out, we’ve eaten in (shipped the kids to grandma’s house), we’ve watched movies, we’ve watched people and we’ve gazed at the stars. What we’ve learned is that the actual date activity has very little to do with the value of the date, the date itself is what matters.

So why do I work so hard to date my wife? Here are 8 reasons and I hope it encourages you and your spouse to keep dating!

1. Dating reminds my wife that she is a priority in my life. Traci knows that she is a priority in my life, but dating lets her feel like a priority, too. When the calendar is cleared specifically so I can spend time with her, I’m reinforcing my commitment to her and to our marriage. Our dates are often a time for her to catch me up on the parts of mom-life that I don’t always see (see #4 below), and for her to get my input and feedback about challenges with our kids. When we date, she knows that my focus is on her (and her focus is on me), and that goes a long way in reinforcing how important our relationship is to me.
2. Dating reminds me that my wife is a priority in my life. Sometimes in the craziness of work, of juggling the kids’ schedules and trying to manage our routines, it can become easy for me to relegate my marriage to “I’ll work on that next week when I have more time...” Regular dating reminds me that the relationship I have with Traci is second only to my relationship with God.
3. Dating reminds my kids that my wife is a priority in my life. Sometimes our youngest daughter, CJ, will lament, “Are you guys going on another date?” I always laugh, and I always remind her, dating her mom is one of the highlights of my week. It makes our marriage better and also improves our parenting. In the future, I’m confident both of my girls will look for godly men who will date them long after they’ve said “I Do!” (Or said young men will be receiving a very unpleasant visit from their father-in-law!)
4. Dating allows us to communicate about things that often get neglected. Whether it’s a walk at the mall, dinner and a movie or a visit to a nearby ball park, date night is ultimately about Traci, and about our relationship, not about the activity. This gives us plenty of time to talk about things that often get neglected in marriage. We’ve spent dates talking about finances, dreaming about the future, talking about sex, working thru issues with the kids and even struggles in work or with her business. By making our dates regular, these discussions become an outlet, not a downer, and they often lead to problem-solving and confirmation that we’re on the same page.
5. Dating is just plain romantic. If you feel like there is little romance in your marriage, if you feel like the sexual connection you have is less than desirable, believe me, putting effort into regular dates should be high on your priority list! Dating puts you face-to-face with your spouse, allows you to walk hand-in-hand and helps build intimacy through the romance of being “out” together. I’m confident that when Traci and I started making dating a priority again (almost 12 years ago!), the romance returned stronger than ever.
6. [regular] Dating has forced me to be thoughtful and creative. If you date regularly, dinner and movie will only work for so long. First off, there aren’t that many good movies out in a year, and secondly, it can be a spendy night. Dating my wife on a weekly basis has really forced me (and her, since we take turns planning date night) to be thoughtful and creative about our dates. Now that we don’t live anywhere near family, overnight dates have been more challenging...but they still happen because of thoughtful and creative planning!
7. Dating tells others that our marriage is a priority. I love telling people, “Sorry, that night won’t work for [insert event invitation here] because that’s our date night.” Often, people respond with, “Wow...I haven’t been on a date with my spouse in years!” and it almost always leads to conversation about how to make it work. When other people see that we are committed to dating each other, they know we are committed to strengthening our marriage, and it encourages them to do the same!
8. Dating slows the pace of life for a few moments. When we date, we work hard to turn off the phones and “disconnect” for the time we have together. There is something special about slowing down for a few moments, and together, enjoying the world around us. When we date, we tend to find more pleasure in our relationship, but also in our work, in our children and even in our trials and hardships! Dating allows us to slow the pace of life and enjoy the views God has given us.

I hope you and your spouse are dating, and if not, this is a great time to start! Commit to a regular date even it starts at once a month or if you boldly step in to once a week. Your commitment to invest in your marriage will pay off, on your first date, AND in the years to come as you keep dating a priority. Take your spouse on a date this weekend!

Go ahead and take the plunge, life -- including your marriage! -- is better on the water.

Three thoughts for the weekend

It was a big show down. Me and two of my buddies, Joe T and Terry K, were going to meet up with three other guys to settle a big dispute. It was a proverbial “meet me at the flagpole” kind of event, and there was no turning back now. You could almost hear the eerie music playing in the background, the spurs on our boots rattling as we walked to the middle of town for a big shoot out. That’s what it felt like.  

You see, Terry had heard that Larry had something some bad about me. So now it was time to confront the talk. Basically, I told Larry, “I dare you to say it to my face!” and so we agreed at a set time to meet on the playground for this face-to-face confrontation to take place.

