Wedding Day

Sometimes I wonder what was running through Traci’s mind when she was standing at the altar with me on December 28, 1996. I’m not sure we’ve ever really talked about her thoughts on that day, but I’ve wondered if she ever had that moment of panic while she stood there, looking at me, hearing our pastor describe an almost impossible task: “to have and to hold...to love and cherish...in sickness and in health...til’ death do you part...”

I know what I was thinking: “I’m so close! As long as she says, “I Do”, I’ve won the lottery. Please Traci...don’t think too hard about those requirements, don’t think about what those words actually mean, just say “I Do” and make me the happiest man on the planet!”

She did.

I was.

It really was a great day. We still run into people and talk to friends who remember facets of our wedding from 17 years ago. Most of all they remember the tiered wedding cake, opposite the reception hall from the tiered pizza tower. (Hey, we were going into youth ministry and there just seemed to be something right about having pizza at our wedding!) They remember the snow fall that started happening as we left the reception and got into the limo for our trip to the Oregon coast. They remember my dad with his driver’s cap on, pretending to be the limo driver! People remember the packed house, Traci’s beautiful dress and the happy end of a dating relationship for two high school sweet hearts. It was a glorious day.

Naturally, I have many fond memories of our wedding day. 17 years later, I also have some new perspective on the day we exchanged vows and entered into a new covenant with each other, before God and many witnesses. When I said, “I do,” I had no concept of the power of those words, and how they would forever change the direction of my life. Suddenly I was on a wild journey with another human being, one who would share in each aspect of my adventure, as I would share in hers.

With the words, “I do,” love took on a whole new meaning.That day, as we stood hand in

hand and repeated those powerful words of commitment, we declared that feelings and emotions weren’t enough to keep our relationship going. That’s really the essence of a marriage covenant. It’s a promise to make the marriage the most important human relationship you have. It’s a commitment to keep growing personally and spiritually, and to bring that growth to the table. It’s a choice to love that other person after a good scrum, when they’ve changed in appearance, when the emotions are running high or when they’re not running at all. “I do” means that, with all that’s in you, and with God’s help, you are going to love another person in a way that best pictures God’s love for you.

In Ephesians 5, Paul describes the purpose of the marriage covenant. And as he delves into the roles of husband and wife to each other, he does something amazingly profound and powerful -- he relates both back to Christ’s love for us! Even as he defines the fundamental purpose of sexual intimacy (oneness with another person), he relates it back to God’s desire for us to be connected to Him; for us to be one with Him and His purpose for our lives (not unlike Jesus’ prayer for us in John 17).

Marriage isn’t ultimately about our love for our spouse, marriage is ultimately about our love for God, pictured through our relationship to each other. When I follow God’s commands and love my wife as I love my own self, I’m becoming the man God wants me to be, and helping Traci grow into the woman God created her to be. When Traci loves me sacrificially and willingly, she is obeying God’s commands for marriage and thus bearing the fruit that validates her relationships with God (John 15); and that pushes me toward a deeper relationship with God, too. As Gary Thomas has rightly stated, “Marriage is for your holiness, not your happiness.” Get the holiness part right, and the happiness part will follow.

When we were dating, our commitment wavered based on any given day. I know I flirted with other girls, I know on several occasions I seriously contemplated exploring other relationship possibilities, and I went on a few dates with girls not named Traci. But the day I said “I do,” changed everything. I no longer had freedom to flirt or consider other options. “I do” meant that I was taking myself off the market (not that it was that hot of a market to begin with!) and I was done shopping. “I do” meant that I was in it for the long haul, and by God’s grace, I would pursue Traci, and Traci alone, for as long as we both live.

There’s such a huge difference between dating someone you like and marrying someone you love. When you love some one enough to marry them, you commit to being with them for the long haul.

In my blog, 17 reasons why we have a great marriage, I wrote about several of these commitments required for a great marriage:

1. Commit to keeping God the most important person in your marriage. Nothing will improve your marriage faster than making sure God, not your spouse, is number one in your life.
2. Take divorce off the table. Once divorce is off the table, the next solution is to find a solution.
3. Commit to give the grace you want to receive.
4. When you hit hard times, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are so many people who have already walked where you’ve walked, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask them for help!

Traci and I have made each of these (and 13 others) a reality in our marriage; not perfectly, but in progress.

How committed are you to your wedding vows? Are you holding your spouse to a standard you don’t keep? Are you looking across the table and blaming them for their part of the struggles, but not owning your own? The Overboard Life has to spill over into our relationships, and especially into our marriages. The only way that can happen is if we remember that love is a commitment we make to others, one that isn’t primarily based on feelings or emotions. But a funny thing happens when you choose to love others the way God loves us...the feelings and emotions soon catch up!

26 down, 14 to go.

Go ahead and take the plunge, your marriage will be better on the water!

Dating Traci

I first met Traci when I was in 8th grade, and we started “dating” when I was in 9th (she was in 10th...you know, that older woman thing!). We dated for just a little over eight years before we got married. In fact, our 8th wedding anniversary was a big event for us because we had officially been married for as long as we had dated.  

When I look back at our dating years, there is a funny growing and maturing process that took place (any of you guys about to make some wise crack about me and maturity can go ahead and make that now). What we thought “love” was in 9th grade, was vastly different than what we knew about love while we were both in college. Of course, getting married, working through challenges, having kids etc... expands your love in even more amazing ways!

Good relationships are interesting that way; they don’t stay the same year after year, but instead, grow and change with the people involved in them. People who “fall in love” with a person and then “fall out of love” with them because of how much that person changed, sometimes miss the point of what it takes to have an amazing relationship -- learning to grow together through change.

Traci has kept a big bag of love letters that I wrote to her through our high school and college years. Some of these are just a tad bit embarrassing and reveal an incredible amount of sappiness (and not the good kind, either), and others reveal why I shouldn’t ever dabble in the genres of creative writing and poetry. When I read some of the notes I gave her while we passed each other in the halls at school, I see an immature young boy trying to impress his girlfriend by committing a love to her, that he doesn’t possibly understand. I had no idea what the phrases “I’ll love you forever” and “nothing will ever come between us” really meant; I was just trying to express what I understood and felt about love at the time.

In college our letters took on a new depth, especially as we dated long distance while attending different schools throughout our college years. We had a few little breakups during that season of life, and both of us had opportunities to engage other relationships around us, but really our resolve to stay together didn’t change much. What did change, however, was the way both of us were growing up. We were being shaped by our experiences, by struggles with friends and family, by new information, by jobs, by the experiences of others and through what each of us were learning in our personal relationship with God.

As Traci was maturing and changing, our relationship was changing; as I finally started growing up emotionally and maturing in my outlook in life, our relationship changed. And that’s really how great relationships become great -- they become stronger through change. Instead of trying to hold on to what love looked like in high school (gag) Traci and I have embraced the changes that have occurred in us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and have committed to a deeper, loving relationship than we had before the changes.

And that’s probably the biggest lesson I’ve learned from when Traci and I started dating some 25 years ago! Commitment to a relationship (marriage, friendship, work, children etc...) isn’t a commitment to stay the same forever, or a promise to never complain, always be positive or never have any grumpy days. Commitment in a relationship is a promise to keep growing, to keep helping others grow and to work hard to hold the course through the changes that will come.

Change, is what is supposed to be happening in all of us as we walk through this life. In Ephesians 4:15, Paul writes, “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ...” Growing up is a good thing! But growing up also means change. Growing up means letting go of childish ways and thinking, and embracing new thoughts and a new understanding about life. As we draw closer to God we shed our old concepts of commitment, love and relationship, and embrace people around us the way God embraces us. I know Traci loves me more today, not because I’m amazingly more lovable, but because she has grown in her walk with God and understands love better today than she did 25 years ago when we went on our first date.