Now, at this point in my life, I had never actually been in a fight, and in fact, to this day in my life, I have never been in a real fist fight. Larry was short but strong, had been in lots of fights, and honestly, this was going to end badly for me. I think Terry and Joe came for moral support, and to be able to tell my mom that I died in glorious fashion at my own O.K. Corral.

We waited around a few minutes but Larry never made an appearance. By the grace of God, Larry had gotten in trouble in Mrs. Zioski’s class and had to stay in for recess. I lived another day, and by lunch we had decided that Larry wasn’t worth the trouble (ie. I didn’t want to go through life with my nose attached to my ear) and we all (including Larry) played football in our afternoon recess.

I talked a good game, especially when Larry wasn’t around, but truth is, I never ever mocked Larry for not showing up. It’s so easy to destroy people with our words in front of others, or on social media or through texting, but another thing entirely to do it when they are in our presences, especially if we feel threatened. Talk is easy.

Check out this piece by Jimmy Fallon involving Seattle Mariner baseball star, Robinson Cano. Last year, Cano played for the NY Yankees, but was traded to Seattle in the off-season. As the Mariners were getting ready to head to NY for Robinson’s first visit back to NY after being traded, Fallon thought it would be funny to let NY Yankee fans practice their booing. So Jimmy set up a cardboard cut out of Cano in a park, then invited Yankee fans to demonstrate their booing techniques. What happens next is hilarious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0b9rOji_PWY

You see, before Cano actually showed up, it was easy to bad-mouth him and talk badly about his character, his skill and his decision making. But the minute Robinson appeared, everybody’s tone changed. They offered man-hugs, high fives and even encouragement when they were facing the real Cano instead of the cardboard Cano.

So what do we learn about this video? Here are three thoughts for this weekend about our words around others:

Gossip will always come back to bite you: If you enjoy berating people behind their backs or blasting them through passive aggressive facebook posts (“some people I work with are complete idiots” was on my FB feed this week!) just know that it will always come back to bite you. Gossips are always easy targets for gossip. It’s just a fact of relationship: people who listen to gossip are the people who share gossip, and they are non-discriminate. In other words, when they hear gossip about you, they’ll spread it just like any other news. I always chuckle when one of my kids is involved in a circle of gossip, and then are crushed when they become the subject of someone else’s gossip. I always remind them that gossip is a sin (1 Timothy 5:13) and that people who gossip don’t care who it’s about! Gossip will always come back to bite you.

Ending gossip is easy: If you want to put an end to family or office gossip, it’s easy: stop participating. Don’t spread it. Don’t listen to it. Don’t pay any attention to those that gossip. I promise you that soon people will take you out of the loop and you won’t find yourself having to do the socially awkward political dance when you see people that you’ve heard gossip about. You know what else will happen? You will attract people to you who share your same anti-gossip conviction. There is something awesome about not having to worry about what everyone else is saying, and instead, having meaningful conversations and relationships. In reality, gossip is one of the ultimate forms of not caring for someone enough to do anything to help them, choosing instead, to just talk about their character flaws or personal mistakes. We end gossip when we begin to genuinely care for those around us.

Practice first-person problem solving: Ending gossip doesn’t mean ignoring real problems. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Ending gossip means confronting problem first-person style! Instead of airing out my problems online or at the office water cooler, I deal with relationship issue the way Matthew 18:15-17 tells me to: person-to-person. If I have an issue with you, I go to you. If I was offended by something you said, I take it up with you. If you don’t like how I’m leading the business, you come to me. If you think I was sarcastic and cut you down in public, you take it up with me. By following God’s plan for problem solving we eliminate the place for gossip and we create peace instead of tension.

Telling a cardboard cut-out how you feel about it is easy; telling someone face-to-face is hard. Let’s not be like angry NY Yankee fans when it comes to personal conflict but instead, let’s follow the path the Bible lays out for us and choose God’s path for problem solving.

There is no gossip out side of the boat, so go ahead and take the plunge -- life is better on the water!

Little sisters and other dangers of family

On August 1st, 1975, my chances of being the baby of the family ended abruptly. In a rather dramatic and quite rapid birth, my sister made an appearance as, not only the baby of the family, but as the only girl among three boys -- the proverbial “rose amongst the thorns.” Thus I was relegated to cheerful third born, and not spoiled last sibling.

While my sister may disagree that she was spoiled (the opinions of her three older brothers would stand in stark contrast to her own!), she was a blessed addition to our family. Yes, she may have been tortured by her older siblings. Yes, we may have shared a few laughs at her expense. Ok, ok, ok, I wasn’t always the kindest to my sister, but that too, was part of God’s work in my life.