Are you changing or are you working hard to try and keep everything the same? I know people who live their lives trying to avoid change, trying to control everything so that life remains relatively the same for them. I, for one (and Traci for two!), am glad that I have grown up from my high school dating years. I’m thankful that I have a better understanding of love and commitment, and that my devotion to God, Traci and family is marked by a new maturity and a deeper wisdom that can only come through change. I don’t want to be the same guy tomorrow that I was today, and while I don’t always like the circumstances or events that cause change, I like the end-product as I grow up into Him -- the One who gives me life.

Go ahead and take the plunge, change is always better on the water!

The day I met my wife

In the fall of 1987, I had one of those movie moment experiences in my life. You know, the ones where the beautiful girl walks in the room and everything goes into slow motion? It’s that scene when the hot chick looks right at the camera, flings her hair from one side of her face to the other, and says, “hi.” You know what I’m talking about?  

Traci and her family had just moved from Wenatchee, WA to Salem, OR and they were living a few miles out of town. They started attending our church and one evening my parents invited her parents out to eat. So my mom and dad drove us out to their place where my sister Naomi and I stayed with Traci and her sister (and a friend named David) while our parents got to know each other at dinner.

As I walked into Traci’s house the world started moving in slow motion, the beautiful girl did the hair thing and I was hooked. Yowzuh! The problem was, I thought she was quite a bit older than me, and I was pretty sure she was out of my league. Don’t get me wrong, I knew deep down inside she was already madly in love with me and was already planning our marriage, I just didn’t want to break her heart that things probably weren’t going to work out for us -- we were doomed lovers from the start.

You can imagine the crushing blow to my ego to find out, years later, that Traci didn’t have the same initial response to me that I had for her. I’m still working on that with my therapist, but we’re doing remarkably well in our marriage despite this rather significant setback. Anyway, I went home from her house kind of in love with her. Although during my 8th grade year I ended up “dating” another girl I had actually just met my future wife.

Shortly after I entered high school the following year, Traci and I had  become friends. I realized she was 20 months older than me, but because of her late September birthday, she was only one grade up. This fact restored hope in my heart, and I set out to make sure she and I dated before my freshman year was over.

That was no easy task for a number of reasons. First of all, Traci was the “new girl” hottie in youth group -- a bunch of guys had hopes of dating her. Secondly, there was the minor problem that I didn’t have the same slow motion impact on her that she had on me. Third, I was younger than her. Fourth, she thought I was “cute,” kind of like a puppy is cute. You don’t date your puppy.

Well, before my freshman year was over, Traci and I began dating. It’s always a little awkward when you’re a guy and the girl has to drive on your dates because she’s older than you, but when you get the girl, you can endure those hardships for a season. Ok, so it was like a year of hardship because I didn’t get my license until the following spring, but I still had the girl.

It’s funny how little high school dating has to do with actual relationships. Despite the fact that we dated for all of our high school years and most of our college years (with a few short breakups in there), we have always told our children and the students we’ve worked with, that dating in high school is a horrible idea. In fact, over nearly 17 years of full-time youth ministry, I know of just one high school dating relationship that ended in marriage.

High school dating is relatively easy. Basically you have the opportunity to alway show your good side, and to not have to endure the slow, mundane or painful parts of life. It’s not that you don’t have those moments, but you don’t have to live in them together. You might help each other go through a tough time, but when you don’t have to live in it together, you really don’t understand the full impact of the situation. Likewise, most of our dates were out of the house and out on the town, eating junk food, watching movies etc...  High school dating is really insulated from the realities of life.

Unfortunately, I think too many of us approach our relationship with God the same way we approach high school dating. We want the benefits of having a God nearby, but we don’t want the commitment that a real relationship requires. I loved dating Traci, but I also had freedom to explore other relationships, to ditch her for my guy friends, and when she was really grumpy (not that she ever was...in case she’s reading this) I dropped her off and hit the pool hall or arcade with my buddies. I loved having a girlfriend, but I also liked that she wasn’t around all the time.

Today I’m glad Traci is my wife. We’ve learned to put up with each other, not just to get by, but to really enjoy the depth of a loving, committed relationship. (On our 17th anniversary I wrote a blog post entitled about the 17 Reasons we have a great marriage that went mini-viral and was viewed by thousands and thousands of people.) She knows my weaknesses and loves me anyway, we have closed the doors to exploring other relationships, and have determined to work out any difficulties that arise, when they arise, in our commitment to make our marriage great.

That’s the kind of relationship we must have with God in order to live the Overboard Life. God can’t be our “go to” date when we want to have a good time or when we need someone to talk to. Instead, He has to be the One we are committed to above all else. We have to determine to keep him #1, to stay connected through daily routine, to turn to Him first in heartache and celebration, to embrace Him as Father and friend, and to recognize that our lives take on the greatest meaning when they are spent doing what He wants us to do for His honor and glory!

Are you dating God right now? If so, I’ve got some bad news...God doesn’t like to date! God is interested in having a meaningful relationship with you and the good news is, He will never let you down. He won’t fail you and He will never turn His back on you. You might not always understand Him in the moment, but He promises to make your life the best it can be when it’s left in His care, according to His time. And that is the heart and soul of what it means to live Overboard -- trusting God with your life!

17 down, 23 to go.

Go ahead and take the plunge, life is always better on the water!

17 reasons our marriage works

Today, my wife and I celebrate 17 years of being married. As with any marriage, there have been a few rough days -- but I’m blessed to say far more good and great days have marked our 6,208 days of marriage. So how do you make more good days than bad in a marriage? As I’ve thought about it, there are many reasons, and no easy formula. Obviously, if marriage was easy, 50% of them wouldn’t be ending in heart-breaking divorce. But like all our relationships, there are choices we make along the way that direct the outcome of our marriages. Choices to serve when  you don’t “feel like it”. Choices to love someone who is unlovely. Choices to grow through our own past garbage, and choices to surrender our selfish desires in order to honor and love someone else.

So as I’ve reflected on my amazing wife and how we’ve thrived (not just survived!) in marriage the past 17 years, here are 17 reasons that our marriage has been great. I hope this will encourage you in your marriage, too (in no particular order!):