In high school, Naomi and I couldn’t share the single bathroom in my parents house. (We disagreed strongly over usage times, and to this day, even after 17 years of being married to a woman, I still can’t figure out what takes girls so long in the bathroom!) The bathroom was just the battlefield where our disagreements emerged. I know I would antagonize her, and I think there was a time or two she might admit she was just arguing for the sake of a fight, too. My relationship to her was not pretty through the high school years.

It was during college, however, that I started to realize the problem wasn’t my sister -- the problem was me. As much as I wanted to blame her for taking up too much morning time in the bathroom, or be mad at her different perspective on promptness, the reality was that I was impatient, often unfair and frequently unkind. My sarcasm was sharp and hurtful. I still remember the day I sat down at my roommates word processor (any one remember those?) and wrote an apology letter to my sister. While I certainly hadn’t showed it, I actually longed to have a better relationship with her.

At the time, I was attending school in Iowa and when I got home for the summer, my sister and I did something we hadn’t done in years: we hung out together. We drove the hour drive from Salem to Portland and visited the zoo. We had a great time. I found out that my sister was absolutely hilarious and afterward, I met her boyfriend (future husband) for the first time. I’m thankful my sister was so gracious.

To this day, I’ve never forgotten what I learned from the frustration I used to feel toward my sister. Up until I wrote that letter in college, I always blamed her for the angst I felt; I never once thought that the source of the problem could rest with me.

Yet, that’s how most of us live. When conflict comes, we tend to blame those we’re in conflict with and rarely look to our own involvement. When we do look inward, it’s usually followed with a big “but” (I know I was mean, but....) I’m glad my sister and I were able to begin working on our brother/sister relationship. We still don’t always see eye-to-eye, but I love her and her family, and am so thankful that we enjoy spending time together and having our kids hang out together. She is an amazing mom and wife, and she is an awesome sister.

From the first day God put humans on the planet He did something amazing -- He connected them to each other. Adam wasn’t supposed to live alone, and even after Eve came on the seen, the two of them weren’t left alone for very long, either! We were created to be in relationships, first with God and then with one another.

And the reality of those relationships is this: they will experience hardship and brokenness because we live in a fallen world. None of us are perfect, and we bring our imperfections into every relationship we have. And when two imperfect people get connected (husbands/wives, brothers/sisters, neighbors) the possibility for struggle rises exponentially. So when I run into conflict with another human being, I have to remember that my imperfections are part of the problem, too, not just theirs!

I’m confident that’s why in the New Testament there are at least 32 different “One another” commands. Those “One Another” commands remind us to look through the imperfections of others, to try and acknowledge and work on our own, and to put the love and grace of God into practice. Here are a few of those commands, any of them resonate with you?

Love one another

Forgive one another

Be kind to one another

Build one another up [with your words]

Encourage one another

Pray for each other

Spur one another on to love and good deeds

Be compassionate with one another

Submit to one another

Bear each others burdens

Family is a great place to practice living out the one another commands of Scripture. I’m sorry it took me so long to learn that with my sister, but I’m thankful the last 20 years has been much better than the first 20 that I knew her. If you want to live an Overboard Life, you’ll have to come to the same realization I did -- relationship problems are a two-way street, and if you’re on the street, you’re part of the problem. We can’t fix others, (No, this isn’t an excuse to let others be cruel or unkind, and it’s not an excuse to be some one else’s doormat!) but we can resolve to live how Jesus wants us to, regardless of the response of others. As we say to our own children all the time, “Your response, is your responsibility.”

Is there a relationship you can work on today? Is there someone that you've cut off because you weren't willing to see your part in the problem? What "one another" command could you put into practice today? We were made for relationships, so let's work to make them the best they can be!

4 down, 36 to go.

Go ahead and take the plunge, relationships are always better on the water!

Why you need to have that tough talk!

By Joe Castaneda I think most people know that life is fullest when we live, and experience it with people we love. It’s not that we don’t love our down-time, and our solo journeys, but even those times are enjoyed more when we return and share them with other people. I have several friends who love solo-adventures in hiking, touring and even in their world travel. But they always post their pics on facebook, they send shout-outs to friends on Instagram and Twitter and they are engaging friends in their journey, because life is fullest when we share it with others.

The problem with sharing life’s journeys is that people can be a pain! Nothing can disrupt your life, ruin your morning or suck the joy from your soul more than people! So while we love sharing life with others, we also know that others can bring the biggest challenges in our lives.