1. Keep growing yourself: It’s so much more fun to point out your spouse’s faults than it is to identify yours and do something about them. Traci and I both strive to focus on each others’ strengths (not flaws!) while doing what it takes to grow in our own areas of needed growth. That’s why we’ve attended seminars together and separately, why we’ve attended counseling, worked with life coaches, read certain kinds of books etc… When we each grow personally, our marriage gets better.
2. Create great memories: Traci and I work hard to create great memories for our marriage (and for our kids!). We have to think through different ways to experience this amazing world. Sometimes that means saving a few bucks here and there, sometimes it means not spending a dime -- either way, you can create great memories with just a little thought.
3. Make God the most important person in your life: As a pastor I did a lot of marriage and pre-marriage counseling. In every instance I would remind couples of the same truth: The most important person in your life isn’t your spouse (or future spouse). The best marriages aren’t with the people who love each other the most, but instead, the best marriages belong to the couples who love God first, and then each other. When God is our number one, it’s possible to love others the way He loves us. When we try to love our spouse more than we love God, both our marriage and our Overboard Life gets out of whack. Keep God number one, and your marriage will be better! Jesus Himself said the most important law was to Love God with everything you’ve got…and the second most important law was to love others the same way. God first. Then others -- even your spouse.
4. Laugh frequently: My wife and I experience a lot of laughter. We love to watch funny movies, funny plays and try hard to seek joy in the life that’s happening all around us! We give our kids freedom to be funny, and more-often-than-not, we laugh at spilled milk rather than get angry when the glass tips over. I’m confident my wife would tell you that joy has been a core value in our marriage.
5. Give the grace you want to receive: All of us want grace given to us when we mess up, but most of us want “justice” when we’ve been wronged. I’ve counseled too many couples that were holding each other hostage with every word and every mistake in their marriage. God is an amazing grace-giver (see also: #3) and He expects us to do the same. Your marriage will be stronger when you offer your spouse the same grace you want them to offer you. Keep your list of wrongs short. Think of grace like many people do voting: give it early, give it often.
6. Take chances together: Traci and I have rolled the dice a few times, but we have chosen to take those risks together. A few have turned out well (her Usana business, my publishing company), a few not-so-much (I know The 10-Day Journey can still work!!!). In her awesome blog, my wife loves to say that she hopes her life is a like a roller coaster. It has ups and downs, but when it’s all done, you’re laughing with your hands in the air, your hair is wind-blown and wild, and you can’t wait to do it again. Taking (reasonable) chances together has created some of the best memories (see also #2) we’ve made together.
7. Share in your spouses dreams: Like taking chances, sharing in your spouse’s dreams is a huge way to draw closer together. It’s not that we always have the same dreams and goals together, it’s just that we are participating in one another’s passions. My wife will tell you her Usana business wouldn’t be where it is without me, but I don’t do many presentations with her, I don’t help recruit passionate entrepreneurs who want to change their income and their health and I don’t make her weekly business calls with her. I do listen when she talks. I help brainstorm. I watch kids while she’s gone. I encourage her to attend seminars and conferences even when that means I play Mr. Mom for a week. I help her with social media and tech. As she dreams about the future of her business, I’m her biggest fan! And believe me, the same is true for me and my dreams when it comes to her -- she is my biggest fan!
8. Date EVERY week: Some of you who have heard us talk on this topic knew this one was coming! I am convinced that over the past 7 or 8 years, dating has become one of the most important parts of our marriage success. We date every week. When the kids were younger, often any extra money we had went to a baby sitter, so our date was walking around the mall with the elderly people who were out getting exercise. We had some great dates like that. Other times it has been a movie or dinner or hiking or bowling or working out or watching a play or learning a new game or watching a sunset or driving to a light house or…. be creative, and be committed. Date your spouse every single week!
9. Get-a-way alone several times a year: Once a quarter, Traci and I take off for at least one night away and ditch the kids. When we lived near family, sometimes we’d have family take the kids for a night and we’d just stay home. Either way, we made it work so that we had a night without the kids. For the past 7 years, we’ve actually taken 1 week away without the kids, too. When I suggest that to many couples, they roll their eyes and say, “that’s impossible” or “our lives our too busy” or “our kids would never make it…” blah blah blah. We thought the same things when we first decided to make this an annual part of our marriage maintenance. We found out three crucial truths that proved us wrong:
   • Our kids actually enjoyed the week away, and looked forward to spending time with friends and cousins.
   • Our lives were too busy to not get away. The busyness of life makes our week away even more important!
   • It was hard work on both ends of the trip, but not only is it possible, it has become the highlight of each year
10. Surprise your spouse regularly: Everyone loves surprises -- including your spouse. Surprise him with a romantic night at home. Surprise her with flowers. Shock him with tickets to the game. Watch her light up when you hand her a 4-hour spa get-a-way. Break up the routine with a surprise that’s sure to make their day.
11. Let your pastor speak into your life: If you’re following through with #3, then this one will be much easier. Make sure your pastor has insights into your marriage and that you trust him for advice. It’s not that pastors are perfect, but often the insight he can give can stop a small irritation from becoming a marriage ending problem! Over 17 years of pastoral ministry has allowed me to see that some of the strongest marriages I saw were owned by people who listened to their pastors, and came to them for advice. Hebrews 13 offers strong words about protecting your marriage and listening to your pastors…not too surprising that both of these are in the same chapter.
12. Write mushy letters, notes, emails and texts: Maybe you’re not a “writer” or you don’t like that “mushy” stuff. Whatever. Your letters aren’t being published, it’s an expression of your love for your spouse. And believe me, everyone loves to loved on. Be mushy. Say cheesy stuff. Share your heart. Send that suggestive pic in a text. Make your spouse blush in a board meeting when they glance at their phone. Create desire. Make her smile. Build him up. Use your words to convey your love and do this frequently!
13. Take divorce off the table, now: After Traci and I had watched a couple of our friends choose to end their marriage in divorce, we made a commitment to take divorce off the table. It’s not an option for us. We have pledged to each other, and to our kids, that no matter what, we are going to make this marriage work. That means when problems arise, our solution is to find a solution, because dissolution of our marriage vows is not one of the options.
14. Share adventures: Kind of like #6, adventures are opportunities to create memories (see #2) with your spouse. Tackle a challenge together (run a race, climb a mountain, swim across the Pacific Ocean…ok, that might be a little tough) so that you have to encourage and strengthen one another along the way. Lose weight together, work out side by side, start a business, start a ministry -- share in some mutual adventures and enjoy the richness of shared experiences.
15. Develop healthy “other interests”: We all have other interests that our spouses don’t share. Make sure you other interests don’t pull you away from your spouse. I enjoy golf, playing basketball, watching baseball, reading and playing board games. My wife likes crocheting, reading, working out and shopping. When we each enjoy those other interests with healthy boundaries and in moderation, we don’t drive any wedges into our marriage or create time tensions that can be the source of arguments, fights and bitterness. When our other interests are disproportionately too big, our marriage suffers.
16. Sacrifice self: You can’t really love some one fully, until you’re willing to surrender your own interests, first. In Philippians 2, the Bible describes Jesus’ love for us by pointing out that He was willing to put His own desires and interests second, to the Father’s. Then Paul urges us to live the same way and when you and I live like that in our marriages, a deeper love will flow than we knew was possible!
17. Don’t be afraid/ashamed to ask for help: On more than occasion we’ve asked others for help in our marriage. We’ve gone to our pastor, a doctor, a life coach, trusted (godly!) friends and even our parents. We’ve participated in counseling, paid for marriage seminars and attended couples’ retreats. Marriage isn’t easy, and when you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help!