There are two responses to the conflicts we have with others. The first generally involves blaming, occasionally some name-calling, a lack of grace and/or personal understanding (although this response is can often be masked in martyrdom, making it appear like a healthy does of grace!), often encourages avoidance, the holding of grudges and is almost always rooted in fear, hurt, reactionism and a lack of forgiveness. This is the response of victimhood.

The other response involves owning ones part, never name-calling and is filled with grace out of the recognition that we all make mistakes. This second response encourages engagement, quick forgiveness and is rooted in faith, love and pro-action*. This is the path of personal responsibility, and the path for anyone wanting to live the Overboard Life.

Nobody likes confrontation, but if you’ve been avoiding that hard conversation with someone, you’ve been living in victimhood! In Matthew 18 Jesus gave some incredibly clear teaching about personal conflict, and His teaching requires us to embrace our responsibility in a matter, and to have hard conversations. In the passage Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone...” Notice the responsibility for engaging in the tough conversation rests with the one who has been offended, the one who has been hurt.

Victims love to sit back and wait for the resolution to come to them, but Jesus says the one who has been sinned against, is the one who should initiate the restoration process. Why? I think it’s because when we don’t take care of those issues, they turn from little things, into big things. Marriages don’t usually end because of just one event. Marriages that end in divorce usually end because a bunch of little things turn into some big things, and soon, what maybe could have been mended through a couple of meetings with a counselor or pastor, now can’t be mended with years of outside help. Friendships don’t usually end with one offense. Instead, years of friendship can be brought to a halt after a pattern has developed of responding in victimhood (silence, martyrdom, lies “Oh, it’s fine, that didn’t bother me...”) to those interpersonal conflicts.

Obedience to Jesus’ words can bring healing today, so that the hurts of the future will require stitches and a bandaid, and not relational amputation! Is it easy? Not usually! Is it best? Always!

Here are few other nuggets that will help you have those difficult conversations:

1. Make sure you check your own heart and actions in the matter: Jesus once told a group of people to “Take the plank out of your own eye, so that you can see the speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye.” In other words, make sure you’ve taken care of your own business before you try to help someone else with theirs. What a visual picture! Can you imagine some guy walking around with a six foot long, 2x4 sticking out of his eye? Then he clumsily comes walking up to you and says, “Whoa bro, you’ve got some sawdust in your eye hole, let me help you get that out.” That’s ridiculous. Make sure you’re not plank guy, trying to help sawdust guy. Sawdust guy needs help, but first, get that plank taken care of! 2. Be ready to forgive. When we approach someone with a hard conversation, be ready to forgive them on the spot! Peter reminds us, “that love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Jesus told His disciples that if someone comes and asks you to forgive them, then do it. Paul said in Colossians that we need to forgive as Christ forgives us. And how does Jesus forgive? Every time you ask, He freely forgives. Now forgiveness isn’t an excuse to be someone’s doormat (don’t confuse forgiveness with martyrdom), but rather, forgiveness is the power you and I have to release someone else from a debt so that restoration is possible. 3. If you are constantly in conflict with others, check the mirror before you head out the door. I have a friend who is always at odds with people in their life. This person can’t go to the grocery store without getting into an argument with a worker, another shopper or with someone in the parking lot. It’s unreal. I’ve known them for years, and they are always in conflict. If you’re ready to have a tough talk with some one, just check and make sure you know who’s at fault. I’ve often found that when I’m ready to pounce on someone who has hurt me, the reality is, that I’m the one that is in the wrong. Instead of going to confront, I need to go and confess and ask for forgiveness.

Is there someone in your life that you need to have that tough talk with? If you want to live the Overboard Life, you can’t go through your days ignoring the problems that arise in the relationships you have. Sure, the tough talks don’t always go like we want, but I know when I follow God’s plan for relationships -- when I check my own heart, make sure I’m ready to forgive and make certain that I’m ready to confess my own faults -- things go a whole lot better than when I live as a victim, and do nothing.

So go ahead and take the plunge, even your tough talks will be better on the water!

Working through some heartache in your life? My first book, Project Joseph, was written to help people navigate the pain of relationships and the struggles that we all face in life. Check it out, and see if it might help you better become who God wants you to be!

Clogged toilets, slow drains and good marriages.

In a 3-day period, I had the joy of unplugging and cleaning two toilets, and having to pour a bucket of drano down a shower drain in hopes of opening it up. There is something about clogged shower drains and 4 women with long thick hair that seems to go hand-in-hand…I’ll have to look into that.

After I was done working in the bathroom yesterday, I started thinking about the work I need to do, regularly, to keep the toilet clean and the shower drain open. Here at the camp, we’re on a well and the hard water the well produces creates that beautiful orange-ish stain in the bottom of the toilet. In order to keep it clean, I have to spend more than one day a month working on it. I found some chemical-free cleaning agents that will, supposedly, work hard “so I don’t have to” and keep my toilet stain free. Likewise, the shower needs daily attention (c’mon spray-n-go treatment!) for hard-water, and weekly attention for free flowing drains.

Oddly, this actually got me thinking about the marriage of a friend of mine. Traci and I have known this couple for years and have watched the struggles in their marriage with some sadness. The distance between them is often not wide, it’s just really deep, and the challenges of “fixing” it have become almost overwhelming to both of them at different times. While neither of them wants a divorce, neither of them is doing much maintenance to keep their marriage strong.

Like trying to keep the water flowing in my shower, keeping the love flowing in a marriage requires daily and weekly work. You don’t end up with a solid marriage because you want it that way. You end up with a solid marriage because you work hard to create, keep and maintain a solid marriage. Here are a few of the regular ways that Traci and I have worked to keep our marriage going strong. What’s worked for you (share in the comments):

Communicate daily: Seems like a no-brainer, right, but 16 years of pastoral ministry, and years of watching friends’ marriages end in divorce, have taught me that not everyone does this well. This is more than just talking about the grocery list or the kids’ sports schedule for the day, I’m talking about taking time each day to really communicate about what’s going on in life. It’s almost like you have to date your spouse every day of the week.

When most of us were dating, we took a lot of time to communicate with our potential new spouse. You weren’t told to communicate, you just did it because it was the natural way to get to know them, to enjoy them and to engage them on a deeper level than you did your other friends. That need to connect should be even stronger in marriage, which means your need to communicate daily is even stronger.

Maybe you can get quality time in the morning, or you can grab lunch together each day, or maybe you can workout at the same time or you can steal a few quiet minutes after the kids are in bed. Whatever it takes, you have to communicate daily to keep your marriage strong.

Date weekly: Every week, Traci and I have at least one date. Here in Michigan it’s been a little more challenging, but we’ve found creative ways to get out together. In Salem, it was usually Thursday nights. Here it has most-often been lunch dates after all of our little monsters are in school. Where ever you can squeeze it into your schedule, you must date your spouse!

Here are a few guidelines for good date:

1. Be creative, and try to avoid the ruts. I often hear couples say, “We tried to date, but ended up at the same theater every week…” Most towns have a lot going on, you just have to spend a little time searching for it. Remember, it’s not so much what you do on your date that matters, it’s that you take time to enjoy each other.
2. Kill the phone. More than once Traci and I have been on a date and watched out couples who are also out together. We wonder why they left the house, because they sit at the table, pretty much ignoring each other, while they are both texting and posting to facebook on their own phones. Yes, you might need the phone so the kids or baby sitter can reach you in an emergency, but apart from that -- leave it in your pocket or purse. Make your spouse the priority of your date, and give her a reason to make you the priority!
3. Be consistent. If you make date night a regular part of the week, you’ll both start looking forward to it. There is something fun knowing that a date is on the calendar. When you hit the middle-of-the-week blues, having date night waiting for you is refreshing and energizing. Keep it consistent and watch how much date night improves!

Get-a-way regularly: My wife and I have been honoring the following commitments for several years now.

Weekend away (ie. No kiddos) every 4 months.

Week away, once a year.

We share this with couples and get the same response we first had to the idea: “We could never do that!” That’s where we were when the idea was  introduced to us, and I’ve never been so happy to be so wrong. Our weekend get-a-ways have been awesome ways for Traci and I to connect, enjoy rest, activity-free schedules and lots of time reading, watching our favorite movies or walking on the beach.

The week away, each year, is one of those things we circle on the calendar and count down to! Yes, it’s incredibly challenging with the kids’ school schedules and sports and church and…. but it is so worth the work. We start organizing child care and travel arrangements two months before we leave, but when we finally get out the door and on the road, there is a great sense of joy and relief.

While most couples resist the idea at when they hear it, after they experience a week away, they understand why it has become a priority for us. We’ve done a week away on a cruise, in Hawaii and at the beach. Now that we’re in Michigan, we’ll find new places to escape to, and new ways to enjoy time together.

The point is this: your marriage needs regular work. God’s commands about marriage involving loving each other, submitting to each other, building each other up, parenting on the same page etc… cannot be done with careful attention. Failed marriages are easy to come by, but painful to live with. Overboard marriages take work, but the results are worth the effort. In 17 years of full-time ministry, I’ve never had anyone say to me, “Having a great marriage has been a horrible waste of time in my life!”

Go ahead and take the plunge, marriage is always better on the water!