I’m so blessed with an awesome wife, and an amazing 17 year journey we’ve been on together. Not a perfect journey, but one I wouldn’t give up for anything. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can’t wait to see what God will do with us, and through us, as we seek to keep our marriage Overboard for Him!

Go ahead and take the plunge -- your marriage will be better on the water!

16 Years and Counting!

Today I am celebrating my 16th wedding anniversary. In some ways, 16 seems like a really big number…in some ways, not so much. However you feel about anniversaries, weddings and marriages, the reality is that we are all involved in relationships. And great relationships take work. The Overboard Life cannot be lived alone. If you are going to follow Jesus out on the water where He is building His Kingdom, you will need other people in your life. For me, Traci has been the most significant relationship I’ve had in pursuing Jesus. She has believed in me, invested in me, pushed me, prayed for me and endured me all along the way. Eight years of roller-coaster dating followed by 16 years of marriage has made for a wild ride -- but she has shared every part of the journey.

I want to share with you some values I’ve learned from my wife during our 16 years. We work hard at being married, and while we both bring glaring flaws to the marriage table, we’ve committed ourselves to the choice of standing by each other. These values work in all relationships, but especially in marriage, and my wife has been exemplary in living them out with me.

1. Take failure off the table. I know divorce is a touchy subject, but Traci and I started our marriage commitment by removing it as an option. I know we all change. I know we sometimes enter relationships without caution. I know we see things in people that sometimes don’t exist, and that people can flat-out lie about who they are or what they want. Relationships are risky. I’m not saying there is never a reason for divorcing someone or filing for separation, but when Traci and I said, “I do” to each other, we agreed to take divorce off the table. When you take failure away as an option, you are required to do whatever it takes to make things work. Traci and I have weathered some bad days with each other (more than I wish to admit!), but a commitment to stay together forces us to work hard, even on those bad days.
2. Make remarkable the new normal. Not only did we remove divorce from our marriage vocabularies, but we made the choice to not be content with just “making it.” I remember a few years back when we committed to one another that our marriage was going to be remarkable. Not perfect by any stretch, but remarkable. In other words, just staying together or living the status quo wasn’t going to be enough. Here are some of the tangible realities of that choice:
   • Date night every week. Kids can complicate marriage a lot, but we weren’t going to let that stop us from dating. It’s been tough and sometimes expensive, but date night has been worth the sacrifice. Our weekly date is a major part of our marriage commitment to live together remarkably, and not just in survival mode. We also take off for one week a year without the kids. It takes a month of planning to pull it off, but the week away is worthy of the effort. The kids actually enjoy being with friends and family, and we enjoy a kid-free week!
   • Marriage growth. We’ve both read books about marriage, we’ve attended seminars, and we’ve intentionally hung with people who have great marriages so that we can grow in our relationship with each other. Like any quality, skill or value you want to improve, marriage demands work. We’ve worked hard to be better spouses. I still have colossal screw ups. I still neglect her needs from time-to-time and I still occasionally forget important events. But I still keep working on being a better husband so that despite those things, the general curve of our marriage is up.
   • Personal growth. You will only be as strong of a spouse as you are a person. You cannot make your husband or wife do anything to grow, but you can choose to work on you, no matter what. There have been seasons when I was stuck in a rut and Traci continued to plow ahead. I was apathetic and listless, but she was passionate about growth. And you know what, her desire to grow became contagious and on several occasions, her own journey has inspired me to rise up and be a better husband and father. The more you grow personally, the better your marriage will be.
   • Dream together. Traci and I share big dreams for our lives, together. It’s not that all of our goals and dreams are mutual -- in fact, most of them are not. But Traci has often been more committed to my dreams than me! The result has been that when I was faltering or ready to give up, she kicked me in the pants until I got going again. I know Overboard Ministries would not exist without her. And likewise, I’ve invested in her dreams, too. Big dreams make for strong bonds.
3. Get help when problems arise. Relationships are hard. So when problems creep up, get help. Talk to trusted friends, visit your pastor and see a specialist when struggles come up. Too often, in the past 16 years as a pastor, I’ve gotten the call for help after both parties were already in divorce mode. If they had called when they were fighting over the bills, we might have been able to help. But by the time things escalated to sleeping in different rooms, intentionally working off-schedules so that you aren’t home with your spouse -- it’s almost too late (especially if you haven’t followed steps 1 and 2!). Traci and I have requested and received help on multiple occasions. Our pastors, our parents our friends…we’ll ask for help when we’re struggling.
4. Make God the center of your marriage, not your spouse. As much as I love Traci (more than anyone or anything I’ve ever loved!), my love for God is even bigger. I know Traci loves me more than any other relationship she has, but she loves God exponentially more. You see, I let my wife down all the time. I will fail her again in the future. But God has never once failed Traci and He never will. His love and plan for her is so much more than mine, she can trust Him fully in every circumstance -- even when her husband is being a giant doorknob! When I fail, God remains faithful. When I am mean, God remains loving and kind. When I drop the ball, God helps Traci catch it. When I don’t give her a reason to keep believing, He does. And when God (not love, not happiness, not staying together) is that the center of your marriage, you can endure anything.

I think Traci and I have a great marriage. It’s not perfect, but I can confidently say it’s better than it was 16 years ago, and by God’s grace, tomorrow it will be better than it is today. My wife is amazing and when people see us together they know I “married up”! But a great marriage didn’t just happen, and it won’t continue without hard work. Your marriage is worth the effort. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you strengthen yours.

Happy 16th Tra. Thanks for taking the plunge with me over and over again, during this journey. We’ve definitely seen that life is always better on the water, especially in marriage.